Yes, I realize the rest of the country is experiencing first hand what the Ice Age was all about, but in California – where it really matters – we’ve had pleasant almost spring-like weather. Until the last few days when our upper 60s temps took a nose dive into the low 40s. With accompanying winds that meant a ‘real feel’ daily temp in the mid 30s. Which I’m fairly certain qualifies as freezing. It’s so bad I had to wear socks with my flip flops. And thank you for your sympathy. Even worse, with it far too cold out to enjoy life the only option left was to accompany a friend on his annual Christmas shopping trip to the mall. Oh the horror.
In Bangkok the malls are fertile ground for cruising and 95% offer mid-shopping entertainment in the mens room. Not that I avail myself of that service. But it’s nice to know it’s there. Not so with the dismal state of affairs in American shopping malls. A few decades ago our shopping malls were filled with eye candy; malls were a cool spot for the younger generation to hang out. But those hotties have all grown and bought SUVs. Malls are now left to a different kind of cruising; they are now the purvey of ‘power walking’ senior citizens. At speeds reminiscent of being in Bangkok and following behind a group of locals busily attempting to incite jealousy amongst the local snail population. And those senior are extremely pissed over the holiday rush brought on by the Christmas gift-getting season that brings the hordes into what was their domain. Road rage among octogenarians is not a pretty sight. At any speed. But then Christmas shopping isn’t either.
Fortunately said friend is gay so I didn’t have to spend the day with the totally clueless or with the typical straight buddy who’d spend the majority of his mall time trying to work up enough balls to walk into Victoria’s Secret. Straight guys shopping for gifts is a hoot. It’s all about Victoria’s Secret. Even when it’s just their mother and maiden aunt on their holiday shopping list. We ignored Victoria’s. And spent an unnecessary hour perusing the sales staff at Abercrombie’s instead.
So things were going well, or as well as could be expected, until we started a major hunt for a gift for the #1 person on his list. And in his life. Who isn’t a person. Finding suitable gifts for his mom, sisters, and assorted lesbian and gay friends was accomplished with ease. Finding the perfect gift for his cat took hours. His cat. Not dog. Which would have at least been understandable. His cat. There is nothing a cat does during the entire year worthy of earning a spot on your holiday shopping list. Cats are evil, vile creatures who are only in it for themselves. The only gift they deserve at Christmas is a lump of coal. Preferably one large enough to cause serious damage when thrown at them.
Even lesbians are smart enough to realize when you are gonna go through life childless the appropriate substitution is a dog. And you don’t have to buy a Christmas gift for your dog. You being there is gift enough for a dog. Dogs are about unconditional love. Cats only love themselves. Though they are also quite fond of finding some hidden spot to take a crap when you’ve pissed them off by forgetting to cater to their every need. So you’d think that my suggestion of a barbecue grill for his cat’s gift would have gone over bigger than it did.
As a gay man, personally, I think you should avoid having anything to do with pussy. But I know there are far too many of you out there who, faced with the choice between getting a Chihuahua or a cat blew the call and settled instead of punting. So to help you avoid the embarrassment of shopping for a Christmas present for your furry friend – and yes, there are some facets of your personality that should remain in the closet – I’ve let my fingers do the surfing and found the purfect cat gift for you. See what I did there? See how dangerous even thinking about pussy can be?
The folks at Meowadays realize that if you share your living space with a cat you probably are lacking in penis. And they got ya covered. For a mere $14 – which is still $15 more than you should be spending on your cat – they offer hand crocheted play toys your cat will love. Why? Because they are filled with catnip which will send your feline friend into mastabatory delight much as the sight of a real penis probably does you. And if I have to watch your cat slobber all over its own face in joy, watching it suck on a penis at least will bring me a bit of joy myself.
But Wait! There’s more!
While I’m talking about facials, let’s not forget Meowadays Sperm Cat Toy, that only run $8 a pop. Which by volume is probably around the same amount you spent on your last orgasm in the Big Mango. And just like their cat nip filled penis toys, each little swimmer is crocheted by hand (as opposed to knitted ‘cuz crochet produces a thicker fabric without seams according to their website, though I can think of the perfect placement for a seam on their penis toys). I’m not really sure what crocheting is, but since you own a cat you probably are.
Or for $10 – ‘cuz you really shouldn’t spend more than ten bucks on your lesbian friends for Xmas anyway – the company offers the perfect gift for any woman in your life. Which being a gay man means the aforementioned lesbians. Their Cat Toy Tampon will make every day that play time of the month . . . or as Meowadays puts it, “Your cat may hate water but I bet it will love the red tide.” These also make a great gift for yourself if you are still trying to convince your friends that you are straight. Leave one or two laying behind your toilet and your buddies will all nod wisely with a been there seen that look. Of course if you are serious about fooling them about your sexuality, you may want to get rid of that damn cat.
Meowadayss also hand makes a cool little zombie finger, which may or may not work well as a dildo. Let me know. And I haven’t figured out who their little aborted fetus cat toy will make the perfect gift for on my shopping list, but assume it will be equally appreciated by both my pro life and pro women’s choice friends. It’s also a good reminder that cats are known to kill and eat human babies.
All of Meowadays awesome pet toys for awesome pets are made to order and may take 1 to 3 weeks to be shipped. So don’t delay, get your order in today. You can visit their website at http://www.etsy.com/shop/meowadays, or friend them on Facebook at www.facebook.com/meowadays because by being a cat owner you probably walk down Lovers Lane holding your own hand and could use a friend anyway.
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