One of the perennial ice-breaking questions asked of potential customers by bar boys in Bangkok is, “Where you stay?” For some that may be one of the few English phrases they’ve learned, and regardless of your answer you’ll quickly hear about what a hansum man you are. For the more experienced bar boy, your answer will tell him a lot about your financial status – both how rich you are and how willing you are to throw cash at indulgences. Or not.

Bangkok’s bar boys may not be able to identify where America is on a map (or Thailand for that matter) but they all know where the Shangri La Hotel is. And what that means to their wallet. And while they may have never visited Khaosan Road, if that’s your answer they do know a short-time off is their best bet and they’ll quickly suggest using one of Patpong’s short-time hotels for your quickie. But hotels in Bangkok are not used for just sex alone. Where you stay can make or break your holiday. Figuring out which area in town fits your needs best can be as important as deciding which of the naked hunks standing on stage will best curl your toes. For a newbie to Bangkok, the latter is the easier of the two choices.

A reader’s recent question reminded me of just how daunting of a task choosing a hotel in Bangkok can be for a first time visitor. Most turn to an internet booking site these days to narrow down their search for the perfect place to lay their head while on holiday. But with Agoda alone offering 1,388 hotels to choose from in Bangkok, you’ll have a headache long before choosing which might best fill your needs. You can narrow your search by quality, but then there are plenty of hotels listed as a three-star lodging that, at best, really qualify as a two-star. Price too is a common way for potential customers to refine their search for a hotel. But while that may keep you from spending $300 per night a well as helping to avoid the dives that only charge $30, there is no guarantee that you’ll get what you pay for. Besides, the remaining hotels to choose from are still all over the place.

Amenities too offer a checklist of which hotels might be acceptable; a swimming pool matters to some, free wi-fi is a must for many, and an on-site gym is important to some guests while on-site massage service is a necessity for others. What services a hotel offers its guest may be a deal-maker or deal-breaker, but even if you bat a thousand on those that matter to you, there’s still no guarantee that that hotel will fill your needs once you step off the property. Location, location, location reigns supreme in real estate, and that holds true when the real estate you are considering is for temporary accommodations too. Bangkok is huge. And which area of town your hotel is located in will play a pivotal role in how much you enjoy your holiday in the Big Mango.

Most of the larger internet booking sites realize location maters and offer users the ability to refine their hotel searches by area. For the newbie visitor that can cause problems. First, being unfamiliar with Bangkok, the difference between saying in Ratchadaphisek versus Siam is not readily apparent (both bill themselves as centers of shopping and offering a major clubbing scene). The Grand Palace area would appeal to tourist looking for Thai culture, Khaosan Road to the backpacking crowd. But Agoda considers them one and the same; the tourist looking to delve into ancient Thailand will be in for a rude awakening when they book a room at Buddy Lodge. And while ‘Sukhumvit’ may have a meaning to those familiar with Bangkok, it means little to a newbie who has not ye been there – and there is a world of difference between staying around Soi 3 and its streets teaming with straight sex tourists and visitors from the Arabian Gulf and Soi 60-something which will redefine ‘off-the-beaten-path’ for newbie visitors.

You could, instead, go with what at least sounds familiar and limit your hotel choices to those in the ‘Bangkok Riverside’ area. But if you thought Bangkok was huge, the Chao Phraya dwarfs it in size and you could easily find your perfect hotel is a good half hour away from everything and anything you wanted to do and see. On the plus side, at least Agoda has finally recognized there are two airports operating in Bangkok these days and has split their ‘Airport’ area into Suvarnabhumi and Don Muang now. None of which would help a first-time visiting lesbians know that Ratchada would probably make for their best home away from home. Especially since the booking sites use the area’s more formal name of Ratchadaphisek.

Consistency too is a problem on internet booking sites. No one can agree on which names to use to designate which area of town. And even within a single site those designations can change. Agoda used to consider the Grand Hyatt Erawan Bangkok Hotel to be located in the ‘Embassy’ area. Which no longer exists. Now you’ll find it listed as being in ‘Siam’. As is The Fifth Residence, though there is a world of difference between the neighborhoods surrounding those two hotels

Sex tourists, of course, are only interested in sex and while that can be found pretty much anywhere in town, for the gay visitor that usually means Patpong. Those with more than their penis in mind, usually have other activities planned for their inaugural visit to Bangkok. Cultural sites like the Grand Palace and Wat Pho top the list. And since Bangkok is usually listed as one of the top five shopping destinations in the world, cruising its malls and markets is often on first time visitors’ agendas too. With that fuller agenda in mind, here then is a break down of those areas of town I’d consider appropriate for a first-time visitors to Bangkok:

