Well it turns out you’re right. Getting old is a bitch. But there’s worse news on the horizon. Not only is aging a bitch, but it turns you into one too.

Grumpy old man syndrome isn’t exactly news. The spectre of a grumpy old cuss walking about looking like a bulldog eating a wasp isn’t just a fictional characterization always good for a few laughs – except among fellow fans of crankiness – it’s a reality that is far too often seen. Despondent, disenfranchised, dismal, the funk many men sink into as their golden years approach tells you they are at a point in their life where being dissed is what it’s all about. Crabby, cross, and far too testy, sullen seniors seem to be good at only one thing: being cantankerous.

Why is it that Santa Claus seems to be the only octogenarian with a twinkle in his eyes? Is it the sad realization that you are turning into your father? Are the aches and pains in your bones responsible for turning your face into a roadmap of misery? Is there a good reason behind spending your last years on Earth looking like you have to pass gas?

Yup, smells like science to me.

Undoubtedly with all the grant money available for the taking, there have been thousands of studies done on why the elderly are so damn miserable. They hate kids, they hate the trends of the day, they hate their lives and everyone who isn’t as miserable as they are. There are plenty of reasons to point to, plenty to blame for the reason why. But some recent research may point to the true reason old men are generally so grouchy. Dr. Ronald Tamler, director of the men’s health program at Sinai Hospital, says for men aging is a bitch because the process may be turning you into one. He says that as men age their once mighty swords shrinks in size. In both length and girth. And if that isn’t enough to make your smile turn upside down I don’t know what is.

It’s not just thanks to your protruding belly that you can’t see your penis anymore, the aging process too is taking its toll. One that can be measured in inches. “If a man’s erect penis is 6 inches long when he is in his 30s, it might be 5 or 5-and-a-half inches when he reaches his 60s or 70s,” Tamler says. Losing half to a full inch in length is common.

Why? Two reasons: First, plaque builds up in the tiny penile arteries, which clogs blood flow to the shaft. Less blood to the shaft means less erection. Second, over the decades scar tissue builds up within the tissue around the erectile chamber. This too reduces blood flow, and once again what once stood proud and tall is but a shadow of its former self.

But wait! There’s more!

As penis size changes, so does the size of the testicles. “Starting around age 40, the testicles definitely begin to shrink,” says Irwin Goldstein, MD, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. The testicles of a 30-year-old man might measure 3 centimeters in diameter, he says; those of a 60-year-old, perhaps measures only 2 centimeters. In addition to that, the head of the penis gradually loses its purplish color, the result of reduced blood flow. And there is a slow loss of pubic hair. “As testosterone wanes, the penis gradually reverts to its prepubertal, mostly hairless, state,” says Goldstein.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, Ira Sharlip, MD, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco, weighs in with the fact that weight gain, which is common as men grow older, means fat accumulates on the lower abdomen, which makes the apparent size of the penis change. And not for the good. “A large prepubic fat pad makes the penile shaft look shorter,” says Sharlip, just in case you used to be a positive thinker.

The good news is that these experts say such changes need not ruin your sex life. As Goldstein puts it, “The most important ingredient for a satisfying sex life is the ability to satisfy your partner. And that doesn’t require peak sexual performance or a big penis.” Unless, of course, your partner is a size queen.

The good news is that there is something you can do about it. Kidding. Come on, by your age you should known that life just enjoys fucking with you and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. Other than turning into a grumpy old man.

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