Appropriate behavior on your part when visiting a gay gogo bar in Bangkok can mean the difference between a happy and not so happy ending.

While it is not unusual to run across some ancient, ridiculous looking queen – suddenly confronted with a bar full of hot young naked men who are willing to satisfy his every desire for the price of a song – making a spectacle of himself groping the boys and engaging in sexual acts normally reserved for the privacy of a bedroom, most of us – after we’ve gotten that one under our belt – prefer to act in a more appropriate manner when visiting Thailand’s bar world. Meaning we’ve learned it is polite to tip before making a spectacle of ourselves groping the boys and engaging in sexual acts normally reserved for the privacy of a bedroom.

For the first time visitor to Thailand’s world of gay gogo bars it is a heady experience and it’s easy to lose sight of the normal societal rules we usually adhere to. It can also be a confusing situation since the rules of etiquette we’ve been practicing our entire lives suddenly no longer seem to apply. Miss Manners has never addressed how to properly react in a public setting when some naked hunk’s cock is being pushed in your face.

Compounding matters, polite visitors have learned the do and don’ts for visiting Thailand so that they will not offend local customs, but then have those rules turned upside down when hitting their first bar. It’s easy to understand their confusion. We all know you are not supposed to touch a Thai on his head, but what about the silly little queen shrilly screaming, “Tip me!” with its head is buried in your lap while being pounded from behind? Can you then grab his head to aim his mouth toward your hard dick? Is it polite to cram his face further into your crotch, even when your goal is just to shut him up? Or do you have to tip him more for that pleasure?

To help newbies avoid making an embarrassing social faux pas, here’s a list of do and don’ts – heavy on the don’ts – to use when visiting one of Bangkok’s gay gogo bars:

Don’t play with the boys in public (find a secluded corner to fondle them instead.)

Don’t Just Stand There: When first entering a bar – especially when it is mid-show – newbies often come to a full stop, their motor skills having just been jammed up by the sight of all the naked dick standing up. Understandable, but your wide ass is probably blocking someone’s view so get control of yourself and grab a seat. The sooner you do the sooner one of those erect cocks will come sit beside you.

Don’t Order A Sex On The Beach: I love a play on words as much as the next guy, but when it comes time to order a drink at one of Bangkok’s gogo bars (which is as soon as you and that visiting erect cock sit down) being cute is not appreciated. Ordering a Sex on The Beach instead of a Singha will confuse your waiter and he’ll think you just offered to off him and take him on a two week trip to Phuket. (Of course if your intention was to off him and whisk him away to a tropical paradise, order all the sex you can handle.)

Don’t Ask How Much A Drink Costs: Yes, it is time to master the possibilities. And the possibility that you’ll not only get to enjoy spending and evening drooling over a bunch of naked hunks, but can also take one home with you, is priceless. Unless you feel the need to put a price on it. In which case the entire bar will know you are a cheap ass and respond appropriately. That visiting erect cock that was sitting next to you? Yup, it just went off in search of greener pastures.

Don’t expect a bar boy to be more interested in you than he is in his phone. (Unless you offer to buy him the newest model.)

Don’t Be A Jerk: Depending on the bar, jerking off may be appropriate but acting like a jerk is not considered good form at any bar. Thais are a very forgiving people, but no one appreciates a loud, boisterous customer grabbing bar boy ass and screeching about all the cock on stage. Show some decorum. Unless you’ve been throwing large handfuls of baht around. Then your unruly conduct is not only expected but encouraged.

Don’t Jerk Off: Sorry, I was kidding about that jacking off thingy. Most bars in Bangkok do not consider shows put on by the customers to be a good thing. You are not Pee Wee Herman so leave your pee wee alone. Pattaya of course is a different story as are the small sleaze bars around Tawan. There you can masturbate to your heart’s delight though the scrawny street urchins who work at those bars will think you are ting tong for doing so when for a mere 20 baht they’d do the job for you.

Don’t Mimic The Sour Faces Of Your Fellow Patrons: A good rule of the road anywhere in the world is when you are unsure of the conduct expected of you, follow the lead of those around you. If the bar you enter is filled with sourpuss old sexpats, this is not good advice. They are living proof of the warning your mother used to make about your face freezing like that. Sitting in a bar full of naked hunks looking like you are trying to pass wind is not the way to attract companionship. Thais devote their lives to having fun and you looking like someone who smells of a bad time will guarantee that you will have something to be grumpy about.

