You’ve probably heard that old adage about the customer being always right. As a consumer, you probably even believe it. Shopping at you local mall, that’s a fantasy easy to fall for. If it were only that easy, life would be grand. But sometimes it’s not about who is right but about who is the consumer and who is the consumee. And sometimes when you think because the money is coming out of your wallet that that means you are right, is just plain wrong.

There is a popular train of thought that because in offing a bar boy, as the consumer, that what you want is what matters, that you, as the buyer, are in the driver’s seat. So to speak. And if you were buying a roll of paper towels, you’d be right. But bar boys are not consumer goods, as much as some would like to have you believe it to be so. If anything, they are more like a box of Cracker Jacks. There’s always a little surprise tucked away inside. Whether that prize is something cool, or a crappy piece of fluff that gets stuck between your teeth is not your call. Bar boys have adopted Cracker Jacks’ old ad slogan, The More You Eat, The More You Want, as a business philosophy. They know that it truly is a case of supply and demand. And what they are supplying, there is always a great demand for.

In a perfect world the bar boy/customer transaction would always be a win/win situation. And, with the right attitude on your part, it can be. But if you make the mistake of thinking that your cash is king, you can quickly find out that you put your money on the wrong horse (because I haven’t already mixed enough metaphors). When it comes down to who wins and who loses, that you need him more than he needs you determines who ends up in which position. And that can really suck when that position was a major part of the fantasy you had in mind.

You’d think that the sexpats and sex touri who populate the gay Thailand message boards would be experts at offing bar boys. Practice is supposed to make perfect. But at times it seems the only thing they have perfected is insuring their happy ending isn’t. Despite proof to the contrary, they hold tightly to the belief that because they are the customer, they are always right; that because it is their cash, they always have the upper hand. That the customer is always right may not be an accurate adage, but that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, obviously is.

Not long ago a punter who proudly proclaimed he’d been visiting Pattaya for over 14 years shared what he considered the perfect solution to a problem he’d grown weary of facing. Which was that when he booked a bar boy for a short-time off, he found the guy was often in a hurry to bring things to a conclusion. Huh. Imagine that. Because you decided to minimize both your time and his tip, hanging around for hours while you worked up a finish wasn’t what he had in mind. But no problemo.

His solution was, of course, to take the honorable approach and lie. Even though he only wanted a short-time off, he’d tell the guy he wanted a long-time off, specify the hours involved (which worked out to twelve depending on what time he offed the guy) and promised a tip, up front, that works out to 100 baht an hour, or 1,200 baht for the entire twelve hour off. For those of you who don’t care to do the math, that works out to just over $3 an hour.

Without stating why such an upstanding and generous soul would be treated in such a horrible manner, he went on to explain that despite agreeing to a long-time off his date for the night often wanted to get the hell outta Dodge within but a few hours. Cue regional theater acting skills. The punter would feign shock and tell the bar boy that since they’d agreed to 100 baht an hour, that meant he’d only earned 200 baht. And as popular as a $6 orgasm might be among the sexpat population, you can imagine how happy that bar boy was.

The bar boy, as his tale goes, would always then change his mind and agree to stay for his full sentence. But the kind-hearted punter would take pity on the lad, “unhurriedly” finish his business after about three hours, and then let the guy off the hook, tipping him a whopping 800 baht for his time and efforts. He concluded his lesson on how to score a bar boy by noting that he couldn’t remember an off ever wanting to stay for more than four hours. Which just goes to show you how unappreciative those damn bar boys can be.

The lesson here, at least according to this punter is Economics 101: How To Teach Your Boy Du Hour What The Value Of Your Happiness Is. And it only took him 14 years to come up with this fool-proof plan for ensuring a happy ending. I’ve no doubt his next 14 years will be equally filled with good times. But it is nice that he chose to share so that those who cum after him can have as satisfying of a time.

I don’t know why the Thai people love elephants so much, but do know why bar boys do. They are the only animal with a rep for having a long memory that comes close to the abilities bar boys posses. After 14 years of pulling this trick, I’ve no doubt this punter is a well-known commodity and is treated accordingly. I doubt he could buy a happy ending even if he was willing to pay for one. Instead he pays for an orgasm that takes much planning, negotiating, and cajoling. With the result always being the same. But then he seems to be a satisfied customer. And he does always get what he paid for. As does almost every other customer.

As the customer you may have control of the financial end of things, but your boy du jour is in control of the value you receive for your outlay of cash. While it should not be a surprise, though it evidently often is, when you short change a bar boy, he too will short change you. I don’t mean to suggest it is all on your shoulders and that all bar boys are angels wanting nothing more than to please their customer, but more fall on that side of the equation than not. Treating them as a fellow human being instead of something you just bought, being honest, and treating them fairly usually results in both of you getting what you wanted out of the transaction. It doesn’t take much to make it a win/win proposition. It takes even less to turn your win into a lose. And your happy ending into one that you’ll spend years moaning about on the forums.

Bar boys do not have a problem with short-time offs. Many prefer them. With luck, they can squeeze in a few customers a night doing short-times and end up with more baht than they could realize out of a single long-time off. But a short-time off in bar boy parlance means, you come, I go. And if you’ve already indicated you’ll be tipping on the low end of the scale, he’ll want to go a hell of a lot quicker. Ditto when you make it evident that the heft of your wallet means more to you than your happiness does. It’s not surprising that many of the punters who claim they don’t like bar boys who are gay for pay are no more fans of paying for playing. They think that whatever measly amount of cash they are willing to part with automatically puts them in the right. When often all it does it provides them the opportunity to bitch about how all bar boys are duds instead.

It’s easy to assume that when you walk into a bar you are the prize, that the guys working there will all be clamoring for your business. If you’ve presented yourself well and look like someone out for a good time, they may well be. If you have a scowl on your face, one hand on your wallet and the other on your calculator you’ll be some unfortunate lad’s booby prize instead. He may take your custom, but don’t expect him to be anything other than in a hurry to finish his duty and get back to his bar.

Gogo bar customers who think they are always right seldom are and even more seldomly enjoy the experience their money buys them. ‘Cuz it’s not about what you are buying, but about what he is selling. Whether that is a happy ending, or not, is up to you.

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