Patpong.
I’ll start with the obvious area of interest for most gay visitors to Bangkok: sex. And Patpong, the city’s famous red light district is where you’ll find sex for sale. It is home to both Soi 4 and its gay pubs and clubs, and Soi Twilight where you’ll find the city’s largest grouping of gay gogo bars. And not much else. Though it is one of the more popular areas for gay visitors because of its bars, visitors will find themselves leaving the area more often than staying close to their hotel. While taxis are plentiful, finding one that will use its meter in Patpong can be a chore. And the BTS, despite the claims of some, is not all that convenient. Especially if you are staying along Suriwong as most do. As cheap as transpo is in Bangkok, in my opinion you are better off staying in a different area that offers more daytime activities of interest and taking a taxi into Patpong at night.

Agoda no longer lists Patpong as one of its hotel location areas. It uses the broader area of Silom/Sathorn instead. All of which is still convenient to Patpong and, at worst, an 80 baht taxi ride away. Which may be a good thing. In the broader area you’ll find plenty of places to eat – in Patpong proper your choice are limited. And generally overpriced.

Silom/Sathorn.
This area, extending from Patpong to the Chao Phraya and into the Sathorn business district is probably too large to consider as a single part of town. Nonetheless, most of it is convenient to Patpong as long as you stay along one of the major roads and/or the BTS lines. Just outside of Patpong, your options for dining improve greatly and the value for price paid in accommodations increases too.

I’ll separate Silom from Sathorn, and cut it off before you hit the river even though the booking sites don’t. There are many good choices for hotels along Silom, and plenty of good places to eat nearby each too. Around the Chong Nonsi BTS station there are several hotels popular with gay visitors, and with only a five-minutes walk to Patpong many of these are priced in the $50 to $75 range, making them a much better deal. This is an active area, and convenient for travel around the city too.

Sathorn is not as desirable of an area for most tourists, being just removed from the usual haunting grounds and a bit of a hike to the nearest BTS Station. Though I’d guess you’d consider the ever popular and cheap Malaysia Hotel to be in Sathorn. So there is some preference in this area for those looking for down-scale lodgings. The Pinnacle Lumpinee is in this general area too, and like the Malaysia it has its fans among gay travellers, though it is a slightly more upscale property. But you’ll still be spending a lot of your time taking taxis to get to where you want to go.

Sukhumvit.
I already mentioned the problem with the internet booking sites using ‘Sukhumvit’ as an area because of how long the road is and how different one neighborhood along its length is from another. Some split Sukhumvit into ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ which helps a bit. More usable would be to sperate the street by its BTS stations. So that’s what I’ll do.

Nana Station covers Soi Nana down to Soi 11, or so. Closest to the station (and headed toward the smaller numbers of soi) the area is dominated by a mix of straight sex touri and those who give the area its name of Little Arabia. You’ll find everything from one to five star hotels along this stretch, as well as everything from street food to five-star restaurants. There is an active, and crowded, street market that fills the sidewalk along this part of Sukhumvit nightly and stretches down to Soi 11, where you’ll find some of the more popular male massage places in town as well as trendy clubs, bars, and bistros for locals and visitors alike (though these are not specifically gay establishments).

There are many hotels in this area that offer good value for your money and, depending on how close to Sukhumvit they are, offer quick access to the BTS to get to many other areas you’ll want to visit as a tourist too. There’s always something happening just outside your hotel, restaurants for every taste and budget, and a slightly edgy feel thanks to the ladyboy street walkers and Nigerian drug dealers and scam artists.

Asok Station picks up from Soi 11 and continues down to Soi 19 and Asoke. A bit more upscale than Nana, it too offers accommodations in every price range and places to eat for every budget. It’s also home to Soi Cowboy, where the straight sex touri play. Terminal 21, one of Bangkok’s newer upscale-ish shopping mall is located here too. Plus you have an MTR station in addition to the BTS to take you elsewhere in town. Like the area around Soi Nana, it too offers lots to do both during the day and night and is a well-centered location for most visitors.

