If you got a chub watching Ted, the folks at Teddy Love have got a deal for you. For a mere $79.95 you too can own a discreet sex toy that “seamlessly blends in with your home or work environment”. That’s assuming a grown man who has a teddy bear as his companion isn’t already considered to have his freak on. But then the female brain behind Teddy Love, as female brains tend to do, isn’t exactly balanced in reality. Or marketing. Because while owning one of your most precious childhood memories on whose face you can have a shrieking, messy orgasm should be enough, Ms. Teddy Love instead poses that age-old marketing question: “Have you ever seen someone walking through an airport, in a restaurant, or in a place of business, with a large adult toy visibly protruding through a handbag or briefcase?”

Uh, no. And if I had, do you think I’d be shopping on the internet right now? Nonetheless, if you are into soft, cuddly guys with fur all over their bodies, you probably already are a fan of bears and it’s a small step down that slippery slope to owning your very own fuckable teddy bear. Especially since unlike that guy you just hooked up with on Grindr, this one is food-grade nontoxic and hypoallergenic. Plus, when you shower him with affection, he’ll love you right back. Until his batteries run out. Which is kinda like that guy you just hooked up with on Grindr.

The owner of Teddy Love also says her product is intended to enhance relationships: ‘cuz the couple who molests plush animals together stays together. You can imagine why. And while for that couple the manufacturer’s claim that “Teddy Love blends in with your home furnishings making it a discreet sexual toy that no-one can see,” may hold true, the rest of us will be asking, “Why does your stuffed bear have cum all over it’s face?”

Instead of focusing on discretion, Ms. Teddy Love should just realize there is something inherently freaky about the idea of sticking a plush toy’s face up your ass. And I mean that in a good way. The discretion that matters is that the bear’s controls are hidden in his little fuzzy-wuzzy ears; the operable part of your orgasm is that his muzzle and tongue houses a dual set of 10 speed vibrators. And that makes for a lot of face time.

Of course if you are a more manly man and the idea of having sex with your nephew’s a stuffed animal leaves you limp (which it should, even considering that 10-speed tongue) you may want to head to Croatia instead, where researchers have documented a pair of male brown bears who have been giving each other hummers for the past six years. Now those are some bears who know how to have a teddy bear picnic.

Researchers from the Polish Academy of Sciences Department of Wildlife Conservation spent 116 hours observing the two bears and discovered what they are terming “the first observations of long‐term, recurrent fellatio in captive brown bears kept in proper conditions.” Huh. 6 years and 116 hours of watching two bears at a zoo blow each other . . . sounds like someone needs to buy their own Teddy Love.

In great detail the researchers note: “All cases appeared to be initiated by the provider, who approached the receiver while he was resting on his side or with part of his abdomen exposed; if the receiver’s genitals were not exposed, the provider would push his head into the pelvic region or use his paws to separate the hind legs. After accessing and initial licking of the penis, the provider would find a more comfortable posture, such as sitting or lying … once actual sucking started, neither bear changed position.” Which pretty much sounds like how the human variety of bears do it too. Ditto for the four minutes it took the bears to reach blast-off.

The researchers were quick to point out that the two bears with blow jobs on their minds were not related. ‘Cuz that would just be too icky. Kinda like if the guys from Duck Dynasty – who’ve made a business out of blowing things – started going at each other. Which I’m sure would never happen. ‘Cuz they’ve all bought their own personal Teddy Love by now.

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