Dressed to Kill

Gay men are supposed to be the fashionistas of our gender. Though they have not yet pinpointed it, even scientists agree gay men are born with a style gene. It’s what sets us apart from the lesser animals, or straight men as some prefer to call them. Even when we over do it we still get fashion points; straight men can never pull off being flamboyant, it’s expected of the gays.

In past posts I’ve covered those subjects gays are known to excel at (i.e. sex and shopping), and while I can not even begin to fake a working knowledge of show tunes, I have been remiss in not covering fashion. My bad. I’ll make sure to throw that into the mix in the future. At first glance it would appear to be unnecessary, gay men are born with an ingrained sense of style. But your first glance at Thailand’s sex touri and sexpat population will tell you the opposite is true: for some odd reason when gay men head toward equatorial climes, their normal sense of fashion gets waylaid and they take a vacation from discriminating taste. With abandon.

Fashion faux pas for a gay man are a major sin. You really don’t need others laughing at you over your outfit when you undoubtedly already provide them plenty of other reasons to giggle. There is a thin line between being fashionably dressed and being a drag queen anywhere in the world. In Thailand, for gay touri, it’s and even shorter road to the ridiculous.

In the tropical heat it’s best to apply your makeup sparingly.

Knowing what is right and what is horrid is difficult while visiting the Kingdom because normal fashion rules don’t apply. And the known rules of fashion never address topics such as whether it’s better to go with DayGlo or basic black when choosing a G-string bikini for Pattaya’s beach scene. Unfortunately this has allowed numerous misconceptions to be taken as hard and fast fashion rules, when in reality they are fashion dos not fashion don’ts. When it comes to what you should be wearing in Thailand, it’s really a matter of dressing for success. And since success means landing the hottest beach boy or bar boy, the likes and dislikes of commercial sex workers have to be taken into account. To help you help them then, here are the top 10 rules of fashion debunked:

1. Do Not Wear Socks with Sandals:
This is probably the #1 piece of fashion advice you hear. And it should be immediately ignored. For two reasons. First, wearing socks with your open-toed shoes demonstrates to locals that you too can feel the difference between a comfortable 88 degrees and the frigid air when the thermometer drops below 85. Showing a concern for the chill your toes would otherwise experience lets your potential boy toy know that he will not have to attempt to survive an air-conditioned room with a thermostat set at 60 for the ten minutes it takes for him to get you off before he flees to find his next customer for the night.

Second, the average sex touri is around 83-years-old. There is nothing attractive about 80-year-old feet. In fact they are gross. Yellow, curled toe nails are disgusting. Cracked heels that make the Grand Canyon jealous are not attractive. Toe nails that exceed the length of the toe because you are too fat to either notice or to do anything about them are not the thing to convince a boy to head back to your room with you. Socks cover a multitude of sins; you probably are a major sinner, so best to cover those puppies up.

If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em

2. Do Not Wear A G-String at the Beach Unless You Have The Body of an Adonis:
Old men who appear to be naked because their rolls of fat hang down to cover their skimpy bathing suit are a common sight at Pattaya’s beaches. You’d think this is a fashion faux pas so obvious that no one would ever commit such an obvious sin. But sex touri and sex pats are a knowledgable bunch and know there’s a good reason to show off the fat body that they’ve spent a life time developing. In fact, there are several good reasons:

First, it removes any doubt in the boy’s mind of what he is getting into. Second, it removes any doubt in the boy’s mind of just how small what you hope to be getting into him really is. Third, no one like to haggle over prices and displaying your full poundage allows the boy to set his tip fee accordingly.

And finally, moneyboys know it would be impossible for you to manage to put that much weight on unless you have money. Sure sloth, a regular diet of fast-food, and a total disregard or apathy toward self pride all play a role too, but the more affluent you are the more likely it is that you can afford a prodigious stomach. Money boys equate stomach size with wallet size, and since it’s all about cash, it benefits you to show them just how rich you are.

Do your part in helping to keep a poor Thai moneyboy from waking up next to this.

3. Do Not Wear a Fake Rolex:
It’s difficult to shop at a street market in Thailand and not take advantage of the great deals vendors offer on counterfeit watches. Rolexes reign supreme because it is the brand that people who could never afford a decent timepiece recognize. Many will tell you wearing one of these gaudy monstrosities is a no-no. As should your sense of fashion. But moneyboys will zero in on those puppies quicker than John Travolta going down on a male masseur. By wearing a fake Rolex you demonstrate that you have absolutely no sense of value, are easily taken in by bright shiny things, and that you willingly spend your money on stuff that will never do its intended job. This is called hitting pay dirt by Thai moneyboys. They know anyone who over paid for a fake Rolex will also over pay for a fake orgasm. Ka-Ching!

4. Do Not Wear Baggy Pants:
Moneyboys have a limited amount of time to decide if you are a worthy victim customer before you start thrusting your tongue down their throat. First impressions matter. Those baggy shorts perfectly mimic the saggy, wrinkled ass they hide. And moneyboys appreciate honesty. At least in others. Wearing clothing that covers up the disgusting features of your body while alluding to just how gross you look when naked demonstrates that you are a customer who can be trusted. It also demonstrates that you are self-aware, know just how ridiculous you look without clothes on, and will be willing to pay a premium for the boy to have to experience that horror up close and personal.

