Again, so soon?
This is the second in a series of posts within the I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy series of posts, though it will appear to have little to do with Part One, which I posted a day or two ago. Like that post, this one is capable of standing on its own. But it is a lead in to the post that (should) tie them all together. Coming quickly one after the other, this mini-series should provide a basis to better explain a dilemma, an unforeseen and unexpected problem that has recently risen, though I coulda just as easily asked you to go back and read the previous 91 I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy posts instead. But this way provides an excuse to post another few dozen pix of some hot Asian guys. I’ve always been a firm believer that when life throws you a curve ball, your best response is to turn to porn . . .
Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, is my friend. And a sex partner. He’s also a buddy, travel companion, confidant, fellow provocateur, not to mention an all around nice guy. What he isn’t is a live-in partner. Which may be a good thing since he identifies as straight. Whatever in the hell that means to a Thai. Not that that necessarily precludes us from becoming live-in partners. Distance is to blame for that. As is that I enjoy living in my country too much to ever consider moving to Thailand, and Thailand is too deeply embedded in Noom’s soul for him to ever be happy living in America. That does however preclude me from calling him my boyfriend, ours is more a friendship with benefits regardless of how much we care for each other. And regardless of how much I enjoy having sex with him, our friendship precludes me from calling him the other FB, fuck buddy, because while important (to me), the sex is not the driving force in our relationship. But it ain’t a bad shot in the arm either.
Boyfriend, bar boy friend, lover, sex partner, customer and john . . . what ever you call it, it still boils down to being a relationship. ‘Being in a relationship’ should not require further comment, the parameters of every relationship are different and yet the concept is the same. Or so you’d think. Throw in an adjective or two, however, and what is a relationship to some no longer qualifies as one to others. In my book, a ‘committed relationship’ is an oxymoron; if there is no commitment then there is no relationship. And while whatever works for you is fine by me – because it’s your relationship, not mine – an ‘open relationship’ has just never made much sense to me. It’s a committed relationship without the commitment. Ergo, it’s not.
But then there are nuances to every relationship that are not apparent to outsiders. I’m in a relationship with Noom, an adjective free relationship that we both consider to include a commitment to each other, yet due to his line of work when I’m not in town he’s often to be found in bed with some other farang. Neither of us would call what we have an open relationship; others would say it is the epitome of one. At best, I’d agree that we are not engaged in yet another adjectived relationship: a monogamous one.
Monogamy, as a concept or practice, just doesn’t work. The idea is foreign to mans’ existence. Like with all species on this planet, for men it’s all about procreation. Spreading your seed as often, as far, and as wide as possible is where it’s at. I hope whoever came up with the concept of monogamy died a bloody and well-deserved death. Because that little nugget of moral rectitude is the cause of most problems in relationships.
Throw in the pure pleasure of an orgasm – assuming you are doing it right – and it is astounding that any man would ever be capable of a monogamous relationship. Some would even argue that you are not being monogamous when you have sex with yourself. Most guys masturbate, partnered or not. Even the morally righteous do. In a recently conducted poll 61% of married Christian men admitted to masturbating regularly. Damn cheaters every one.
I do, however, believe you can be monogamous in your heart, while other parts of your body are busy at play. Sex is one thing, an emotional attachment to someone is different. The former does not have to infringe on the latter, though it’s a good idea to establish that parameter before stepping over the line. It will be interesting to see what paradigm develops as gay marriage becomes the law of the land. Some localities, preparing for the inevitable need for divorce laws once same-sex marriage becomes a reality, are having a difficult time defining what constitutes consummation when both parties sport the same sex organs. They are quickly discovering that applying traditional concepts and legal terms to gay marriage is not as simple as it seems. Monogamy is part of heterosexual marriages; it may not necessarily be for same-sex unions.
And when monogamy isn’t a legal/moral boundary, but rather a self imposed one. . . well,
I have to wonder how much monogamy owes its existence to problem avoidance. I’ve been in enough relationships to know that at first the idea of looking for sex elsewhere just doesn’t enter your mind. Your guy is all you need, he is all you want. But then, over time, the idea of a little something on the side takes root. Devotion keeps some from acting on that urge. Guilt does it for others. The possible messiness of being caught and the ensuing arguments, fights, and drama are probably an even greater deterrent. For me it’s never been a question of whether or not to cheat, but rather that if I am contemplating doing so, what then does that say about the relationship I’m in? Which usually results in being about the relationship I’m no longer in.
