It seems ironic that 100 years ago this week the famous and much loved Oreo Cookie made its debut, and 100 years later our nation’s politicians are still debating the morality of contraceptives. We all know that fat chicks who eat Oreos don’t need birth control pills, but for three weeks now – while the economies of the world still teeter on the brink of collapse – the burning issue in America is whether or not we should pay for birth control for our country’s sluts. If birth control pills were readably available, how in the world do you expect there to be an ample supply of crack whores in the future? Think of our children!
I recently read somewhere that President Obama’s people purposely throw out this type of red herring issue knowing the right-wing nutcases won’t be able to control themselves; they’ll spend weeks debating a bogus issue rather than concentrating on those that really matter to the American people. I laughed at the idea at the time. But now . . .
Twenty or so debates into the Republican primaries and no one knows anything more about any of the candidates than we did before. Not that that is a bad thing. But who you should vote for, and what that person stands for is supposed to be what those debates are about. I think a more telling factor than the debates and those fun-loving negative campaign ads we’ve seen so far would be to look at the manner in which each candidate eats an Oreo cookie. Because we all know the way you eat an Oreo defines the type of person you are.
President Obama is pretty cool. At least compared to other national candidates. His inner child probably wants to separate an Oreo and lick the creamy filling first. But Barack is all about consensus and bipartisanship, so I’m sure he keeps the cookie and filling pressed firmly together as he savors each bite. The result, much like his presidency so far, is not very satisfying but it gets the job done.
Mitt for Brains, on the other hand, follows Burger King’s advertising slogan when it comes to eating Oreos: Have it your way. You just need to tell him what that way is. Whatever the latest polls show as the most popular way to eat an Oreo, that’s gonna be Mitt’s favorite munching technique du jour. But he will be quick to point out that the manner in which he ate Oreos while governor of Massachusetts is not reflective of the manner in which he will eat Oreos during his presidency.
Rick Santorum has a problem with Oreos. He doesn’t believe anyone should be allowed to eat them for the pleasure of doing so alone. And strongly suspects people who eat Oreos are snobs.
You know when the entire bag of Oreos disappears, The Newt has been in your kitchen. The only telling thing about how Newt eats Oreos is that you know if he pulls one out that a piece has broken off of, he discards it for a newer, fresher, more attractive cookie.
And Ron Paul doesn’t believe it is the duty of the creamy filling to support the lazy chocolate cookie wafers. As a doctor he’d like to warn you about the dangers of clogged arteries from eating fatty foods, but then the formaldehyde thingy has been working pretty well for him so far, so . . .
As for the non-official candidates whose names keep cropping up anyway, Sarah Palin eats half an Oreo and then quits, Chris Christie never met a case of Oreos he didn’t like, and Herman Cain just wishes everyone would stop calling him an Oreo.
Ever since the first Oreo sandwich cookie was sold to a grocer in Hoboken, NJ, it’s been the world’s favorite with 491 billion sold since its creation. Oreos are ‘America’s favorite cookie’ and are considered to be the best selling cookies of the 20th century. It’s not that the little pair of decoratively embossed chocolate biscuits surrounding a delicious fluffy cream center is so tasty as it is that the damn things are so fun to eat. They bring the inner child out in all of us, and paired with an ice-cold glass of milk bring a smile to even the grumpiest person’s face.
And it’s not just the strategy used by politicians in eating Oreos that provides personality insights. Your favorite way to eat an Oreo is quite telling too. Here are ten of the most commonly preferred ways to eat an Oreo cookie and what they say about you:
1. I like to pop the entire Oreo into my mouth:
A fondness for sweets is not a sin. Greed and gluttony both are. And in most circles, talking with your mouth full comes damn close. There is a good reason why so many of your acquaintances call you piggy. And why you have acquaintances instead of friends.
You’re probably not very bright either. Your classmates in kindergarten figured out your Oreo eating preference early on. Then they’d wait for you to stuff your mouth and take a drink of milk to wash it down before making a fart joke, knowing you’d soon be spitting milk and cookie crumbs out of your nose. If this still happens to you in the business world, you might want to get a clue.
You’re the person who takes up two parking stalls at the grocery store, and carries the entire platter of chicken wings to your table at a buffet. The rest of us would be tired of your act, but we know you’re gonna be going the way of Mama Cass one day soon, so we let it slide. Happy eating.
2. I like eating an Oreo slowly, one bite at a time:
Like the other 5.4 billion people who eat their Oreos this way, you lack imagination and are a bit of a bore. Nah, let’s be honest: you could put a perv at a porn convention to sleep. A risk taker you’re not. Those hand-sanitizing stations popping up at the entrance to grocery stores were invented for people like you. Not that you realize it, but those are for use by the rest of us, afraid whatever it is you have may be contagious.
You’re the guy all the girls wanted to be friends with in college, and if you are still under 35 you probably have yet to find someone to steal your virginity. None of your friends will tell you but here’s a news flash: you do not need to wear a condom while masturbating.
On the plus side, you are stable and reliable; you are life’s designated driver. You probably get invited to a lot of parties because everyone knows you will see to keeping the potato chip bowl filled. Women consider you a good catch because they know when they divorce you they’ll get their alimony checks on time.
3. I like to take small quick bites like a mouse nibbling on cheese:
You call it being energetic, the rest of the world considers it an early form of Parkinson’s. You remind people of Lewis Black on crack. Prozac was invented for people like you. And Valium was invented for those of us who have to deal with people like you. And speaking of drugs, you have a propensity towards narcotic addiction, and suicide is considered an appropriate career choice in your family.
