Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, is not getting any younger. In my opinion, he’s aging like a fine wine. In his, the days of not making money strutting his stuff on stage are coming much too quickly. His future, an English word he only knows because he used to work at a bar of that name, worries him. And what worries Noom, worries me.
In the U.S., we are raised on the belief that we can become anything we want. For the most part, if you work hard with a goal in mind that is true. I think it is a good confidence builder to teach kids to dream big. But then when half the girls in second grade writing their ‘when I grow up I want to be . . .’ essay want to be a princess, maybe we need to rethink the wisdom of that kind of encouragement. Spending your formative years with visions of a royal future dancing in your head when most of those dreamers will instead get knocked up by the age of 14 and never finish high school just seems unnecessarily cruel. On the other hand, most of those little kids dreaming about becoming a princess who are boys will in fact grown up to be a queen. So there is that.
In Thailand it is a different story. Thai kids are not taught they can grow up to be whatever they desire. The social strata of the nation doesn’t not allow for it. In Thailand there really are princesses, and no little farmer’s child mistakenly dreams about rising to that position. Like their counterparts in the U.S. though, the boys with those dreams stand a good chance of seeing their fantasy become a reality. It just takes enough baht for the operation.
I doubt there are many Thai kids who dream about the day they’ll make a living servicing the little American boys who grew up to be queens though. They may have high hopes for the kind of money that job brings, but the reality of what they’ll have to do to earn it undoubtedly never enters the picture. Lots has been written about why a guy, presumably straight, would decide to make his living as a bar boy. Most filter those reasons through a Westerner’s perspective and get it wrong. Regardless of the reason, once in the business the lure of easy money is too great to consider getting a regular job instead. Even if the ‘easy’ really isn’t.
There is lots of money to be made as a bar boy. But like a career as a pro athlete, you need to make it quick, and put some away for your future. Bar boy careers are short ones. It isn’t long before you find you are too old to land customers anymore. In Pattaya, that can come as early as age 21. Hell, in Pattaya that can come as early as age 18.
Noom has had a good run. He has been successful at his ‘bidness’. He still looks decades younger than he is and scores any customer who is into muscle that walks into his bar. He is proud of the body he has worked so hard to build, and dreams of finding a sponsor to enable him to enter body building contests. In his mind, the hurdle is finding someone to lay out the cash for his training and upkeep. The win on stage is a given. His confidence in himself is one of the things I find attractive about Noom. His gold medal worthy body, of course, is another.
It was not coincidental then that when he realized he’d have to enter in the seniors division that he also realized age was creeping up on him. Watching one of his cute little bar mates who barely looks legal scoring customers nightly tends to bring home the point that in the not too distant future, Noom’s days as a bar boy will be over. Some bar boys remain in the industry when they can no longer make it on stage, becoming mamasans, waiters, captains, or filling some other job at the bars. None of those positions pay the kind of money Noom has become accustomed to making. So he has begun considering alternative careers for his old age.
A few years ago he thought he’d like to be a tour guide. Noom embraces any idea that pops into his head wholeheartedly. He’d barely got the thought out of his mouth before he went into full future tour-guide mode. For the most part of that year, anywhere we’d go Noom would get busy making contacts and cutting deals. Where normally I’d get an, ‘up to you’ in reply to asking what he wanted to do, all of a sudden he’d have a list of places he needed to visit so he’d be familiar with the spot for his future tour guide business. By the next year, that idea had been dropped. He’d thought it over and decided tour guides, thanks to the internet and apps, would become a thing of the past.
For a short time he thought he’d like to become a chef. I’m not sure where that one came from. I assumed it was because he enjoyed cooking, and as encouragement suggested we hit the supermarket for ingredients and then he could cook dinner one night. Turned out his cooking skills are limited to knowing which buttons to hit on a microwave. Figuring out what the raw ingredients of a dish even looked like at the supermarket was a talent he’d not yet mastered. It had not been my intention, but the idea of a home-cooked meal killed Noom’s dream of becoming Bangkok’s next top chef.
