Idly surfing the internet the other day, I ran across an article with the titillating title: Is Sex Better for Bottoms? Huh. That’s an easy question to answer: Who cares? But some guys are almost women-like in their need for empathy, (and most of those guys are bottoms) so in the interest of false sincerity, I took the time to read up on the joys of being a bottom.
And that’s the problem with the internet. I fell for the ‘Is Sex Better for Bottoms?‘ title hook, line, and sinker. Turned out the article wasn’t really about the joys of bottoming but rather about how as a gay man bottoming empowers you. Power bottoms I get, confusing self-confidence and self-awareness with a good fuck . . . best I can tell you is that is not a guy you want to splay out over your bed. Sex is about an orgasm, not about finding empowerment. Men by their very nature are already empowered. Women are those trying to find empowerment. Though I guess to at least one author, bottoms are too.
Fine. So I spent some time searching for info about why guys like to bottom instead of spending my time searching for a bottom. The latter is easier, the former failed to convince me that bottoming is where it’s at. And truthfully, all I was looking for was a good line to feed to the next straight hottie I bed who needs a bit of convincing to turn over.
So why do some gay guys get so hard at the prospect of bottoming? And more importantly, how can I talk a reluctant partner into assuming the proper position?
Yup, smells like science to me.
Surprisingly there has not been that much research done on the whys. The answer boils down to either of two major points, one emotional, one physical. Physically, when done right, the catcher’s prostrate is massaged which is a pleasurable feeling. Emotionally, there’s a whole slew of psychological beliefs, most of which hover around the idea that by receiving you are giving, blah, blah, blah. It appeared that most of the scientists involved in the research went into their study with preconceived notions; none of their results were earth shattering. But I have made a mental note to carefully consider the question next time some hottie asks if I want a massage.
Of far greater interest was research that answered who instead of why. According to a recent study done at George Mason University and Indiana University, men aged 18 to 24 bottom most often and men aged 30 to 39 top most often. (I guess the belief is that once you hit 40, you are just happy to be having sex and will take whatever position is offered.) That more young guys bottom makes sense. Historically, going back to the time of those randy Greeks, younger men have always served the needs of older men. That need many times is a hot, young ass and a willing hole. That’s why I love history. And scientific studies. Thanks to this one, it’s official: younger guys should always bottom. It’s a tradition.
The survey’s purpose was to study the sexual behaviors of gay and bisexual men who’d had sex within the last year. Just under 25,000 men took part in the study which was conducted over the internet. Not only did the researchers discover that younger guys bottom the most, but that regardless of age, 85.8 percent of men reported little to no anal pain during sex. Not that I mind a bit of whimpering, but that’s a grand statistic to pull out when you are busy trying to convince your partner to roll over. Worded right it has the potential of implying he’s less of a man for not taking it like, um a man.
Better yet, the research conducted by the university says that I can dispense with any concern over ensuring the bottoming experience is pleasurable for younger guys I’m having sex with. Turns out only 21% of them report their last sexual experience to have been extremely arousing; the majority of younger gay men surveyed stated they were less than thrilled with their last go round. (Those 60 years old and older reported enjoying their last bout of sex the most, but then that could just be they were so damned thrilled to achieve an erection whatever came afterwards was just icing on the cake.) Since most younger guys don’t think sex is all that, there is no reason for me to bother concerning myself with their orgasm. I can just do what makes me feel good, and ignore the rest.
The only bad news coming out of the study was that only about 35 percent of all men went full-blown anal. Apparently the question, “Are you a top or a bottom?” only matters one-third of the time. 75% of those surveyed reported their last sexual experience only involved kissing and/or oral sex. (The 10% discrepancy is due to those who engaged in kissing, oral, and anal sex. Which, interestingly means that 25% dove right into anal without any foreplay.)
We’ve all heard that practice makes perfect. And it appears a lot of guys like to practice bottoming when they are alone. That means finding a suitable object to play the role of the top, and in far too many cases that results in things, um, getting out of hand.
Three doctors who practice in California recently released a book filled with x-rays showing foreign objects lodged inside of patient’s bodies. Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn’t Be presents some fascinating photos divided into three categories: those who swallowed the objects, those who got things stuck accidentally (think cockroaches crawling into someone’s ear while he sleeps), and those who intentionally inserted items into their vaginas or rectums – and couldn’t get them out. The three doctors were classmates in medical school and became fascinated by the sheer number of patients they saw who came to the hospital with these problems.