5. Do Not Wear Flashy Jewelry:
Come on, it’s all about money. Why shouldn’t you be wearing your wallet on your sleeve? Moneyboys are all about scoring big time and nothing says big sucker like an aging queen decked out in tons of gold and diamonds. Go for it. The added benefit is the moneyboy will know he won’t have to hunt through your room for valuables to steal when you go to take a shower. No one likes to work hard to rip off an easy mark.

Don’t worry about how you look in your swimsuit – remember Thais love elephants.

6. Do Not Go Shirtless:
Yes, even on the beach your fellow touri will appreciate that you cover up those pendulous, woman-like breasts. For most, growing a nice set of mannaries is one of life’s jokes on the elderly. You start life out suckling on breasts and end it with a suckable pair regardless of your gender. Hiding your DD cups behind an oversized shirt might be the right advice for the straight sexpats, but for gay men displaying breasts that’d make Dolly Parton jealous can be a good thing.

Most moneyboys are straight. And like all straight men they too have a fondness for tits. Sure they’d prefer they were attached to a vagina, but those Thailand’s moneyboys have already accepted their role in life is to have to deal with dick instead. A nice set of tits can be a good thing, even on a man. With eyes glued to the straight porn on their cell phone they will enjoy fantasizing the breasts they are fondling belong on a woman. Because they do. For this to be an enticing look it is important that you properly manscape your chest. Ya don’t want to be looking like your grandmother.

7. Do Not Wear Mismatched Clothing:
Old fat women mistakenly believe wearing ten different shades of purple counts as matched clothing. Old fat men know better, but tend to go to the opposite extreme. Plaids with stripes, orange matched to purple, the riotous display of pattern and color makes for a billboard hard to miss. So your very first plus in wearing mismatched clothes is that you’ll make it across the street just a bit safer.

There are some things worse than food stains on your shirt.

Yes, you are a bit senile these days and forgot how to put your garanimals together. No problem. Thailand’s moneyboys will love you anyway. They already know you are old, this merely confirms you are myopic too. And that means you’ll never notice the picture they posted on GayRomeo is ten to twenty years out of date, or if you are a fan of Sunee Plaza that the picture on their ID proving they have reached the age of 18 is really of their older brother.

8. Do Not Wear Tank Tops:
Tank tops, sometimes called singlets by those not lucky enough to be born in the U.S., are generally not acceptable wear for a gay man. Colloquially they are called wife beaters and since you will never legally have or be a wife, you shouldn’t be wearing them. But like with many rules of fashion this one does not hold true in Thailand. Wearing a tank top exposes your naked shoulders and shows off that you have enough hair on your body to qualify as three different animal species. Even to a moneyboy whose eyes are firmly fixed on your wallet, back hair is unsightly. Okay, it’s gross. Showing that pelt off gives moneyboys the chance to flee before your eyes land on them. Yes, there are somethings so disgusting that even a Thai moneyboy won’t put up with it. Nor should he have to.

9. Do Not Wear Stained or Soiled Clothes:
Sure cleanliness is next to godliness. But since there is nothing holy about what you will be doing in Pattaya, there’s no good reason to pay attention to this rule of fashion. Nothing warms the cockle of a moneyboy’s heart like the potential of a multiple day off. Nothing instills a greater sense of fear in a moneyboys heart like the idea of having to spend several days catering to the whims of an old, fat farang. It’s not the disgusting sex that causes so much revulsion, but rather that he’ll have to eat the gross food farang deem tasty. Most moneyboys have sex with people that disgust them just to put food in their stomach. At the least they’d like that food to be edible. Food stains on your shirt demonstrate what types of food you enjoy eating; moneyboys can use those stains as a menu, a sign of what they can expect to have for dinner, lunch, and breakfast if they agree to spend time with you.

Scottish Queen

What you wear at home may not be appropriate to wear in Thailand.

10. Do Not Wear Parachute Pants:
Parachute pants, or fisherman pants, are a fashion staple in Thailand. At least on Khaosan road. Elsewhere, not so much. The benefit of wearing wraparound pants made from cotton is that they immediately proclaim that you are a true bottom. Moneyboys are straight and would prefer not dealing with anal sex. If forced to, the little blue pill will help them rise to the occasion. Giving it up to dick, however, is never in their plans. Knowing from the get go that they are dealing with a bottom alleviates that concern and ensures they know who will be getting fucked. The added bonus is they know if you are that big of a queen that you think you look good in parachute pants, then you are so out of touch with reality that they’ll also be able to fuck you out of some major baht.

They say that clothing makes the man, but then since you probably really aren’t, it doesn’t matter what you wear. More importantly, it is what is on the inside not what you wear on the outside that counts. And Thailand’s moneyboys know that what is inside you is a lonely soul willing to spend thousands of dollars to travel half way around the globe just to get laid. As long as you have a good heart and cough up plenty of baht they’ll forgive you for your complete lack of taste in clothing.

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