The first time Noom brought up the idea of going to University, I failed to show my usual enthusiasm for his life plan. School tuition is a common scam among bar boys. And as much as I hate myself for being suspicious, I still am. But we talked the idea over, and even visited the school he wanted to go to. On my next visit, Noom was still gung-ho on the education idea. And had more details.
One of the barriers to a college degree was that he had not finished high school. In the few months between my visits, he’d found someone who for a hefty hunk of cash would give him the equivalent of a GED certificate. Without any of the knowledge that normally comes with it. I thought my reaction was simply noncommittal. But I guess he figured out what I really thought about that idea and quickly dropped it. His idea of going to school started sounding more like a pipe dream and, slightly disappointed, I figured he’d have a new grand scheme for his future by the next time I hit town.
So I was a bit surprised on my next visit when early one morning at the start of the trip I got one of Noom’s infamous morning greetings of, “Come. We go.” That always signals a Grand Purpose. It usually also signals my wallet is about to be depleted. This time around it signalled a trip to the university and meeting two teachers. Whose English was advanced enough to explain Noom’s newest plans for his education and his future. My boy is smart. He left it to the professionals to outline what he needed. Noom’s sole contribution to the discussions were a series of nods accompanied by a yes, his agreement with whatever his prospective teachers were telling me.
One of the multitude benefits of being a gay man is that you get to avoid all of the hassles and expenses of rearing a child. Unless you are a gay celebrity on the path to coming out or recently open about your sexuality. I’m not sure when being gay and famous started meaning being a dad too, but something tells me that interest in fatherhood has about as much depth to it as Paris Hilton’s interest in dog ownership. I think – I hope – those kids stand a better chance at a bright future than Paris’ dog. Who ended up at the pound. I’ve never wanted children. Nor do I like guys so young that a relationship would be not much different than fatherhood. But that’s one of the things about Thailand that you have to appreciate. The country just knows how to fuck with you.
The upshot of our visit to the university was a dual curriculum that would start Noom on his college degree while he finished off his high school studies. While there was no question about his desire to do so, I did question his continued commitment to the idea. His education plans would require a lot of hours and a lot of effort on his part. And his job at the bar doesn’t really support the hours and schedule going to school require. The financial end of the deal was surprisingly cheap. And no longer involved under-the-table payments for bogus degrees.
I spent the rest of that trip grilling Noom about the details. He spent the rest of the trip hustling me from one shopping mall to the next so he could pick out his official ‘I study’ uniform. Whatever I was going to decide, Noom already considered it a done deal.
And it was. But not quite the deal he’d thought it would be. There is a lot of wisdom in that old proverb about the difference between giving and teaching a man to fish. Rather than pay his tuition for him, I agreed to a 2 to 1 match on any funds he could come up with. That wasn’t quite what Noom had in mind. I think, however, he understood the difference between assistance and subsidization. And after playing ATM roulette – an enjoyable pastime he indulges in often, moving money from one bank to another just for the sake of doing so – he came up with his portion and we went to his new school and paid for his upcoming semester.
Surprisingly, He’s stuck with it. Last year he earned his GED diploma and is now only having to deal with his university classes. It’s a good thing he has quite a way to go yet. Noom keeps changing ideas on exactly what he wants to be and what it is that he’s going to school to achieve. No problemo. That he’s willing to put the time, money, and effort into it speaks volumes. And I’ve made a point to not mention the girl working the registration counter at whatever hotel we’re checking into earns minimum wage thanks to her college degree. Whether you are in second grade or attending university, the fantasy about what you are going to be when you grow up is just as important.
My involvement in paying for part of his education expenses does not cost me much. My involvement with Noom’s life does. To celebrate his new found status as a high school graduate last year, I suggested we go out to dinner. Noom likes nice restaurants, so I asked where he’d like to go to honor his achievement.
“Family,” was his answer, and not the one I’d expected.
I’ve met one of Noom’s brother, and have an ongoing mutually beneficial relationship with his sister-in-law. She makes a killer mango/chilli barbecue sauce and always has a batch for me to take home. And I have enough mangos delivered to her to stock her needs for several months. His papa, however, I’ve been careful to avoid having to meet. He lives far enough outside Bangkok I’ve been able to avoid the opportunity of meeting him, close enough I’ve had to be careful of not suggesting a trip in that direction. Unfortunately for my plans, papa was in town. The celebratory dinner I suggested turned into a gathering of the clan instead.
