Though we are still far away from the day, at some point in the not too distant future, same-sex marriage will be a reality all over the world. Islamic countries may take longer, but for most of the developed world the change is rapidly spreading. The idea of two guys who are in love and want to make a formal commitment to each other through a recognized ceremony still bothers a lot of people. They’ll get over it. Jim and Steve, the cute gay couple who just moved in down the street are going to become a pretty normal occurrence in many breeder’s lives. Puritanical America may be one of the last western countries to hold out. But even here the majority of those polled support the right of gay people to marry.

From an equality standpoint making same sex marriage legal is a good thing. From a practical one, not so much. It’s not that I am one of those who profess that man was meant to sow his seed and is therefore unsuitable for a committed relationship. Love conquers all. Or at least love and laziness do. My concern is perhaps more parochial. Today we do not have that institution hanging over our heads when we go out on a date. Gay guys, unlike lesbians, are not looking for a lifetime commitment before dessert is served. Gay guys are only interested in what comes after dessert. And then being able to head home and sleep it off.

For years friends familiar with my travel habits to SE Asia have asked when – not if – I plan on moving to Thailand. That’s an easy question to answer: Never. I like living in the USA. And I love visiting Thailand. I love that when I visit Thailand I’m on holiday. I’m free to do what I want, when I want, and as little or as much as I want. I can stay in the middle of Bangkok, close to those places I frequent. The majority of the Thais I deal with are in the service industry, are used to odd westerner behaviors, and speak passable English. And I have no need, other than out of curiosity, to figure how the country works. Better yet, I have no need to figure out how to survive amidst a country that works in unfathomable ways. The expat life is not for me. I’m happy with my life; the grass is not greener in Thailand. And while I have a preference for Asian guys a decade or two younger than me, I could get my fill just as easily at home. If I needed to. Fortunately I don’t.

That question has almost become a thing of the past. Most of my friends have taken their turn asking, and received an emphatic answer that put an end to that silly idea. Pronto. But those same friends either know of or have met Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life. And with the specter of same sex marriage looming, now they want to know when – not if – I plan on marrying him.

Yikes!

I actually like Noom. So why in the hell would I do that to him?

I hope to know Noom for years. I hope to still be friends when he is old, when his muscles have withered, when his buns of steel have become fatty deposits that hang at knee level. Because then I can laugh at him and go off a young hot muscle hunk from the closest bar. Kidding. Partially. ‘When I old, when I fat’ is a topic he’s brought up often in the past, less so since I inadvertently promised to love him for life. But I never promised to marry him. Nor has he ever brought up that subject. Straight guys, which he considers himself to be, don’t marry other guys. But then I have to wonder if that’s an opinion that will change when same sex marriage becomes commonplace. To a bar boy, that has got to be the ultimate brass ring. A rich farang legally bound to you, and an accompanying ticket to his home country.

It’s always surprised me how many guys I know who are married to Thai women. A few are even happy. None married a bar girl, they were all too smart for that. When they decided to get a wife, they went looking for upper class women. But still lower class enough that marrying an American was considered a prize. Regardless of how small of a prize the man they found to marry was. They come to the U.S., never quite assimilate, send big bucks home every month, and miss their friends, family, and country. Terribly. And the guys they marry start missing Thailand too. Invariably the come up with some excuse to go back for a quick trip while the wife stays at home. Because all they can think of is the fun they used to have on Soi Cowboy.

I can’t help but think when same sex marriage is a fact of life how disastrously it will impact the gay gogo bar scene in Thailand. Even the most jaded bar girl still dreams of the rich Westerner she’ll meet, a customer who will fall in love with her, marry her, and devote the rest of his life to taking care of her and her family. Bar boys already have a bit of that in them. They just don’t have the legal marriage part to add to their dreams. At least not yet. Once same sex marriage is an acceptable part of life, I think their attitude will change too. The ‘boyfriend’ they all seek now will instead become a hunt for a husband. That ratchets up the chase by a few notches. And it’s gonna take a lot of worry-free fun out of offing bar boys.

Customers too have their fantasies. On the straight side, they envision finding a young Thai hottie at least half their age who they can marry and who will be subservient as all good Asian women are. No one likes to ruin their fantasy with fact, so they ignore all the warnings. Still, you’d think they’d at least ask an Asian about that subservient thing. That’d be an eye-opener for many. So far, gay guys have lucked out. They still fall in love. They still fantasize about spending their life with a hottie half their age. But most could never pull off bringing a Thai bar boy home. Even those countries that allow for it have erected a set of hurdles that results in a bloody nose rather than a successful immigration. But when marriage is a legal possibility, when most countries recognize a marriage between two men, that too will change. And I don’t know if that will be a good thing.

I recently read an article comparing the divorce rate between gay and straight couples in the U.K. Gays get divorced about half as much as their breeder counterparts. And it’s an even lower rate when you consider just guys (leave it to the lesbians to screw things up). A similar study done last year in the U.S. found the same. Gay guys who do decide to tie the knot tend to stick to their commitment much better than straight guys do. So while the chase may change, perhaps we’re a bit too intelligent to fall easily into the marriage trap. Unless we are serious about it. It will be interesting to see how many farang actually end up marrying their Thai boyfriends. I have a feeling many more will make promises that they don’t intend to keep.

Noom is no more a fan of marriage than I am. He is, or was, married. I don’t know how official that union was. It could have been nothing more than a string tied around the happy couple’s wrist. He no longer lives with the wife, and in Thailand that’s considered a divorce. Fortunately, when he decided to drop that little bomb on me I was sober enough to catch the smart ass comment I was naturally inclined to make before I made it. Fortunately, I quickly caught that the information he was sharing was a big step in his opinion. Fortunately, he thought enough of me and of our relationship that he felt it necessary to come clean. And fortunately, I’ve never had to meet her.

But then once the cat was out of the bag, I couldn’t but help ask about his plans for wife #2. “Never!” he replied quite emphatically. And then in case I missed how he felt about the subject, with as much derision as he could muster, he added, ”Women just want my money.”

Love and money is an age-old balancing act. Clearly, Noom falls on the side of cash. It’s good to know he has his priorities straight. But a bit sad too that he holds no hope for a future shared with a spouse. I would hope that at some point he would find someone he loves, someone he can share his life with, someone he can grow old with. But then since he plans on having me around for his old age, maybe that isn’t as important.

I’d love to ask Noom sometime how he feels about gay marriage. But I don’t know if that is really a safe subject to bring up. His little mind starts churning away when I mention something like that out of the blue. He immediately starts trying to figure out why I’m asking. And in this case, he might come to the wrong conclusion. If I’m not careful, I may find I’m making another unintended promise. And I don’t look good dressed in white.

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