I take commitments seriously, that includes the commitment to being a couple. No problemo with a traditional boyfriend, at least not until my eye begins to wander. With Noom, it’s different. We are a couple only when I’m in town. Even then, when schedules conflict I’ve sent him off for the night to fleece some other customer. And he has, in turn, given me permission to off other bar boys. Provided I tell him first. Right. I can sometimes be dense, but I’m not stupid.
On every trip I’ve made to Thailand since I met Noom I have serious intentions of playing around, trying someone new, hitting the bars and hitting every hottie I find on the first night or two of my holiday. Or the last few. Or both. Gay Romeo alone offers a wide selection of willing partners. And there are enough gogo bars in Bangkok that even the most picky punter is sure to find one Thai hunk that measures up to his standards. I love Noom. But I’m still a guy. Though evidently a castrated one because despite plans of doing otherwise, as soon as the plane lands I make a beeline for Noom’s arms. In reality, I’m monogamous in our relationship by choice. Possibly, due to laziness.
Whether it is with a bar boy or not, a relationship between a farang and a Thai, where distance is more prevalent than not, presents a whole host of problems. How you deal with the question of monogamy in those relationships differs from one couple to the next. The more frequently you are together, the less of a problem it is. When you are apart, what, if any, boundaries you set are up to you. As are promises made. And whether or not they are kept. However the two for you decide to deal with a long-distance relationship, trust becomes the key. If that trust is lost, whether over a real or imagined infidelity, that relationship is over. Though it may take you a few months, or a few years to realize it.
Noom and I have avoided problem within our relationship by not setting any rules regarding the times we are separated. It wasn’t a conscious decision to do so, but rather by default. By not deciding to, we decided not to. But then we both have a leisurely attitude toward sex. Our emotional attachment is of greater importance. I don’t care how many customers he has – a good thing since that’s how he makes a living – and he doesn’t care what I do back home, or if I off another bar boy in Thailand as long as it’s just sex. Neither has anything to do with what we share. The only time jealousy reared its ugly little head – which actually happened twice – was when he perceived his position in my world was being threatened. But that was about trust too. Both times I was able to reassure him. And both time the make-up sex was incredible.
Even then, Noom likes to remind me that I was a butterfly before meeting him. He likes to remind me of that often. I think that is more about the reassurance he gets from hearing the words than it is about my history. It’s not about my previous habit of flitting from on bar boy to the next, it’s about having finally found a guy to share my in-country life with, the companionship and warmth of knowing an actual person instead of just a nice piece of ass. The sex is just a bonus.
In my last post I wrote about the collectivist society that forms the basis for personal, family, and village life in Thailand, and purposefully did not use the word obligation even though a lot of that culture is based on obligations. My iconoclastic soul bristles at the thought that there are things I have to do, that there are requirements I am obligated to meet. I prefer to think of them as choices. Because all obligations and commitments ultimately really are a matter of choice. Noom and I have made commitments to each other, I have obligations to him as he does to me. Some, in fact most, stem from my accepting and participating in the way Thais have decided the world works. Like with monogamy, none of those obligations can be forced on you. You always have a choice in the matter. If you choose to be monogamous, it’s no longer an obligation. It’s something you do willingly, without thought. When you choose to make a commitment or a promise to someone, it’s no longer about a duty owed. It’s about a mutual agreement, in our case to take care of the other guy’s needs, whether that be emotional, financial, or physical.
The importance of Noom in my life is unquestionable. Defining our relationship isn’t as simple. That I’m a happier person knowing him is a given; that I’m a better person because of him is too. We have both made promises and commitments to each other, out of choice. Monogamy may not be one of those, but seeing to the welfare of each other is. Ours may not fit into the traditional perception of what a relationship is, but it works. Glitches only arise when that relationship encompasses life outside of Thailand’s borders.
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tim said:
ive not posted on here for a while as it was all going around in circles a bit … but having read both of your * i love noom * posts i felt the need to psot again .. if only to let you know i have absolutly no idea what-so-ever what any of it means, i’d assume the same applies to you ?
Bangkokbois said:
Usually I wouldn’t claim responsibility for the befuddled state of your mind Tim, but in this case I’ll take the hit. But I did warn you in Part One these posts may not make a lot of sense at first. Stick around, it may get better. If not, well, there are some hot guys to look at so it’s not a complete loss.