We loaded up on cases of cheap local beer, picked up a carton of smokes, and headed off to his brother’s place, a barely above hovel residence tucked away in the maze of small sois and too small to be called a soi alleys that lead brave touri to the Royal Barges Museum over by Khaosan Road. A farang bearing gifts is always a welcome sight in the neighborhood. Especially when it’s a few cases of beer. And the entire neighborhood joined in on the festivities. Many neighbors, thanks to Noom and his attempt at inclusion, learned their first word of English that night too.
Meeting Papa was not as uncomfortable as I’d pictured. We’re close to being contemporaries in age so I didn’t have to deal with the ‘to wai or not to wai’ question. And whatever the story is about who I am and how I fit into Noom’s life had evidently been settled long ago. Noom does not always share the ‘why’ of something he needs to do with me, and presents the ‘what’ instead. So it was with meeting his father. Papa does not speak English. But after our initial greeting, he spoke to me quite earnestly and for quite a while. I smiled, and then nodded when he was done, having caught less than 5% of what he had to say.
Then Noom translated for me. Normally, Noom’s translation of Thai to English still requires translation. This time, though more abbreviated, he managed to get the gist of his papa’s speech across.
“He tell you thank you,” Noom explained. “He say he can not pay school for bruddahs. He happy I go and say thank you.”
To Noom, the party wasn’t about celebrating his achievement, it was about giving his papa the opportunity to express his gratitude to me for helping one of his children. And it wasn’t that Noom thought I needed to hear it so much as it was his father having a need to express it. I was touched. But still, all I did was cough up some cash. Noom put in money too, and a lot of effort. I tried to set the record straight.
“Tell him thank you for me. But that it was your hard work and time, and part of your money too,” I told Noom.
“Yes,” he replied not agreeing with me. “Not thank you for money. For you help me.”
Guess I got a little schooling myself. I realized to Noom it wasn’t about the money, it was my willingness to invest in his future that mattered; that my encouragement and interest in seeing him better himself counted for more, or at least as much, as the financial backing.
Noom still has many hours in the classroom before graduation. Beyond school, his future is still hazy. For now, the goal, his vision, is finishing school and getting his diploma. He talks often about the graduation ceremony and getting to wear a cap and gown. And though it is not a time of the year I normally visit Thailand, Noom has already, more than once, made it clear that he expects me to be there. I know part of that is he wants me to share in his celebration. As important, he knows I’ll get him the largest one of those tacky baskets filled with stuffed animals that I can find. You can’t argue with a future that includes large plush toys no matter what your age is.
tim said:
these are by far your most enjoyable posts to read .. and also often leave me with a tear in my eye .. so thanks for them .. bastard .. im a real man i DONT cry .. well not that often anyhow !!..
somehow i get the feeling that altho noom has no idea what so ever as to what he wants to do as he gets older .. i think whatever he does he will make a success at it ..
thanks again for the posts … they are the highlight of my blog reading week ..
talking of which … with your writing skills .. and nooms wonderful wit .. how about some sort of news letter / weekly gay paper ?? im sure between the two of you it would be a great and for a few baht would sell well in the bars of silom and afar !!!
Bangkokbois said:
It was the large gift basket filled with plush toys that did it, right?
I knew I shoulda left that out . . .
I get the feeling the other posts are just filler between Noom posts. I’m sure he’d agree. Haven’t the foggiest what he will end up doing/being, but I think you are right Tim, whatever it is he will be a success.
tim said:
by the way pepsi boy is by far the hottest hottie you have yet to post on here … if i got one of them everytime i put a dollar in a coke macine i’d have no teeth left by now … slurrrrpppp
Jim said:
Powerful narrative and well written
Bangkokbois said:
Mahalos Jim, and thanks for taking the time to comment.
Eduard said:
An entertaining read. Very amusing in parts. You’re a good storyteller. Keep it up!
