What do you do with your bar boy du jour when you get him back to your hotel room?

Too soon? Nah . . .

Last week we covered appropriate behavior for visitors to Bangkok Gay Go Go Bars, and hopefully newbies learned how to not embarrass themselves while enjoying their night out on the town. But unless you are a pathetic and strange individual who only likes to watch (or possibly interview) the hot naked studs on stage, most guys who visit the bars do so for one primary purpose: to off a bar boy and take him back to their hotel room for a night of pure bliss.

For the newbie, as with navigating the waters of the bar, this too can be rife with opportunities to commit a social faux pas or two, though back in your room it is often the behavior of the bar boy that brings about concerns. Still, the dos and don’ts are on your shoulders because you are visiting their land. To help you ensure your ending is a happy one, here are some don’ts – and a few dos – to observe:

Do Not Expect the Boy Who Said He’d Do Everything To Do Everything. Nothing is worse than a dumb farang actually thinking the boy he chose would really do everything just because he said he would. That’s almost as bad as those who believe the boy really loves them. Your boy will set the pace, and anything you want him to do that he won’t he’ll just act like he doesn’t understand you. Because if he did understand you you’d lose lots of face. To bar boys it’s all about your rep and they will go to great lengths to keep it a sterling one.

The towel is a part of traditional bar boy dress, don’t expect him to give his up easily.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Enjoy Himself. Your boy will enjoy the money you tip him, he will not enjoy what he has to do to earn it. If he is straight, that whole dick thing is just unnecessary in his book. If he is gay, well, face it, you are not his Prince Charming. Farangs who care about the boys they off get the act over with as quickly as possible. This is called having a good heart. If you jack off in the shower alone before his participation is required, he’ll think you have a really good heart.

Do Not Expect The Boy Who Has Been Naked On Stage Performing Sex Acts To Show You His Goods. Another area that many Farang make an error in is nudity. Understand that your boy had to strip down and perform sex acts on stage back at his bar to entice you to off him. Now that he has a customer this is no longer required. Besides, from past experience your boy knows as soon as he shows skin you’ll pounce. So expect him to help you control your urges by wearing a bath towel around his waist up to and including climbing into bed. (And if you blew the good heart thingy when you had a chance in the shower, by laying next to his towel draped body and taking matters in your own hand you will redeem yourself.)

Do Not Expect The Boy To Keep His Eyes Open. Bar boys love the farang who off them and want to do everything they can to take care of them. You boy will spend a significant amount of his time with you with his eyes shut tight. Do not worry that he may find the sight of you repulsive, he is just praying for your soul and doing so with his eyes shut shows reverence.

The floor is one of the few places in your hotel’s bathroom that a bar boy will seldom use.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Want To Have Sex On The Table, Couch, Kitchen Sink, Or Balcony. Silly Farang. Beds are where you have sex and they are the only acceptable place for sex. Otherwise how will you boy know which areas of your hotel room to avoid? As with most of your bar boy’s actions in your room, this is really more about you than him. Hotels rooms always have lots of mirrors and unless you hide that seventy-year-old body under bedsheets, multiple angles will be flashed in the mirror. And then the boy will laugh. In addition, bar boys know the average age of their customer means it is not safe for the farang to exert themselves except while in a prone position.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Know What A Toilet Is. Flush toilets are a Westerner contraption that has nothing to do with being Thai. While more experienced bar boys know how to use a toilet, novices assume it is a raised squat toilet and will often leave their footprints on the seat. This should not overly concern you because it is better that you have no need to sit on the toilet anyway because after the first trip to the bathroom in your hotel he will have grabbed all of the toilet paper that was not drenched during his use of the shower and stuffed it in his bag. (This is a well-known phenomenon and is why most hotel bathrooms come equipped with a bidet in Thailand).

Do Not Expect The Boy To Not Flood Your Bathroom, And Possibly Entire Hotel Room. Bathrooms in Thailand always have a drain in the floor so that housekeepers can easily flush away all of the disgusting deposits farang have made on the floor. Your bar boy is probably related to your housekeeper and will want to take care of this job for her. If things get out of hand – he is a bar boy after all and has not been trained to clean rooms – he will throw all the towels on the ground and then call you in to take care of the problem. He will however keep one towel firmly wrapped around his naked body, so that he will have something to dry off with.

Dental hygiene is important to those Thais who still have teeth, so it is a good thing you packed your toothbrush.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Not Use Your Toothbrush. Back home your boy shares a toothbrush with his entire family. This is an economical tradition because family members over the age of thirty only have one or two teeth and have no need for an entire toothbrush for their own use. Your boy will want to welcome you warmly to his family as soon as possible so you can begin your job of taking care of them by sending large quantities of cash when you return home; sharing your toothbrush is just his way of honoring you as a future family member.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Show You More Attention Than He Does The Television. As a visitor to the Kingdom it is incumbent upon you to learn as much Thai as possible. The immersion method works best. To this end your bar boy will turn on a local television station as soon as he enters the room, and for your educational benefit, will expect it stay on until he leaves. Even if that is a week later.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Show You More Attention Than He Does His Cellphone. There are more people using Facebook in Thailand than anywhere else in the world. They are a very connected people and love to share every aspect of their lives. Do not become upset if he is texting during your session in bed, he is just updating his Facebook status and telling all of his friends what an incredible lover you are.

Bar boys can spend hours in the bathroom preparing themselves for you. If you fall asleep waiting, consider yourself to have a good heart.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Like Sperm As Much As You Do. Bar boys are not really fond of their own sperm and are less so about yours. Splattering his chest as you come may be fun but he will immediately jump up and go wash it off. Leaving sperm on your skin is, after all, how you get pregnant.

Do Expect The Boy To Use You As A Pillow If He Stays Overnight. Most bar boys consider Farang good for two things: Their ATM where a steady stream of funds can be obtained, and their overly corpulent bodies, which make a wonderfully soft pillow. The benefit here is two-way. If you have never drifted off to sleep with a bar boy wrapped around you then you have never really lived.

Do Not Expect The Boy To Want An Encore The Next Morning. At some point during the night, even if it was only by your own hand, you got yours. Wanting a repeat performance when you wake up the next morning is just plain greedy. Greed is a sin in the Buddhist religion just as it is in the Christian faith and your boy will take care of your soul by jumping into the shower and then getting dressed at the first sign of a transgression. Besides, orgasms costs; that’s what he is selling. If you want a second go round you need to tip him appropriately.

He’ll be cuddling up to you soon instead.

Do Expect The Boy To Need Money For A Taxi Ride Home. Like greed, charity is an important precept in the Buddhist faith and nothing is more charitable than you ensuring your hard working bar boy have taxi money to get to his home. You may think he does because you just handed him a few thousand baht as a tip, but wages and gestures of good will should not be confused. And if he really wants you to rack up karma points for your charitable transportation donation he will catch the free, non-air-conditioned bus instead of the 14 baht bus to get back to his loom.

Do Expect The Boy To Tell You He Loves You (If You Managed To Not Commit Any Of The Above Strange Behaviors Or Social Faux Pas. Bar boys know that lonely farang travel thousands of miles to their country, not for sex – as the farang assumes – but for love. The sex they can get back home by chuck-wowing just like they do with most bar boys. Love is a different matter. And if you have shown you have a good heart and have done nothing to embarrass the bar boy he will tell you that he loves you. It might be based on how well you tipped, how well you behaved, or how well you are able to take care of his family, but don’t think his love is not real. Love is what makes the world go around, and while it comes as an expense in Thailand, your bar boy du hour will knock your little world for a loop.

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