In case you forgot to make your list of resolutions for 2012, the government has done so for you. They call them laws and while like new year resolutions laws are made to be broken, it can prove costly to do so. Nearly 40,000 laws went into effect in the U.S. at the beginning of the year. Several provide additional protections or rights to gay men (and those people who claim rights to the other related initials). And, of course, California was at the forefront of rainbow influenced legislation.

Drag queens scored big in California; the state’s Fair Employment and Housing Act was amended to prohibit discrimination based on gender identity and gender expression. Californians who want to wear drag to work can now do so without fear of reprisal.

And that includes judges who want to move out of basic black. The new Judicial Applicant and Appointment Demographics Inclusion Law requires that data be collected on the hiring of gay judges – and those who would like to wear a frilly gown – so that the diversity of state courts can be maintained. Your opportunity to flirt with the judge just increased tenfold.

Since teachers in California can now take their ladyboy act into the classroom, it’s probably a good thing that a new state law requires schools to teach that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered Americans have contributed to the development of California and the United States. Though well intended, I’m not sure exactly what that curriculum would look like. With all due respect, Harvey Milk was no Martin Luther King. And the majority of gay men who have contributed to California’s development were in the movie industry, and closeted. I think making gay studies part of sex education would be a better route. If nothing more, straight guys could learn proper hygiene for anal sex so when I finally tap their ass, it’s fresh.

Milk never had it so good

James Franco tonguing Sean Penn will now be part of the curriculum in California schools

While new laws in Delaware and Hawaii make same-sex couples eligible for civil unions and grant them the same rights and benefits as married couples, it is still not legal to marry your boyfriend in California. So the legislature has kinda got the cart before the horse with recently enacted legislation that allows the state to grant divorces to gay couples provided the couple got married in California but live in a state that won’t grant them a divorce. Nice to know you can break up legally in California even if you can’t get hitched.

As for the kids you may then be arguing over, the new Protection of Parent-Child Relationships Law allows courts to consider the relationship between a child and a non-biological parent when considering child rights cases involving birth parents, adoptive parents, and gay or lesbian guardians. And if part of the problem with your non-marriage that resulted in a real divorce was an argument over whether or not little Johnnie should be cut, there is now a state law on the books banning cities and municipalities from banning circumcision. At least for infants.

If you got to play the guy’s role in your divorce and got taken to the cleaners, a new law prohibits employers from using a consumer credit report for employment purposes. So you can be a dead beat dad and still find a job. If there were any available. There are some exceptions, but I think this is a good law, how deeply in debt you are really doesn’t come into play in how well you will perform your job. Though it is always nice to see how susceptible your staff members are to financially induced sexual harassment.

Governor Jerry Brown signed the Reader Privacy Act into law to cover new technologies like e-books, online book services, as well as old-school bookstores. It prevents the government and third parties from demanding access to private reading records without proper legal justification. Porn should be a private matter and just how kinky you are should not be a concern of the government.


California’s youth are now protected by a new law that bans the sale of fake pot.

And I may be misapplying the California Transparency in Supply Chains Act, which requires large retailers and manufacturers to tell consumers on their websites what steps, if any, they take to ensure their product supply chains are free from slavery and trafficking, but it doesn’t sound good for aficionados of SM and BD.

California has several new laws for 2012 that cover the state’s favorite pastime: drug use. One prohibits the production or sale of beer to which caffeine has been added. Just when I was thinking there is actually a reason for Starbucks. Another new law makes it a misdemeanor to sell, dispense or distribute a synthetic cannabinoid compound, commonly known as ‘spice’ or ‘K2.’ At least 40 states have adopted laws to ban chemical substances related to synthetic cannabinoids. Since medical marijuana is legal in California (shhhhh, don’t tell the feds!) and obtaining script is a breeze, I don’t know why anyone would waste their time with fake pot.

car wash

Thank the gods it’s illegal to dry your car with used underwear in San Francisco.

But then maybe the fake stuff has some purpose, perhaps it’s not as potent and would keep California’s law makers from passing these types of laws, all of which are currently on the books:

In California it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

California law states: No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.

It is illegal for anyone to try to stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

In Chico, the law says that anybody who detonates a nuclear device within the city limits is liable for a fine of $500.

In San Francisco, it is illegal to buff or dry your car with used underwear.