Bangkokbois said:
Thank you Eduard, glad you enjoyed it.
bebot q. gomez said:
I am deeply touched by your narratve. Noom is a jewel in his world. I have seen oh-so-many aging barbois still working at Tawan in some of my visits and my heart goes to them for not having moved on.
Your concern and full support for the welfare of Noom’s future is already an assurance that he will eventually succeed in whatever undertaking he might so decide. Meeting the parents now classifies you as a member of their extended family.
Praying for you and Noom.
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks B. I’m proud Noom is thinking about his future and taking steps to provide for it. Before he becomes one of those desperate guys you see who should have left the stage a few years ago. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Al said:
Great story, eloquently delivered.
Sad fact of life most Thai males are basically lazy. Most have little or no responsibility over money even when they have it. Perhaps I sound harsh but I believe this is accurate.
If there is an easy was to make a dollar they’ll be in it. Even bend over backwards for it!
Too old at 18 in Pattaya, I think you are being generous there. From the sleaze buckets I’ve seen in Pattaya I would have placed that figure much lower but one has to maitain decorum. (This also happens in BKK but not nearly as prolific)
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Al. I hate to make generalizations about groups of people when I’m being serious (if I’m joking, that’s what they are there for) but you’re right, too many Thais live for the day and think nothing about tomorrow. Shame, but hat is the attitude you see time and time again.
Glenn said:
There are plenty of lazy American guys too. And there are lots of hardworking Thais as well.
I think a lot of the “live for today” attitude is cultural though. And when you have a whole society that is so superstitious and that believes in fate there doesn’t seem to be much incentive to do anything beyond living for the moment since fate has already decided what will happen to you no matter how much money you may sock away. Then throw in the whole “sanook” thing, and you don’t exactly have a lot of societal role models for doing a lot of hard work. Plus Thailand was a feudal agrarian society for a long time, and parts of the country remain that way. Toss in the relatively stratified, stagnant, class-based system in place and there’s not too much in the way of striving to achieve in order to move out of your current class to a higher one.
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Glenn. Valid points. Interesting the difference in causation for the laziness in different cultures. In America, it is often due to a sense of entitlement. A rosy future is part of your heritage, it’s owed, so why work for it? In Thailand, it’s the exact opposite. You are not suppose to rise above your station so why would you? That sanook thingy doesn’t help, either.
I’m in the process of writing a post on the subject, but your comment is such a perfect example I need to mention it now. Writing this blog has opened me to a whole new breed of Thailand lovers. Intelligent, experienced, positive, and genuine . . . it’s a demographic totally different than those who routinely post on the message boards. Newbies tend to find the forums first and walk away with a distorted idea of what the Thailand experience can be. Even those of us with experience become more jaded than we should allow ourselves to become. So thanks for your comments – and ditto to the majority of those who comment here.
tim said:
i do not agree with any of al’s statements .. unless he has his angles wrong … as we all know for a fact most thais would in fact bend over forward to make a baht !!
as for the pattaya thingy from my view of it , i think most of the people iver seen there with thai boy in tow all seem to be on the legal side !! of course you see the animals with those that should be in bed asleep and not walking the streets after 9pm . id be more than happy to see these people put down as im sure most would ..
Bangkokbois said:
Geeze, you Pattaya fans are sooooooo touchy!
🙂
I rag on Pattaya because of the under-age thing. I hear it is getting better, but it is still far to prevalent. And accepted. That’s the part that earns my disgust. Too many within that community accept underage molestation even if they are not actively involved.
tim said:
i dont accept it .. id be happy to run the dirty fuckers over .. just saying ive not seen it .. then again ive not spent that much time there .. i also have no wish to see it ..
if 18 isnt young enough then there are some very sick people about … and i know there are .. but best not to tar everyone with the same brush ..