Phrom Phong is the next BTS station down the line and for a first-time visitors as far out on Sukhumvit as you should consider staying. The Emporium Mall is located adjacent to the station and while you won’t find much streetside shopping along this part of Sukhumvit, there are lots of great place to eat. The upscale hotels are still stylish here, but the three-star places offering bargain prices quickly dissolve into two-star places with more aspirations than amenities.

Chitlom/Wireless.
Headed in the opposite direction along the Sukhumvit BTS line you’ll first come to Chitlom, which Agoda considers as an area of Bangkok but doesn’t consider the Grand Hyatt Erawan to be located in even though it is steps from the BTS station of that name. Huh.

Some of the city’s best hotels, or at least its priciest are in this area, which is kinda sorta bordered by the Chitlom and Ratchadamari BTS stations. It is walkable to CentralWorld, Bangkok’s largest shopping mall, and offers a good range of restaurants and bistros for those staying in the area. Personally, unless its about the hotel of your dreams, I’d move up to Siam and take the BTS to Chitlom when warranted instead.

Siam.
Siam is your best bet if shopping malls are your thing. There is a smattering of (straight) nightlife venues here too, but everything in the Siam area revolves around shopping. And the hotels tend to charge higher prices knowing that shopaholics will gladly pay for the convenience of 24-hour shopping just outside their door.

Siam is also probably the city’s area of worst traffic congestion. And like Patpong is for the sex tourist, for shopping addicts in Siam you might be better off commuting into the area rather than staying there. On the plus side, transpo option are numerous and the Siam BTS station is the interchange for both the Sukhumvit and Silom lines.

Pratunam.
Pratunam too is an area for those who love to shop. And like Siam it is one of the most notorious areas of town for parking lot-like traffic. This is the home to the Pratunam Market, Platinum Fashion Mall, and Pantip Plaza. For shoppers looking for bargains, it’s nirvana. For anyone else it can be a nightmare.

During rush hour (9am to 11 pm) it can be difficult to convince a taxi driver to take you into Pratunam. Which is a bitch if you are staying there. And the walk to the closest BTS station is quite a hike. Outside of the malls and some street food carts, there’s not much in the way of dining in and around Pratunam, and other than the malls not much else to do.

Khaosan Road.
Khaosan too is a better destination than a place to lay your head, though it is tops for backpackers and Euro-trash. Far removed from most of the other areas of interest to touri, it does offer one of the city’s more active nightlife scenes, and there are many cultural sites nearby too. Hotels are cheap(er) and more down-scale in this area, but if you get off Khaosan Road itself there are plenty of good restaurants offering decent food at cheap prices.

There is no BTS or MTR access to the Khaosan area unfortunately, and while tuk tuks are plentiful they’re so used to scamming backpackers you’ll overpay no matter how hard you bargain for your ride. If you are under 30, this may still be an acceptable area. But it helps if you are stoned too.

Ratchada.
Ratchada, or Ratchadaphisek, too is a good area for younger visitors as it is filled with clubs for both the straight and gay touri. It is also home to a group of clubs catering to the lesbian crowd. But its clubs, bars, cinemas, massage parlors, and shopping malls almost exclusively cater to a local Thai audience. For some reason it has also become an area that caters to the Chinese and Japanese tour bus crowd. For Westerners, not so much. Accommodations are inexpensive, dining options numerous, but Ratchada is off the beaten path for most tourist-related activities and you may find you spend far too much of your time getting into and out of the area to make it suitable for your needs.

The River.
On the internet booking sites, the Bangkok Riverside area can be misleading. Yes, you will be staying next to or near the Chao Phraya, but that could end up being so far out of the main tourist zone that you won’t even know you are in Bangkok. On the other hand, choosing carefully could mean a perfect spot from which to explore the city.

Accommodations are generally higher when the Chao Phraya is in sight. But not necessarily so. Agoda considers the Centre Point Silom to be in the Silom/Sathorn area, but it’s almost next door to the Shangri-la, both of which are real close to the Saphan Taksin BTS Station a well as the central pier for catching a river express boat. The famed Mandarin Oriental is riverside too. Plus it has its own riverboat pier. The Peninsula Hotel, on the other hand, is on the opposite side of the river and far removed from the rest of town (though I guess if you are staying there and using one of the hotel’s limos to get around that may not matter).

But within a block or two of the river you can find less expensive accommodations too. And all of those located along or by Charoenkrung Road mean an incredible number of place to eat from some of the city’s best street food carts to some of its favorite five-star restaurants. The fact is you can live like a king (even if you are more of a queen) along the River of Kings without breaking your bank account.

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