I’m not a fan of Starbucks. Not because of the evil corporate empire set on world domination thingy. For that one I give them a big thumbs up. Nor can I fault them for proving Abraham Lincoln’s observation that you can’t fool all of the people all of the time is bogus either. But when friends suggest we get together for coffee, whether it’s at a Starbucks or any one of the millions of places riding their coattails, coffee is the one thing you won’t find on the menu. A frappe mocha something whatever, no problemo. Just a plain ol’ cup of real joe . . . good luck with that. If you try to order just a cup of coffee at Starbucks, the clerks give you an odd look. And keep asking what else you want in that. Even Starbucks’ employes know that if you want a real cup of coffee, Starbucks is the last place you should go.

That Starbucks is popular in Thailand is no surprise. Thais are not big on real coffee either. Like Starbuck’s customers the world over they prefer just a small bit of coffee flavoring with their caffeine. You are no more likely to find real coffee stocked on grocery store shelves in Thailand than you are being served a real cup of coffee at Starbucks. What you will find is a huge selection of instant coffee products, all preloaded with tons of sugar and some chemical the manufacturer decided to call creamer. I don’t get the concept of instant coffee. Brewing a real cup of coffee is pretty instant in its own right. To make either, you just add hot water. It’s not rocket science. And when the ingredients only contain 10% coffee, it’s not coffee either.

Not being a fan of Starbucks, I don’t pay much attention to their latest marketing efforts geared toward not selling coffee. So I got a good laugh walking past the branch by the Thae Pae Gate in Chiang Mai one day when I spotted a sign heralding their newest product: instant Starbucks coffee. I don’t know if that’s a match made in heaven, but it certainly is a perfect match for Thailand’s coffee drinkers. The idea of walking into a Starbucks to order a cup of instant coffee gave me giggle the rest of the day. That concept probably put another million dollars in Starbucks’ coffers too.

Not quite as profitable of an idea is Thailand’s One Fan Co., Ltd.’s who tried jumping on the not-real-coffee gravy train, with a twist. Though Pattaya’s sexpats may want to scour their town’s grocery shelves before all of the company’s product has been recalled. Last week, officials with Thailand’s Food and Drug Administration, along with police, confiscated 3 million baht worth of goods from the company who had been distributing an instant coffee product that promised male sexual enhancement. Turns out with only 18% of their product containing coffee – 51% is non-dairy creamer – there was plenty of room left for other ingredients and One Fan decided to go with Sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra.

Despite what you may think if you buy your little blue pills off the street, Sildenafil is a prescription-only drug in Thailand. And One Fan evidently wasn’t paying the appropriate tea money payments to the powers that be. Or coffee money payments in this case. During the raid, authorities found 66,264 coffee bags in the company’s Raminthra Road warehouse. Paitoon Sanseenin, a partner in One Fan, claims his company was not aware of the illegal substance and only trades coffee he bought from a manufacturer in Chumporn province.

Facing up to two years in prison and a 20,000 baht fine, ignorance as a defense is not surprising. That may not work too well considering the product’s packaging which promises that by drinking a cup of One Fan 15 to 30 minutes “before activity” it will “make organ fully solid, and expand the size of the complex”.

At 590 baht per box, One Fan is not a cheap substitute for either coffee or Viagra, but with 80% of the product being a mixture of sugar and fake milk it undoubtedly satisfies the taste buds of Thailand’s coffee drinkers. Now if Starbucks will only rise to the occasion and replace the minor jolt from caffeine their coffee provides with a larger jolt that enhances your stiffy they’ll be able to check off Thailand as another country conquered.

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