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I feel sorry for women. Because penis envy is a very real thing. Even though they don’t really get what having a penis is all about. Men, on the other hand, have been blessed. Regardless of size, shape, or curvature, each of us has been granted the enviable honor of having our very own best buddy. Who goes everywhere with us. And does a lot of our thinking for us too. Best yet, he’s always willing to play whenever the mood strikes. Sure it’s usually more fun to have another living, breathing human being to play with, but it ain’t a necessity. At least when you are a man. Going it alone when you are a woman isn’t as easy. Even if you don’t have a partner, you still need batteries.

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Recently, Azealia Banks, an ex-stripper female rapper – while trying to defend herself for calling some faggot a faggot – said all gay men are misogynists. Right. It’s easy to point your finger when that’s all you have to point with. But most gays don’t hate women. It’s more that we are ambivalent about them. Kinda like brussels sprouts, they’re best avoided whenever possible and why some people like them so much is unfathomable. Up close and personal, the smell alone is off-putting. It’s not that we are misogynistic, it’s just that we’ve come to realize that women serve no real purpose in life. Unless they are lesbian. Because science has not yet reached the point where we don’t still occasionally need a surrogate. For everything else, we have our penis.

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That gay men love their mother so much alone should prove we are not misogynists. Women, on the other hand, are often misandrists. Not that I blame them. Or care. I’d be a misandrist too if I were a member of the weaker sex. It’s easier to hate those who are better than you, those who no matter how much you aspire to be like will still always rate higher in society. And that is Ms. Bank’s real problem with gay men. She works in a field where the only respect she gets is for the size of her booty. And gay guys just ain’t interested. Like most women, she needs to be wanted, to be needed. Gay guys don’t need her. Because we have our penises.

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The truth is straight dudes don’t need Ms. Banks either, other than to keep their penis happy. And that’s what pisses women off. No matter how hard they try, it’s always about penis first. As the gods intended. Men enjoy and want sex because our penis enjoys and wants sex. Women only come into the picture because sometimes our hands get tired. To men, and their penis, it’s all about getting sex. Sex to a woman is a gift they give to men. That’s not their fault. That’s how they’ve been raised. Throughout history. There are numerous examples of ancient cultures who worshipped the penis. Vagina, not so much. Ancient cultures that deified women always used some version of the Earth Mother, which was usually a statue of a featureless, fat, pregnant woman. Who only rose to her lofty position thanks to what a penis did for her. Or, if your brain works in female mode, thanks to the gift of sex she gave to some man. Who seldom got named. Because he was off, busy playing with his penis.

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The advent of Christianity alone should have sounded the death knell to the idea that women and their vaginas are of any value other than to bring more penis into the world. The New Testament axed that entire gift of sex thingy; God just said no to Mary’s vagina, leaving popping her cherry to some other dude. Because it wasn’t important. Or, if you prefer Eastern philosophy you can go with the venerable Chinese proverb: ‘Give a man fish and you make his penis happy for a day; teach a man how to play with his penis and you make him happy for a lifetime.’ But instead women continue to believe their gift is something men really need, and suffer thanks to that bit of ill-placed faith. Take secretaries – ooops, my bad, administrative assistants – for example. They work for half of what their male boss would pay if a man was doing their job. And then spend their entire paycheck on clothes to wear to work. Because no one is interested in a gift that is not properly wrapped. It’s a viscous cycle. They work to earn a living but then spend all their money on clothes to wear to work so that by the end of the month they are broke again and then have to agree to date some loser just for the food. And then give said loser the gift of sex or they’ll never get fed in that town again.

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Everyone knows a Muslim man who dies killing infidels gets 70 some virgins as soon as he gets to heaven. Who knows what a Muslim woman gets? Right. ‘Cuz no one cares. At best, if she died young, she’ll get to be one of the 70 something virgins assigned to some loser who blew himself up just to give his penis a happy afterlife. Sharia law can teach us a lot about the battle of the sexes. Take adultery. The punishment is being stoned to death. Do you ever read about a man who cheated on his wife being dragged out into the village square and stoned? No. It’s always the hussies. That’s because someone did the math and realized they were gonna be one short on their allotment of virgins and is real pissed that their penis is gonna miss out. Not that it’s any better under our form of government. When was the last time you heard about the Supreme Court deciding what a man could do with his dick? Granted, they are contemplating doing something about what a man can legally do with another man’s dick, but generally the Supremes agree penis should be left alone to enjoy its pursuit of happiness.

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Women will never know the joy of writing their name in snow. Or sitting on a subway with their legs spread wide taking up the entire seat. Without a built-in reference, they’re unable to read a map. And in the business world, they can’t be seen as being powerful without also being viewed as a bitch. ‘Cuz you can only be a dick when you have one. And as highly as they view their vaginas, they know most men would prefer getting a blow job. Which, not knowing what a penis is really all about, they suck at. And that’s what Ms. Banks is really pissed about. It’s not about gay or men who hate women, but that deep in her heart she knows she’ll never be able to compete against a boy’s love affair with his penis.

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