SA. said:
This seems to be an interesting build up to something major in the events of this wonderful relationship………stay tuned 🙂
Bangkokbois said:
🙂
Yes, please do.
And then let me know how it turns out ‘cuz I’ve got my eyes covered . . .
ndro said:
O oh….I sense a storm coming! *grab popcorn*
Bangkokbois said:
Better make it a large tub of popcorn Ndro!
Shay O'Byrne said:
I do read all your posts which I find very insightful. I am living in Bangkok and have a Thai man named Chet who I insist on calling my friend – altho’ he would prefer the boyfriend title. Chet is 36. I am 65. He works very hard, full time and not in Bangkok. He’s from Hat Yai. He does come to Bangkok and stays with me every 10 days or so for a day or two. This works out very well. Having my friend does keep me away from Tawan bar – mainly out of guilt and my respect for Chet. Probably unusually here Chet insists on paying his own way but I do try to get in first. And again unusually – he does not have any family. It is a bit of a cultural minefield in Thailand and I try to be mindful of this all the time. I’m not sure where my relationship will go – Chet is certainly very keen while I like my long held freedom.
Love your posts.
Shay
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Shay. And thanks for sharing your story. We don’t hear about successful Thai/farang relationships enough.
Even more, thanks for the assist – Respect. That’s a major component in any relationship. As important as trust is. Yet I get the feeling when reading the gay Thailand message boards, that’s on element that seems to be often missing. Mahalos!
Mitch S. said:
We can’t all be as saintly as Senator Craig or Boo Hoo in our sex lives. “Some” Thais have kik/gik/กิ๊ก/fuck buddies where there isn’t supposed to be an emotional attachment. Pretty close to the Western idea of an open relationship which is partly an acknowledgment that people (especially guys, and more especially some gay guys) are not monogamous by nature even if they want to be in the hearts.
Well, you have a relationship that satisfies your sexual needs while in Thailand and emotional needs while not there to have someone special in your life as well. We all have you pegged as a big sugar daddy anyway with all of your promises to Noom of businesses, etc. 😉
I agree with you about living in America vs. Thailand. Extended stays are great there (and I’m looking forward to another one soon), but America is better overall.
Bangkokbois said:
Damn you Mitch!
I just knew you were gonna bring up opening a business for Noom again. Has he been paying you to keep that idea fresh in my mind?
🙂
Hendrikbkk said:
Cliffhanger! You are such a tease.
Please don’t tell me me you are one of BruceNY boyfriends?
Bangkokbois said:
LOL
God no, I don’t think that bed could be big enough to hold another one!
taospeaks said:
…ah, trying to define the undefineable!
Lets see, looking back over 55 years….
Can’t stand one night stands because to me sex is not about conquest but rather about bonding. Its not about another notch on your belt, or quantity but rather about quality.
The best gay sex, the best gay relationships I ever had were with straight guys. Forget the labels; gay, straight, or bi sexual….they don’t define people but rather the act of sex.
Monogamy is somehow about love and commitment but what if you find yourself more fully fulfilled in one relationship when you are also having an affair on the side? Can an affair make one more committed?
People who claim to be “straight” or “gay” are lying to themselves; you are sexual or asexual. If you cannot bond with someone of the same sex to the point that sex with them occurs, then you are shallow.
Exactly where does friendship begin and end? Does it end or develops into love?
Monogamy is more about insecurity than it is about security; its a societal mechanism to limit the human spirit rather than nuture it.
Having said that, I have been in a committed relationship for 27 years and can still remember every sexual partner I ever had….but then again, I opted for quality rather than quantity….
Your relationship with Noom “works” it is fulfilling, it makes you more than what you are alone…..that’s all that matters. Everyone else needs to figure it out for themselves.
Congraluations!
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks TS, damn insightful points you’ve made. I especially like the question of “Exactly where does friendship begin and end? Does it end or develops into love?”
I think monogamy needs to be viewed in its historical perspective. Like with 99% of the world, even its religious aspects really boil down to money. Marriage, and who and how someone inherited money, power, and position were and are the driving force behind the ideal. Interestingly, with same-sex marriage heavily debated these days, while equality is a good banner I’ll bet the eventual legality of same-sex couplings is based more on financial equality and right than it will be on not discriminating against a specific group of people. Even the Republicans can get behind that idea.
as-boy said:
To Taospeaks NEW RADICAL ‘you get what you give’ : Yes most of the times monogamism is mispercepted by a lot of people. But the important question is: do we need physical bond through sexual involvement to get spiritual growth? Is IT that necessary to get to the next highr level? This topic reminds me of few years back question i ever read in book: is our soulmate only lie in one person??
