[This is part 9 of our ten day most memorable Olympic moments countdown to the 2012 Olympics. The daily non-Olympian athletic gratuitous eye candy is just a bonus.]

. . . and Jim McKay, is turning over in his grave.

NBC has signed Ryan Seacrest to be one of its on air personalities for coverage of the 2012 Olympics. While it’s nice to see the network hire a gay man to be involved with the world’s premier athletic event I fear the result is not going to be pretty. Seacrest’s qualification for the job seems to be the smarmy insincerity he employs in setting up American Idol contestants for a laugh. Even though some of the other commentators the network is using are cringe-worthy in their own right, they at least have some pedigree within the sports community.

Seacrest, or Team Seacrest as he is being referred to on his website, has already demonstrated where his interests in the Olympics lay noting that viewers would be motivated to tune into the coverage because of Seacrest’s participation. That the world’s premiere sports spectacular might be the fundamental reason behind someone tuning in escaped Team Seacrest, but then considering the on-line articles already showing up there that the event has something to do with sports is obviously of little interest. “Forget the typical rules of summer style, come July 27th if you’re not rocking your country’s colors . . “ starts out the article titled Olympic Swag. Rather than cover great Olympians of the past, Team Seacrest has gone with The History of Olympic Mascots, and in Olympians Live Dorm Style, we are told “Every girl’s college dream is living on the same floor as the baseball players, football players, soccer players . . .” And what sports fan won’t be immediately pulled in with the article Olympian Lucky Charms: They’re Magically Athletic.

(Well, okay, that one’s not too bad. Shame he came up with it first.)

Team Seacrest’s Olympic website also has not one but two articles about Olympic nail designs (though neither mentions which Ryan sports). But all is not lost, at least not for gay sports fans because it’s evident that Team Seacrest plays for the Rainbow Team too: with hardly a fish anywhere in sight there’s numerous Ryan Lochte articles (focusing on his body), several on Michael Phelps (focusing on his body), an article about the 15 hottest bodies at the Olympics (all male) and lots of Olympic fashion coverage.

But then NBC’s past Olympic coverage has had little to do with the athletic events; instead of focussing on the competitions we will once again have to endure patronizing ‘Up Close and Personal’ segments that highlight competitor’s tragedies instead of their achievements. And they’ve raised the bar this time around if the US Trials were any example – and I’m sure they were – thanks to Proctor & Gamble’s ‘Family Cam’.

I’ve been out shopping for a bucket suitable for spewing in as preparation for those golden moments. Already during the diving trials we were subjected to far too many shots of the Dumais family cheering on their brood. Yes, it will be nice to see Troy being supported by his family, it sends a nice message to young gay kids that regardless of your sexuality your family will still have your back. But having the entire clan holding up 10 score cards after every dive no matter how badly it sucked? At first, considering Troy’s bulge I thought it was just bragging, but then after seeing his older brother’s massive mound I realized that wasn’t the case. So consider yourself warned.

Color commentators are hired for their familiarity and knowledge of the sport they’ve been hired to call. Most are athletes past their prime. Unfortunately the years of dedication to their sport left little time for mastering common social skills. Even more unfortunately NBC wants them to spend more of their time delving into the personal lives of competitors instead of sticking to what they know. The result is that bimbo they have calling the diving competition during the recent trials finishing up a segment on Chris Colwill overcoming being born deaf with the line, “So all you disabled kids need to get up on that board!” I’m sure the paraplegics were touched by her concerns for their welfare.

But then the Olympics are all about traditions and one of those is commentators participating in the honored sport known as foot in mouth. So cherished is this tradition that English sports commentator David Coleman was awarded the Olympic Order, the highest honor of the Olympic movement, in 2000 for his fifty years of effort and mastery of what have been affectionately dubbed Colemanballs.

Colemanballs occur when the tongue gets in the way of the brain. Some of Coleman’s best Olympic efforts are:

“That’s the fastest time ever run – but it’s not as fast as the world record.”

“He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.”

“A truly international field, with no Britons involved.”

“The Republic of China – back in the Olympic Games for the first time.”

“And the line up for the final of the Women’s 400 meters hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.”

And the one that he owes his fame to, when describing a race involving Cuban double-gold medallist Alberto Juantorena, whose muscular build and nine-foot stride contributed to his nickname El Caballo (the horse): “And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.”

Mr. Coleman did not stand proudly on the podium alone however, his fellow commentators have equally contributed to the Olympic legacy with these bon mots:

Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

Paul Hamm, American Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

Olympic host: “Britain’s last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki.”

Football announcer: “I don’t like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him”

Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them”

Track and Field commentator: “She hasn’t run faster than herself before.”

Swimming commentator: “It’s obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil.”

During the 4×100 medley relay at the Beijing Games, commentator Willie Oviedo got off to a good start with, “Never in the Olympic Games has any mortal, any living being been able to win eight gold medals.” And then promptly lost it adding, “Only Michael Phelps in the Olympic Games of Munich in the year 1972, over there in the Germany of Hitler, where he refused to give him the medals himself back then.”

And though Rugby won’t be an official Olympic sport until the 2016 Games, Sky TV’s rugby man Murray Mexted deserves an honorable mention for his call: “Spencer’s running across field calling out, ‘come inside me, come inside me.’”

Ryan Seacrest has some big shoes to fill during this year’s Olympic coverage. Too bad that rumors say, physically, he doesn’t measure up.

[‘The XXX Games’ are a series of posts about hot Olympians, gay competitors – both present and past – and general articles about the 2012 London Olympics of interest to gay men. So, yeah, lots of hot male eye candy. Click the XXX Games graphic below for additional news, stories, and pictures.]