With Valentine’s Day just a few week away, love is in the air. So is desperation. No one likes to be alone on Cupid’s favorite holiday. Even those who tell you Valentine’s Day is not about love, that its consumerism at its worst, would not be making that claim if they had someone to snuggle up with. And their dour disposition on all things Valentines is probably why they don’t. Those of the glass half full persuasion, however, are busy looking for their ideal man. The guy with perfect hair, perfect teeth, a killer smile and bod, and eyes to die for. But those common to drool over physical attributes may not be what you really should be looking for. Where your eye should be aimed is at crotch level. ‘Cuz word is that while size always matters, bigger is not always better.

Yup, smells like science to me.
(Sniff, sniff)

Researchers at the University of Oslo in Norway have recently found that while the way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, a slightly lower path will tell you if he’s a keeper. And those with low-hangers should be avoided at all costs. Awww, nuts.

Perhaps not surprisingly, study author Assistant Professor Petter Bøckman says that while those with bigger testicles are more likely to be unfaithful, it’s all the bitches fault. Not to mention they’re size queens too boot. In studying primates and other animals, the good professor discovered males with large testicles have sex more frequently and with multiple partners. Because their mates demand it of them.

In those species, such as lions, where the females are all skanky whores who’ll put out for anyone, males need to be packing copious amounts of sperm to keep everyone purfectly satisfied. So male lions tend to have humongous testicles. Which explains why they are known a the King of the Jungle. But wait! There’s more! A much as you probably don’t like to think about it, most of us know women in groups tend to synch their periods. Well, lionesses do too. And when the female lions in a pride are in heat, the male must mate with all of them. Like every half-hour for three days running. And that’ a lot of pussy.

Bøckman says the ball-size/infidelity ratio is because if a male will only fertilize one female and has no competitors, he only needs sufficient sperm to reach one egg. But if the female likes to get busy on the side, it’s smart to have as many cars as possible in the race. Hence, he then must have testicles that are as large as possible.

The researchers found the same held true with primates. In a shrewdness of apes where the females put out to anyone with a winning smile (or who’d eat the lice off their back) the males tend to have cojones larger than their brains. Which is a where men do their thinking anyway. But that depends on the species. In a band of gorillas, the men get more down-time and tend to have gonads half the size of human’s. But in a cartload of bonobo – a type of chimpanzee known for its addiction to sex – the males’ family jewels are twice the size of human’s.

So before you go balls to the wall over your next potential mate, you may want to check out what he’s got hanging first. Then again since science has also shown that animals with short lifespans tend to have enormously large testicles, he may only last through the night anyway.

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