Well i had 5 years relationship boyfriend (now ex). Im growing with him. And i also had several of my friends along the years, and i also grow with them. But i dont necessarily sleep with them. Not even once. 🙂
To me, once someone decide to unite a physical bonding through sex or whatever you may call it, with the third party to complete the emotional union, its the first time they cheat the value they thought they develop in themselves.
To bangkokbois: yes i can smell something fishy behind this equality. But first step first…
as-boy said:
Monogamy is by choice. Choice is by trust. Trust is based on emotional bonding amd growth. If someone is worth to be with, then be with them.
We choose to be monogamy because we want to be. Not because of they want to be monogamous. Or because thats the way it has to be. A heart is always about one person, never about two. When we decide to be with them it doesnt always they want to be with us. So if you think you wanna bet, go on. Otherwise whats the worth of living this life?
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks As-boy, and I agree that it is a matter of choice. Always. Nice to hear someone’s views from outside of western society, so thanks for your input.
Dekar said:
An interesting post and an invitation to an ironic comment, as I am one of those living in an “open relationship”.
You began the post with a definition of “open relationship” that I do not share. It is not a relationship without commitment, but rather what you described in the rest of the post: separation of love and sex. I can love someone and I can still follow my natural instincts of having sex with different people. That doesn’t mean that I love these guys, it just means that I like the idea of having sex with more than one person for the rest of my life. Love or relationship as you described it is something different and goes past the pleasure of an orgasm even if this should be included from time to time.
If I look at couples in monogamy I often see that they sacrifice sex for the relationship, meaning in the end after 20 years of marriage they “happily live ever after” and neither of them had sex for the past 10 years. Wow what a happy relationship.
However I have the feeling by reading your post that there might be a problem in your relationship. Obviously you don’t have a problem living an “open relationship” meaning that Noom can have sex with other guys be it for business or leisure. However Noom seems to have a problem if you did (at least as far as he cannot turn a blind eye on it). So is he able to realize that the relationship between the two of you is not finished like your past relationships as soon as you see someone else you would like to fuck?
Bangkokbois said:
Oh,, so you are one of ‘those’ . . .
🙂
I can’t disagree with you Dekar. Defining what constitutes an ‘open relationship’ is as difficult as defining what is an isn’t a relationship sans adjective. And you’re right – I began it’s definition in one way and then ended up blessing it in an entirely different way. Regardless (as long as everyone involved agrees) it really ends up being about separating sex from the rest of the relationship.
That, to some degree, is still what I’m struggling with though. Not so much with Noom and his bidness, that’s just being realistic. Part of me still wants to say that when you choose to be committed to one guy, you shouldn’t be knocking off one with some other hottie. Huh. But then doing so, in the open, could even make your relationship stronger.
I’m sooooo confused!
But thanks for your words, they’ll give me something (more) to consider.
Alex said:
Well, you’ve got my curiosity running high! I’m looking forward to reading more.
The monogamy issue is quite confusing for me, and I haven’t come to a real conclusion yet. I’m typically quite monogamous when I’m in a relationship, and I like to see the same from my partner, but nobody is perfect and having sex with someone else once in a while is just too much fun to give it a pass.
Tough issue #1, I wouldn’t want an open relationship where my partner and I formally grant each other permission to have sex with others, as that would be much too rational and break the magic spell.
Tough issue #2, while I’m all for trust and honesty, telling your partner about an accidental sexual encounter most likely hurts him more than just moving on. If it’s only sex, no emotions, why bother? Next time it will be another guy.
Bangkokbois said:
I’m still trying to come to terms with how I view monogamy in a relationship and open relationships too Alex. But I do agree with you that telling your partner after the fact is kinda dumb. I don’t think doing so is really about being honest but rather more about looking for absolution. Or an argument.
We’ll see where this goes . . .
jeffreymonsoon said:
Ok, I think I’ve figured it out.
Never one to pass up a good bargain, you just couldnt resist that discount sex change the last time you were in Bangkok and decided to take a walk on the wild side. Now, thanks to a problem with your Thai hormone prescription, the only question is whether Noom is straight enough to make love to a lady with a 70’s pornstache and back hair.
Bangkokbois said:
Damn you Jeffrey!
I thought the judge talked to you about peeking into people’s bedroom windows . . .