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Head or Tail, it’s your choice on how you party in Thailand.

Recently, Bucknaway started a thread on SGT soliciting ideas on behalf of Pattaya’s bar owners about what would make for a successful bar. It’s not the first time Bucky has delved into that subject and I was glad to see this time around he didn’t focus his entire attention on games for the boys to play to amuse the punters as he has in the past. I even liked his idea of roping off a section of the bar for some patrons, though he thought it should be for VIPs while my thoughts were more along the line that a good percentage of bar visitors should be confined behind some form of barricade so that the rest of us could enjoy our night out.

An informative thread to newbies to both the forums or Pattaya’s bars, the usual suspects chimed in with their usual; scottish-guy took a contrarian view just so that he’d have one; cdnmatt demonstrated yet again why a self-employed uneducated businessman still in his twenties who has managed to secure rented lodging in a rural section of a developing country where he has to fight and scrape to keep his head above water might not be the best person to be handing out business advice; some old codger bitched and moaned about the noise level in bars, citing once again that continued exposure to very loud music is dangerous – as if the old fogies haven’t been preaching that myth since Elvis took the stage; Da Boss’ blood pressure flew through the roof thinking someone was attacking him personally yet again; and the thread dissolved into an uninformed debate over the relative cost of a drink to a customer versus the cost to run a bar. Oh and Fountainhall dropped by to offer too many words of wisdom which I didn’t bother to read because he’s such a pompous ass.

No good ideas were put forth – including Bucky’s original ones – but the gang did manage to scare the shit out of a newbie poster and confirm in his mind that much like in high school what really matters on the forums is which clique you belong to. Oh, and I’m sure someone whined about smoking in the bars too, and if not someone will before that thread dies its natural death.

The one thing that everyone seemed to agree on, besides that the small dingy bars that plaque Pattaya are in need of something to pull them from the jaws of death, is that the majority of visitors are interested in one thing and one thing only: boys. Huh. Imagine that. I’d call that a supreme moment of, “Duh” but it seems to be an often overlooked part of the gay gogo bar business model in Pattaya. Not that I can really blame the bar owners; all of their focus has to be on how to pry a satang out of the tight fists of their customers. While being bombarded by great promotional ideas from the same.

When Da Boss started his Boy Bingo nights the forums went berserk over the demeaning idea of making the bar boys perform in a game that awarded their body as a prize. Because that surely is an affront to the dignity of some young lad who has decided his calling in life is to parade around in his underwear for the amusement of a small roomful of octogenarians in hopes of scoring one of the less obese as a customer and then servicing him for the night by performing whatever twisted sexual fantasies reside in the old fart’s heart for the grand sum of $30. If he’s lucky and hits on a big spender. Once the silly queens calmed down, that discussion dissolved into a spate of suggestions full of all the other party games the boys could be forced to play – with Bucky leading the way in coming up with the most child-like amusements.

I know Buck rubs a lot of forum posters the wrong way. I generally get a kick out of him for some strange reason, and as long as he wasn’t allowed to come up with games for the night, he’s one of the few posters I’ve thought would be fun to spend a night hitting the bars with. At the same time, Buck has got to be one of the least cool black guys I’ve ever run across. Maybe in real life he’s not such a dweeb. Just sayin’. But the point is, that it seems to me, even gay gogo bar patrons are still adults. And sex, for adults, shouldn’t include kids party games as foreplay. That’s not my idea of fun. Maybe the secret to a successful bar, even in Pattaya, is to cut out the crap and focus on what it is men go to gogo bars for: to grab a hottie for a night of sex. Seems to be to be a pretty cut and dried equation. And that has nothing to do with playing ring toss with some 18-year-old’s erection. At least not until you get back to the privacy of your own hotel room.

Surprisingly, out of all of the ideas put forth in that thread, cdnmatt came closest to what could be an ideal club. Unfortunately he should have used a broad brush to paint his picture but instead went for details and got lost in simple addition. His idea of a clean, classy, spacious place geared toward service instead of the typical cramped, dingy bar filled with second hand furniture and staffed by pushy, aggressive mamasans, was spot on. But then, proving even attending a quarter of a university’s Introduction to Business class would have done his knowledge base wonders, he suggested that the bar boys should double as wait staff, never realizing there is a good reason why those are two separate jobs and why if you decide to off a waiter his bar fine is so much higher than that of a boy on stage. And I’m not sure where the bubbling fountains came from either, but maybe that’s what signifies class in Matt’s book. Be that as it may, a large clean bar, filled with a lot of guys who want to show you a good time is exactly what I too would look for in a bar. To the Pattaya aficionado that might sound like Utopia. To the rest of us, that’s called Bangkok.

Pattayan sexpats like to put down Soi Twilight because of the high drink prices. But you get what you pay for. Instead of a dingy little place with a dozen guys on stage – on a good night – you get a large spacious bar with a few dozen hot guys to choose from. For about an extra $5. That’s money well spent in my opinion. Even if your plan for the night is just to hit a bar, order your obligatory drink, pick a guy out, and head back to your hotel with him, the selection in Bangkok alone makes it a better deal. On the other hand, if you are looking for some place to hang out for the night and have a good time with a bunch of friendly guys, Soi Twilight offers that too.

There are nights when I’m in town when I just want a guy for sex. I could use GayRomeo to satisfy that itch but all those guys are moneyboys at heart and I’ve yet to see one who would rate above a 7. I can do those guys back home for free to my heart’s content. In Thailand I want the guys who come in at a solid 9 or 10. And I can find them on Soi Twilight. For the cost of a drink. More often though I’m out for a night of having a good time, catching a show, and finding some camaraderie. With guys dressed in the underwear.

There are several bars I can choose from, all of which, from past experience, will fit the bill. Settling in for the night, all it takes is buying a drink for a boy and a captain and before you know it you have your choice of the guys working there to pick from. Buy a few more guys a drink and you are surrounded by a group of handsome young men laughing and joking and massaging every part of your body that you are willing to let them play with in public.

Some disappear for a bit to take their turn on stage, but return to the group as soon as they’ve done so. Some disappear for a bit when the show starts, but when they take the stage they play to your enjoyment. And even if you have already selected which guy you’ll be offing, they all still hang around wanting to be part of the party. Sure you pay for that service, but that’s part of the game. And that’s a game that attracts those customers who want more than a single drink and then back to their hotel. It’s also a game that pays off for the bar owner.

There is one bar in Pattaya that comes close to offering that experience, and they charge more for it too. The sexpats instead head for the smaller bars where the drinks are cheap and the boys disinterested. But then they tend to find their happiness in having something to complain about, so those bars suit them. And I’m glad they do. Otherwise they’d be in the Bangkok bars and those places would then have to install the ropes that Bucky was talking about.

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