“As a medical student, these cases actually helped me learn a lot about human anatomy, biology and the doctor-patient relationship,” said Dr. Rich Dreben, who is now a psychiatrist in California. “These patients really stuck with us. I guess that’s a poor choice of words.”
Patients with objects stuck in the rectum are more likely to be between ages 20 and 40, and far more likely to be male. Some studies have found that men are 28 times more likely to insert objects up their backsides than women are. Of course women have a choice of insertion points, guys don’t.
“I think the most common objects I’ve seen are vegetables,” Dr. Murdoc Knight said. “I’ve never been able to figure that one out.”
Dr. Knight evidently does not have much of an imagination. Your refrigerator is filled with produce that has the required shape. The next best bet would be a bottle of beer, and no man, gay or straight, regardless of how horny he is is going to waste beer on a self-induced orgasm. There is no better use, on the other hand, for cucumbers.
For many unlucky patients, an inserted foreign object is the result of a one-in-a-million accident or a single bout of bad judgment. Or curiosity. Or loneliness. ER docs say they see these patients more often than you might think. There is little data detailing just how many patients wind up in emergency departments with objects stuck in their orifices, but doctors say it happens pretty frequently. Generally, doctors say most rectally lodged items are the result of an attempt at sexual gratification gone awry.
Dr. Gary Vilke, a professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of California San Diego Medical Center, once had a patient who had four Barbie doll heads stuck in his rectum. “When you looked at his x-ray, they were looking at you, like a totem pole,” Vilke said. Not that that means all gay men who bottom play with dolls, mind you.
Many patients are reluctant to tell emergency doctors and nurses just how an iPod or a pair of nail clippers wound up stuck inside their bodies. Dreben said he’s heard one excuse after another. “Some of my favorite excuses all involve someone who was doing something in the nude,” Dreben said. “‘I was vacuuming in the nude, when I fell.’ Usually, it’s some naked activity and a resulting accident.”
“The reality is that it’s probably extremely difficult, frightening and embarrassing for patients to seek medical attention, attention that they really need and sometimes delay,” Dr. Michael West, chief of surgery at San Francisco General Hospital, reports. “Trying to call the patient on an implausible story may lead to the patient’s signing themselves out of ER or dangerously delaying appropriate care or trying to remove it themselves and thereby causing more damage.”
No matter how or why someone gets a cell phone or a child’s toy stuck inside of them, emergency department doctors emphasize that a patient’s health and safety is the priority in the emergency room. “Most people who we see are just regular people. They’re working, educated people who were trying something different and it went wrong,” Vilke said. “It’s amazing what people will do when they’re lonely or bored.”
Being horny is probably also a major reason people decide to use inanimate objects for sexual gratification. And then sometimes, it’s not about sex but rather avoiding being somewhere were you won’t have any choice about bottoming.
Just four days before Christmas last year, a South Carolina man died after police said he was forced to eat cocaine that had been hidden in his brother’s backside. And brotherly love suddenly takes on a whole new meaning.
The brothers were arrested when the police found drugs in their car during a traffic stop. According to the police, the older brother, 23-year-old Deangelo Mitchell, hid some of the contraband in his ass.
Officers said Deangelo, concerned that his ass wasn’t a good enough hiding spot, then convinced his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, to swallow the ounce of cocaine to hide the evidence. He died soon afterward. Deangelo was released on bail but is now being sought by the police to face involuntary manslaughter charges.
Death, of course, is nothing to make fun of. Swallowing coke that has just been inside someone’s ass, however, is. Unfortunately there is no video – or YouTube’s servers would have crashed – but let’s throw a bone to Tosh.0 and put twenty seconds on the clock anyway . . .
I guess in South Carolina it’s sex, drugs, and Rocky Road.
He likes it! Hey Mikey!
Yes, things really do go better with Coke.
Now you know why they call it crack.
This is your ass on drugs . . .
Look what I got you for Christmas bro!
No, it’s spit or swallow.
Suppository can be such a confusing word.
Now pull my finger.
Think of it as re-gifting.
At least I’m handing it to you.
Smells like Mom.
Do you think Charlie Sheen will play me in the movie?
Just be glad we’re not sisters.
It’s only gay if you lick it first.
I hope that was lube.
No really, it tastes like chicken.
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