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bangkok crocodile farm

Undoubtedly a needed sign as it is only the feeble in mind or body who visit Thailand’s crocodile farms.

I’d hate to be scooped by an entire week’s worth of posts abut crocodiles in Thailand, so I guess I’ll quickly dispense with the topic now. Unless we are talking about the ones normally called mamasans. But in addition to that subspecies there are – and I’m sure you are both amazed and astounded – crocodiles appearing at farms and in shows all around the greater Bangkok area, and more as you make your way further out into the countryside. Not to mention the numerous crocodile farms and shows in surrounding countries. And the entire rest of the world. If you are trying to decide which crocodile show to visit in Bangkok, a better question to ask yourself is: why?

In their pursuit of touri dollars, Thais have come up with some pretty flimsy excuse for tourist attractions. Crocodile farms are probably the worst. Crocs have little to do with Thailand. They are not as culturally significant as elephants, for example, and until someone comes up with an attraction where you can ride crocodiles, the farms will remain a D-list draw. At the very least they could offer touri the opportunity to swim with crocodiles as they do in Oudtshoom, South Africa. But in Thailand all you’ll get to do is look at crocs, as they lay around and do nothing. If you have to visit a crocodile farm in Thailand, just thank the gods for the digital camera age and that you will not have to cover film and processing costs for pictures that will quickly be discarded.

Crocodiles are just not that exciting. I mean it’s not like everyone over the age of five hasn’t already seen a crocodile. They show up at zoos and aquariums throughout the world and unless it’s a first sighting they draw, at best, a momentary glance before people move on to the more exciting exhibits of sharks or lions. Or the restroom.

Makara

Crocs can occasionally be seen sprouting Naga at Thai temples, though their religious significance seems to be on par with temple cats.

Crocodiles and alligators (same same and really not all that different) can be found all over the world. They have no more significance to Thailand than do cockroaches. Crocs do have a tenuous tie-in to Buddhism though. Originally part of Brahmanism belief, along with lots of other mythical figures, the crocodile – or Makara – were assimilated into Theravada Buddhism. Makara are sometimes seen ‘sprouting’ naga on roof finials and stairs at wats. Though a recognized theme, there is no accompanying myth to explain their tie-in with naga, though they may carry a fertility meaning because both symbolize water and fertile soil. Occasionally you’ll see Makara spouting vegetables or plants on wood or stone carving sceneries in Thai temples too. While you may occasionally see crocs used as a base for the naga at the stairs of a wat, most temples just go with the naga. Even Buddhist wat architects don’t get excited by crocodiles.

If your life would not be complete without seeing a crocodile show, the air fare to Florida is much cheaper. Why anyone would fly half way around the world and then waste their time visiting a crocodile farm is beyond me. But then on one of my initial visits to the Kingdom, I did. Wasn’t my idea. I was travelling with my running partner Dave, whose wonder of the world is damn close to that of a five year-old, and he wanted to go see a crocodile show.

crocodile luggage

Crocodile farms in Thailand are boring. Running across genuine crocodile skin luggage on the streets of Bangkok is pretty cool though.

The crocodile farm we visited also had go-carts, which were fun. And a shooting range with none of the typical safety regs used back in the states. More fun and I suspect the real reason Dave wanted to visit the place. They had an old drugged-up tiger you could sneak up behind and have your picture taken with, kinda sorta, for a fee. And for the less brave, a boa available for your Kodak moment too. Even the crocodile farm realized that crocs alone were not enough of a draw. The gift shop at the farm had a wide array of items made from crocodile, wallets, belts, purses, bags, bookmarks . . . kinda gives you an idea of how the farm’s operators value their featured livestock, crocs draw in bigger bucks when dead.

Crocs are not exactly what you’d call an active animal. They lay about in the sun a lot and the only viewing thrill is when they yawn, an act mimicked by most visitors watching them. Maybe if they got a portion of their crocodile community addicted to Yaba like the majority of bar boys in Pattaya, there’d be a bit more excitement going on, but they haven’t thought of that yet. Or just don’t want to waste good drugs on worthless animals. The highlight of the crocodile show, no matter where you are unlucky enough to see it, is the ‘trainer’ putting his head between a croc’s jaws. And yet another example of what a Thai is willing to do for a few baht. No one ever loses their head, so it really isn’t that dangerous of an act. If the operators of the farms allowed the crocs to occasionally have trainer head for lunch the draw would be greater, I’m sure.

bangkok crocodile show

What a Thai will do for 100 baht

Crocodile farms are not even a draw for the kind of touri who rely on packed tours. They are always an add on, something the tour operator included in the trip to a place people actually want to visit. If the proposed half day tour won’t take up half of a day, you can always throw in a visit to the local crocodile farm. But that’s not an attraction, it’s filler.

Just like whenever there is a flood of any size in Bangkok, which is almost yearly, there are news reports about crocodiles in the streets of Bangkok. The media loves that type of story. And like desperate tour operators, uses it frequently as filler. The plus for newspapers is that that article has already been written. They only need to change the date and location because the same story works for a few dozen different locales around the world. So I guess crocodile farms, shows and marauding crocodiles in the streets do serve some purpose. They are good filler for a blog post, too. Though ‘A Visit To A Crocodile Show Part 19’ might be overkill.

capyured croc

A crocodile is captured on the streets of Bangkok after a flood. Or maybe that was in Australia, Bangladesh, Brunei, Myanmar, Cambodia, China, India, the Andaman Islands, Indonesia, Laos, Malaysia, Palau, Papua New Guinea, the Philippines, Singapore, Sri Lanka, Solomon Islands, Vanuatu, Vietnam, Egypt, Israel, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Madagascar, Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Cuba, Hati, the Dominican Republic, Martinque, Trinada and Tobago, Jamaica, the Caymans, Columbia, Ecuador, Peru, Ethiopia, South Africa, Somalia, Uganda, Kenya, Tanzania, Zambia, Gabon, Malawi, Sudan, Botswana, Cameroon, Madagascar, Senegal or Florida. Unless that’s an alligator.

Of course being me, when forced to think about crocodiles my mind automatically drifts to sex. Not that it doesn’t do that with just about any subject. But a bit of research into crocodile mating practices reveals, perhaps to no one’s surprise, that crocodile sex is not much different than how they spend the rest of the day: not a lot going on, they kinda just lay there. Possibly not unlike your last bar boy. But they have given a new meaning to premature ejaculation.

According to a recent news article out of Israel – not about crocodiles in the streets – a farmer near Jerusalem is complaining that the sonic booms from Israeli war planes in his area are causing male crocodiles to get all sexed up. Evidently, this happens every time a war plane flies overhead and breaks the sound barrier. The male crocs misinterpret the sonic booms for another male’s mating call, and it gets them hot and raring to go. Not wanting to be left out of the orgy of glistening croc flesh soon to start, they join in with their throaty mating calls too.

The farmer reports that when the randy crocs get worked up, with almost 100 crocs making a sound not unlike a car crash, their din can be heard several hundred yards away. It’s not unlike the reaction of a bar full of gay guys when they start playing one of Gloria Gaynor’s disco hits. So if due to misplaced judgement on your part you find yourself visiting a crocodile farm in Thailand and hear a sonic boom, cover your ass and run like hell.

Crocs

I suspect men who wear Crocs are the same guys who visit crocodile farms in Thailand.

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