But it’s all good. Thanks to you the world is able to differentiate between a sociopath, a psychopath, and a manic-depressive.
4. I like to dunk my Oreos in milk:
Speaking of psychopaths . . . The rest of us learned at an early age not to play with our food. We also learned not to start fires, torture small animals, or wet the bed. People probably often say you are imaginative, and then quickly shudder at the thoughts that incites. Oh, and we all get what you are implying when you call the creamy middle of an Oreo ‘stuff’, so you can quit wiggling your
Thank the gods for the internet though. It gives you a life and keeps you away from small children. And congrats on your One Million Moms membership too, dude.
5. I twist the cookie apart, lick the inside cream off, and then eat the chocolate wafers:
It’s not by happenstance that for you step one is twisted. Because so is your soul. But don’t fret, that tongue action makes you a very popular person. At least for one night stands. Marriage, on the other hand is out of the question. No one wants to breed with you in fear of passing along your deviant genes to future generations.
Career-wise you either work for the IRS or for the penal system. Making license plates. When the FBI finds those bodies of small children buried in your backyard, none of your neighbors will act surprised.
Curious by nature, you like to pull things apart to see how they work. BTW, figured out that fly’s wings thingy yet? You tend to temper your creativity with caution. In the behavioral sciences you are known as a Organized Offender. Lying comes naturally to you, and I’d hate to see what happens to the Oreo whose creamy filling doesn’t come off in one clean lick.
6. I like twisting the Oreo apart, eating the creamy inside, and then throwing the chocolate wafers away:
To you, Mitt Romney is a god. And you’re still trying to figure out what was wrong with Rick Perry owning a ranch called Niggerhead. I’m not saying you might be a racist. I’m saying you are a racist. But that’s understandable. The only black people you’ve ever met are those on the other side of the glass when you won a viewing spot at a State-mandated execution. Thank god you live in the land of the free, huh?
I feel for you that on the day you’d driven two hours to get Rush Limbaugh’s autograph he was AWOL having made a quick cross border run for some Oxies. But I’m sure that picture of you and Bernie Madoff on your trophy wall makes up for it.
If you had any pride, you’d be ashamed of yourself. And you’d quit listening to Toby Keith CDs. A Christmas Carol is your favorite, heart-warming story. But you’ve never finished reading it, stopping once the ghosts start appearing.
On the plus side, you are probably a successful businessman and your money vacations on small offshore islands. And while it might bother you that throwing the chocolate wafers of your Oreo away could be wasteful, in your heart you know your illegal housekeeper will dig them out and send them back to Guatemala to feed her family. And that’s the circle of life: future generations of the world’s poor to see to the needs of your children, their children, and their children’s children. See? It really is all about giving.
7. I just eat the chocolate wafers, not the creamy inside:
Sorry to tell you this but you are wrong: everyone does not enjoy a martyr. Victims, however, are popular wherever they go. And that is exactly what people mean when they say you have a magnetic personality. Your family has been breeding spousal abuse participants for generations, and Daddy always gets to go first.
You probably drive a Prius and load up on organic zucchini at your local farmer’s market. Monks are less lugubrious than you are. BTW, when you point your finger and say, ”Bad Cookie!” where we can hear you, it worries us. Please stop.
8. I likes ‘em Deep-Fried:
Ah! An American from one of the southern states! No worries, I’ll spell this out for you slowly, using small words. You. Are. A. Fat. Brain-dead. Idiot. Or one of the Bushes who hasn’t been president yet. You’re what the rest of the country calls a Texan. So it’s like this Bubba: fat is not one of the approved food groups. And just because something comes on a stick does not mean it’s a gastronomical treat. I know that you think people who pay attention to the three second rule when an Oreo drops on the ground are pussies, but then the rest of us don’t have a mother who in one of her crazy moments likes to graze out in the back forty either. Sorry. Grandmother.
BTW, regardless of family tradition, even in the South it is no longer considered acceptable to marry your sister. Have sex with her, breed her, sure. But stand up in front of a preacher who’s playing with snakes? It’s 2012, you need to get with the times. Oh, sorry: that’s ‘ it’s 2, zera, 1, 2.’ Go ahead, you can use your fingers.
9. I scrape the creamy middle out of one Oreo, add it to the creamy middle of another, and throw the useless chocolate wafers back into the bag:
Yup, I know. People have been telling me that’s the same as a double stuff Oreos for years too. But they miss the part about leaving creamless cookies for others to bitch about. They call it gross, we call it sharing. Or recycling.
Besides, it’s not like you licked the wafers before putting them back in the bag. Okay . . . so it’s not like anyone saw you licking the wafers before you put them back in the bag.
10. How I eat an Oreo doesn’t matter as long as Nabisco keeps coming out with new flavors:
Ah, bless you. You are the reason Starbucks is a success. And are the consumer Krispy Kreme had in mind when they came up with the mid-boggling idea of offering donuts that were . . . freshly baked! Cool how they replaced Pavlov’s bell with a red light though wasn’t it?
It is thanks to your sharp sense of being in tune with what is hot and popular that Nabisco has been able to repackage Oreos that were past their sell-by date as a new flavor. The good news is that Saint Patrick’s Day is next week. And ya know what that means!!!!