This is gonna be an unusual entry into my I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy series of posts. For several reasons. First, while I think it will still stand alone (no guarantees since its ending is not yet in sight), it actually is Part One of a god only knows how many parts series within the series. The multi-episode format is due to, I think, that I’m missing Boo Hoo’s habit of making a 738 part post covering a two day trip he once made. Okay, so I don’t believe that myself. But it was worth a try. The important thing is that this post is leading somewhere; it’s part backstory, part explanation . . . when I finally get to the point where it becomes important I’ll remind you. I’m not sure when that will be.

Second, usually when I write these posts I have a story to tell or a point to make. Sometimes both. This one not so much. Though that is more about what is to come. There is a point to this part, there may be a story coming later. I’m not entirely sure where this is all headed, or what will eventually appear on your computer screen. Not that that is unusual. I’m surprised at how often these posts about Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, end up taking me somewhere other than planned. So you can add Muse to his list of talents. And I can add yet another of the miraculous things about him of which I’m in awe. Though his muscular body will always start that list off.

And lastly, I’m kinda cheating because this mini-series of posts is more about me than it is about Noom. Though he does play a prominent role. I’d like to say it is in fact about him, because he is the problem. But that’s not fair. To date he doesn’t even know a problem exists. And probably wouldn’t see it as one anyway. If you are confused already, don’t worry. It’ll get worse.

While I am still hesitant to refer to Noom as my boyfriend, I’ve never shied away from calling him my friend. Or what we share, a relationship. That’s not an attempt at being coy, nor is it in anyway meant to diminish what he means to me and what, I hope, we mean to each other. If anything, as loosely as ‘boyfriend’ is used by some who have formed an attachment to a Thai bar boy, or boys, calling him my friend is a higher honor. It removes the sexual aspect of our relationship to some degree, and while I hope physically that never happens, I value Noom’s friendship above all else. If his dick fell off tomorrow, I would still want to be his friend, I would still want to share the closeness we share now, I would still want to be part of his life. It just wouldn’t be quite as much fun.

I also prefer calling Noom my friend because of what that means in Thailand. I have friends in the states too whom I enjoy being around, people I care for and care about, but when you are part of someone’s inner circle in Thailand it’s a whole different ballgame. Being a collectivist society, when you become a Thai’s friend you also become part of his family, part of his group, part of his village. As our relationship has grown, I’ve been able to experience the constant give and take, the sharing, that Noom indulges in with both his family and those he considers friends. And have become a part of that world. His world. Doing so has been an edifying experience for me. And he’s probably been happy to watch while I’ve finally begun to see what the world is really all about.

Coming from an individualistic society where life is more self-centered than it is in Thailand – where the needs of acceptance and community always outweigh the needs of the individual – it’s difficult for many to grasp how much that mindset permeates daily life. That’s because we of the west tend to always view things from our perspective first. And last. Recognizing the ‘us’ in place of the ‘me’ is not something that comes naturally. For many, it’s something that never comes at all. This gives rise to the frequent citation of the walking ATM syndrome, the general feeling of it always being about a farang’s wallet, and the often defended reality of the bar boy who is only interested in getting as much baht for as little effort as possible that the disgruntled and disenfranchised love to promote. Huh. I guess for a lot of those guys it really is all about them. It’s just a shame their negativity drives their perspective and disallows them from experiencing the warm and supporting culture that exists in Thailand.

As Noom and my relationship has grown, so has our friendship. And I’ve been adopted into his family. I frequently get text messages and email from the brother he’s closest to, none of which is ever really about anything other than staying in touch. Papa, who speaks not a word of English, lectures me on the ways of the world as he does his other sons whenever we visit. I listen dutifully while he rambles on for ten minutes, understanding 20% of what he says at best, and then turn to Noom for a translation. Which always starts with, “He tell you . . .” and then succinctly sums up what was said in just a few words.

No problemo. It’s not really about what he says but that he feels the need to say it. And that he cares enough to do so. Much as it is with my real father. My new sister-in-law indulges me with her love of cooking, and teases me unmercifully. Her husband, Noom’s oldest brother who is the same age as I am, gets teased just as much over his inability to come to terms with not being the sole eldest brother any longer. Family is what it is whenever you are in the world.

What I bring to the table, obviously, is primarily financial in nature though I like to think my charming wit is as highly as valued. But that is not about me being a farang, it would be no different were I the rich Thai uncle. When the us takes precedence over the me, everyone contributes what they can toward the betterment of the whole. And personally, I think I get much more than what I give. It’s kinda like those Master Card commercials – a group of people who care about you beyond the materialistic aspects of your relationship: priceless.

I’ve become friends with Noom’s friends too, primarily his bar mates. There has been a noticeable difference in how they act around me as Noom and my friendship has grown. And in how I act around them. It used to bug me when while at his bar Noom would ‘suggest’ I tip a boy or two who was doing nothing that would suggest he should be tipped. I know now those were and are his friends. And those tips were about sharing the wealth. Even more so, it was about Noom bringing me into his circle.

Originally, I’d watch Noom pull money out of his pocket – that I’d given him – to pass on to his friends in need. That eventually changed to a direct transaction from me to them, thanks to Noom attempting to teach me a lesson in how the world works. At least his world. It just took a while for it to sink in. Even though his friends understood what that gesture meant immediately. Now when I’m in his bar or on the soi I get well taken care of. Not because of the baht I have or am willing to share, but because I am part of the community; the money I have has little to do with the riches that I enjoy.

As quickly as Thailand is growing and taking its place as a developed country, it’s rural past is not that far in the distance and is still a major part of the country outside of the large cities. Village life still resonates deeply within the Thai soul. The banding together for the betterment of all is still the main focus of how the majority of Thais live their lives. Bangkokians no longer live in a traditional village. But tend to treat their neighborhoods as such. As well as their circle of friends who may be brought together through school, work, or some other shared interest. That connection to a community is a necessary part of their life. It means having a built-in support group, as will as immediate acceptance into a group of people who care for you and care about you. It’s also about caring for and about others.

Farang who are afforded the opportunity of entering that world often immediately react negatively over the financial aspects it can entail. Caution is never a bad thing. Wearing blinders can be. Money, believe it or not, is not the end all. Noom happens to love the stuff. I’ve watched him become incensed over an amount as little as 10 baht. And then watched him turn around and hand out several hundred baht to friends with a smile on his face. That’s because he knows that it’s not the value of money that is important in life but the value it brings to your life. And to the lives of your friends and family.

So, I warned you that I had no idea where this post would take me and it isn’t where I expected to go. This part was suppose to be about my friendship with Noom, and though it is, the latter half seems to read as if it is all about money. I guess that’s to be expected. I still get defensive about the subject because I hear too often about how it is the financial aspects of Farang/Thai relationships that really matters. When it is not. Even though it takes money to keep a village going. It’s not a bad point to make in any case. And worthy of a post on its own. Now we’ll just have to see how that ties in with Part Two .

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