I don’t believe it has anything to do with me being a gay man, but guys have much hotter butts than women do. Percentage-wise. All butts have their fans – which just goes to show you how sick some people really are – but the ideal butt, the butt that everyone can agree is a thing of beauty regardless of personal taste (and I’m talking figuratively here) is more likely to belong to a guy than to a woman. A guy can achieve Grade A ass status in his late teens and still be packing primo back well into his thirties and forties. Women have, at best, about a three year window. Then it’s all downhill. I think that’s why women are into shoes. Not realizing that a guy doesn’t care what they have on their feet, they think those Manolo’s will keep his eye from straying upward and noticing the monstrosity that follows them where ever they go.

An unattractive butt on a guy can be overlooked. An unattractive butt on a women is hard to wash from your mind. I don’t know if it’s that cellulite thingy or what, but far too many female butts are the size of Godzilla. And when I spot one, hopefully not right after a meal, the same thought always pops into my mind: “How in the hell do they get that thing situated onto a toilet seat?” It’s gotta be like aiming through a straw. The two pigs fighting in a gunny sack phenomenon occurs far too often in female ass, and it doesn’t help that so many of those inflicted wear skin tight pants to highlight one of their most disgusting features. When your ass is wider than your shoulders it is not something you should be flaunting.

But straight men have been pussy whipped to the point where they will never be truthful when asked, “Honey does this dress make my ass look fat?” ‘No’ is never the right answer. ‘I can’t tell because your ass is blocking my view’ is a more honest reply. Instead they lie and the rest of us have to suffer. Instead, the small percentage of unacceptable male ass gets all the press. Plumber’s crack, as it is affectionately known around the globe, is what everybody laughs at.

But thanks to Berlin ad agency Scholz & Friends, plumber’s crack as a joke is a thing of the past. They designed a series of T-shirts for their client Das Handwerk, a German handcraft company union, that turns that dreaded fashion faux pas into a lusty picture of male cleavage that causes even straight blue collar workers to stop and check out their buddy’s ass.

Playing up the role of the male intergluteal cleft as the basis for a bodacious set of tatas, the back of the shirts feature a busty woman in dire need of a bust until slipped on by said plumber’s crack sufferer. Now the next time your mechanic bends over to check the air in your car’s tires and you forget to not look, you’ll only be mildly repulsed instead of totally grossed out.

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