Bangkokbois said:
I’ve only been once, which was too much. Mmmmmmm, gonna guess 5 years or so ago. I saw it often enough in two nights that I left and went back to Bangkok early. If you think it is not still going on, drop by GB’s board sometime and have a read.
tim said:
im not saying it dont go on .. i know it does .. but i enjoy going there and having fun with legal aged guys .. i like the sea side as opposed to city living … i live in a city 40 odd weeks of the year i dont want to spend the rest of my year in other ones .. maybe i just dont go into the places where it goes on .. having read a few of the boards i know where to avoid i guess … i often read gb’s board .. lord knows why its like the last rites over and over !! .. still pop into sawadee from time to time too … good to see beachy back .. and seeming to be getting more and more confused !! what a strange lady that one is ..
Bangkokbois said:
Why do guys who defend going to Pattaya always sound like guys defending their love for liver and onions?
🙂
Yes, the Bitch is back and having a hell of a time trying to keep his stories straight!
tim said:
i go for the sea side and ice cream … nothing more nothing less 🙂 im pure … i knew after the first post it was time to leave it .. but i didnt oops still thats it no more …
🙂
Bangkokbois said:
But amazing the vision ‘sea side and ice cream’ conjures up when talking about Pattaya, isn’t it?
Yraen said:
Thank you for another of your Noom stories. And may I congratulate you for having helped Noom to undertake his studies.
For the last 7 years I have been shepherding my beau through college and Uni. He graduated this year and he now has much clearer ideas of what he would like to achieve with his life.
The only ‘downer’ has been the postponments of the Grad Ceremony – originally Feb, then maybe May and now maybe July or August or September It does make planning flights just a tad difficult.
Like you, I have been thanked and accepted by his family and wai’d and thanked by some of his professors for taking the interest to help a poor Thai. His personal thanks have been conveyed many times, in many little, thoughtful ways.
So almost all of what you wrote hit home for me. Thank you.
Bangkokbois said:
Thank you Yraen. And thanks for sharing your story too. I’ve read many ‘fake study money scam’ bar boy tales, it’s not often you hear about the successful relationships that provide for educational opportunities though. Sounds like your beau found the guy he was looking for.
Ceremony postponements? Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
🙂
Thanks for the heads up. I better just buy an open date ticket for that trip then!
Jojo said:
After reading this article, I was touched and felt sentimental ….
The fact that Noom brought you “in” to meet his family/clan (subconsciously) reveals his love for you. I wish my bf could do that with me (guess not since he’s got a wife/no kids) instead of hiding me from the rest of his world. No wonder that I still feel “incomplete” and still looking for “Mr. Right” to cum along! 🙂
Methinks that I should really get Noom and you to play matchmaker for me one of these days! LOL!
Bangkokbois said:
Yeah, I’m lucky Jojo. Maybe the time just hasn’t been right for you and your guy yet. Keep the faith (while you keep one eye open for Mr. Right).
John said:
Thanks for the latest installment! As I said elsewhere, I keep coming back to your blog for the story of you and Noom.
Nevertheless, I’m personally distressed to learn that Noom will be leaving the bar boy trade sometime in the foreseeable future. I hope he stays in it until the end of this year, because I’d certainly like to meet him when I get to Thailand. Having spent so much time reading his story, I really want to see for myself what all the fuss is about. 🙂
Bangkokbois said:
Noom has a way to go before finishing school so you’re probably still safe by year’s end when you make your trip John. But then since I’m usually in Bangkok around that time, you may have to schedule your booking through me. Damn! I just realized my goal of being a pimp! Sweet!
🙂
John said:
Well, if I have to schedule through you, then so be it. From what I can glean from the pictures posted, Noom’s just my type. Besides, after spending all this time reading about him, I think I’ll sort of feel like I’m spending an evening with a celebrity. 😉
Bangkokbois said:
LOL – you certainly have the right attitude then, Noom will love you!
Warwick said:
I full heartedly believe that helping someone in need, especially if it is your loved one..brings good karma. But of course, it’s not the karma that we want to get, but rather to see our loved one move on to fish independently for his future. My bf is also graduating this year after 3 years of support and I don’t regret any of it and his family knwos me too..
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks for adding your story Warwick. I guess it should not be so surprising that helping out someone you care for gives you a good feeling, but it is a bonus that both of you benefit from doing so. I think any relationship depends on respect and trust. Helping your partner or friend get ahead and being proud of him for his efforts and accomplishments adds to any relationship and furthers the bond between you.