Don’t expect the guy getting fucked on stage, or on your lap, to be a handsome masculine hunk. (But don’t assume that handsome masculine hunk won’t be more than willing to take that position back in your hotel room.)

Don’t Fondle The Boys Walking By: Despite the fact that every guy working in the bar is willing to go back to your hotel with you and perform disgusting sexual acts for a mere pittance, molesting them as they walk about the bar is crass. The boys are not just pieces of meat. At least not until they’ve been purchased. Smiling, or waving a 20 baht note in the air, will however entice one or more to sit next to you. Then you are free to fondle away (or at least fondle for as much time as that 20 baht note will buy you).

Don’t Forget Where The Door Is: The bar is all about sex. Your hotel room is all about sex. Both have doors for a reason. Wandering through the streets of Bangkok fondling your boy du jour is a no no. Thais do not approve of PDAs, even in Patpong. Control yourself. You’ll have ample opportunity of embarrassing yourself once you are back in your hotel room with your boy of choice.

Don’t Ask The Boy If He Is Gay: The majority of guys working Bangkok’s gay gogo bars do not consider themselves to be gay. When it means the difference between landing you as a customer or not, the majority of guys working in Bangkok’s gay gogo bars will tell you they are gay. And that they do ‘everting.’ Straight or gay, it does not make a difference, the boy is no more likely to enjoy having sex with your old, fat ass just because he happens to like dick. Because the dick he happens to likes has nothing to do with what is hanging between your legs. A large part of what you are paying for when you off a guy is the fantasy. Don’t make the mistake of bringing reality into the scene because all that really matters to the bar boy is your wallet and your quick orgasm.

Don’t scream, “Eww!” every time you spot ink on a bar boy. (Your imperfections are much worse and he’s not making a public display of his disgust, so return the favor.)

Don’t Run Short Of Cash: All over the world, cash is king. And if you want to be king of the bar, even if you are a queen, you better have plenty of it with you. The only bulge in your pants bar boys are interested in is the one formed by your wallet. And tiny-wallet syndrome is a much larger problem than tiny-dick syndrome is. Note that if you run out of baht and only have your country’s currency left, the bar will serve as a currency exchange booth for you at rates that will make your dick shrink. Of course if you are just out for a good time, watching a mamasan try to do the math can always be good for a laugh, though you will always pay dearly for the amusement.

Do Smile And Be Friendly To Anyone Who Talks To You: Okay, so I stole this one off a website about proper conduct when visiting a strip bar in Las Vegas assuming what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Smiling and being friendly is a good tip anywhere in the world where naked bodies are on display. Doing so to anyone who talks to you, however, can be disastrous. Their advice for Las Vegas was “If a lady comes up that you are not interested in, don’t feel obligated to spend time with her. Simply tell her that you aren’t interested in buying a dance at this time and thank her for stopping at your table.” Good luck with that when one of the bar’s screeching little fems plants his ass on your lap in Bangkok. Thais do not like to use the word no, and from lack of use do not understand it either. Sticking two fingers down your throat while making gagging sounds however is a universal gesture understood by all. You can smile again when it leaves.

Do Show The Boys Respect: I would assume that despite what a bar boy does for a living most would realize he is a fellow human being and deserves a modicum of respect, but a long-time sexpat and board owner constantly preaches about showing the boys respect, so I guess it needs to be repeated here too. According to this expert, respect is shown by a: never tipping the boy more than necessary (think around the cost of a so-so meal at a 2 star restaurant, or $15, whichever is lower.); b: never engaging the services of a boy for more than one night (offing a boy for more than for a short-time only serves to encourage his greed so you’ll be respectively taking care of his moral needs in this way); c: pimping the boy out over the internet through a ‘match making’ site (there’s no reason you should not make a profit off the sale of a boys body too), and d: demanding that there is always a multitude of fresh, young boy selling their bodies on Pattaya’s beaches (this should not be confused with greed on your part, it is the way to show your respect for the Thai people whose male offspring should all be given the opportunity of servicing your 500 lb. ass).

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