Mention a grand ole dame and extravagantly flamboyant costumes full of sequins in Pattaya and you’re probably talking about yet another insufferably campy aging drag queen from Bristol taking to a too tiny stage when all the audience really want to see is the naked boys. And while among gay visitors said naked boys are still the perennial favorite production value on Bangkok’s stages, throw in a few soaring golden headdresses and some bare-footed dancers richly clothed in silk and brocade and then you are probably talking about the khon dance performances at the Sala Chalermkrung Theater. Or the ladyboy show at Calypso Cabaret. But let’s act like you have some sense of culture for a minute.

When your wallet says nyet to hitting yet another shopping mall, your spiritual being is watted out, and the idea of watching another Big Cock Show! leaves you limp, not far away and yet worlds away from the Silom gay ghetto, Sala Chalermkrung is one of the few remaining places khon – the traditional Thai classical masked dance – can be seen in Bangkok. This art deco Bangkok landmark, a former cinema dating to 1933, features the traditional Thai dance-drama (enhanced by laser graphics and hi-tech audio) every Thursday and Friday night at 7:30 p.m. And considering the dearth of touri in the audience it counts as being off the beaten path too.

If you are not familiar with khon, you are with the performers and the masks they wear as they’re an iconic image of Thailand and are featured in ads and on billboards almost as much as his royal you-know-who is. Khon, originally limited to performances for the royal court – and originally only performed by men, even the female roles (so you ladyboy aficionados are covered) – is a distinct art form that brings together movement, dialogue, narration, costumes, and music to tells the story of the Thai version of the Hindu epic Ramayana (known in Thailand as the Ramakien) although Sala Chalermkrung’s is an abbreviated version since original performances lasted 6 hour or more – but still, as a remake, stays closer to the original storyline than Russell Crowe’s recent attempt at retelling the story of Noah. Though come to think of it, these days Russell could play the hero in Sala Chalermkrung’s version – Hanuman, a white immortal monkey – without having to don one of the traditional khon masks.

The performance is a colorful display of dance, acrobatics, movement, and mime with a cast of 60 whose mesmerizing control and balance is a lesson in absolute body control. The dance is a highly physical and symbolic art form requiring performers to adhere to certain movements which express various emotions, choreographed right down to the fingertips. At Sala Chalermkrung you can view all eight acts of the Thai Ramayana and its authentic movements exacted with amazing skill in a little more than an hour. Which is probably all the culture you can handle.

Your evening at Sala Chalermkrung begins with a short documentary that explains what khon is and how the performers train and prepare for the show. It also covers the significance of the performers’ stylized movements and introduces you to the main characters and the masks each wears, to help visitors from the West to better follow the tale as it is an unfamiliar one since Disney has not introduced the Ramayana to American and European audiences yet.

During the actual performance there’s also a LED display hung high above the curtain that provides an English translation of the narration – since the actors faces are masked, narrators sing the storyline along with the live music to express the dialogue and plot. Surprisingly, you’ll soon quit bothering to read those subtitles – the actors’ movements and the masks alone quite capably tell the story. So well in fact that your senses will also quickly disregard the accompanying traditional Thai music, which can be, and usually is, quite grating to the western ear. The hot guys on stage – even if they are wearing more clothing than you are used to – ain’t bad either.

Part of the show is the theater itself. Sala Chalermkrung was built by King Rama VII in the 1930’s and was at that time considered to be the most modern building in Asia. A blend of western and Thai architecture, it was a far step above the theaters of the day, which were usually small, cramped buildings that looked like wooden houses with zinc sheets used as a roof. Opened as a royal project, the luxurious 2,000 seat Sala Chalermkrung introduced new technologies to Bangkok’s cinema world, such as sound, light, and an automatic curtain system. Undoubtedly even more importantly to moviegoers, this theater was the first in Thailand to install air-conditioners, a novelty Thais are still enthralled with today as evidenced by the near-freezing temps the SFX chain keeps their theaters at.

Sala Chalermkrung today is a charming theatre, immaculately maintained with period fittings that whisk you back in time 80 years with its mass of brass fittings, red velvet cushions, and sepia photographs. Everything looks as fresh as it did when the theater opened its doors in 1933. The theater itself offers lots of photo ops, and although you are not allowed to take photos during the performance, afterwards the main characters assemble in the lobby to pose with you. And they are not as greedy about being tipped as the ladyboys in Phuket are.

Located at 66 Charoen Krung Road (next to Old Siam Plaza) Sala Chalermkrung is easy to find though your best bet for transpo is by taxi. Tickets for the khon performances run 800, 1,000, and 1,200 baht – dependant upon how close to the stage you want to be – and are available on-line through Thai Ticket Major, or at the door.

You can also purchase tickets at the Grand Palace if you want to make it a full day of culture, but then the Grand Palace will probably be closed the day you plan on going and your cultural outing instead will involve discount tailor shops and special one-day only government sponsored gem and jewelry sales. But hey, then you’ll have some new duds and bling to wear and you can pretend you are a Hollywood starlet walking the red carpet when you arrive at Sala Chalermkrung that evening.

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