, , ,

rear view

Maybe I should have gone with my initial instinct and posted a ‘Year in Rearview’ article instead?

The last week of each year is a popular time for just about everyone involved in the media to publish a retrospective of the year’s events. Top Ten lists are a popular way of hitting that mark. But way too limiting. I thought maybe a ‘rearview’ of the year could be fun, but then I’d want to post new pictures of bodacious male butt rather than re-post those I’ve already shown you. And that’s kinda cheating. I thought a review of the world’s leading terrorists Obama’s killed off over the last year might be a nice political ending for the year too. But, he’s got another year before the end of his term and many other bad guys to assassinate, so we’ll leave that one for next year. Ditto for the republican party crazies vying for the top nutter position; but they all spent the year assassinating themselves and with the election less than a year away there will be plenty of opportunities to delve into that little ball of freakdom, so no reason to do so now.

Stumped, I suddenly remembered as a youth one of my favorite annual articles in the local newspaper was Jeane Dixon’s predictions for the upcoming year. I don’t know that I ever tracked her forecasts during the year to see if she was as good as she thought she was, but do remember going back to check if she’d got that one the year she died. Nope. Seems to me any psychic worth her salt should at the very least be able to predict when her time would be up. But there ya go.

In any case, Ms. Dixon’s annual list of predictions saved me from being late with a year-end wrap up by offering a chance to post the same info as a forecast for 2012 instead.

2011 was a big year for celebrities deciding to finally come out of the closet. So many so that you may have missed or forgotten some of the more recent additions to our tribe. And really, who is and who isn’t gay in Hollywood is of far greater importance than whose turban Obama knocked off at neck level. Quite a few fresh from the closet have been lesbians this last year, but other than Justin Bieber, when a woman announces she’s gay it’s not really news that gay men care about. Newly minted lesbians do tend to get breeders quite hot, but gay guys, not so much.

Any celebrity of note who came out or was outted got major press. The lesser stars – and lesbians – got but an honorable mention. But that’s yesterday’s news. Rather than re-trash the list of notables who joined our team in 2011, I thought I’d steal a page from Jeane Dixon’s book and cover those who will be coming out in 2012. Jeane used an ouija board for her predictions, I rely on a much more reliable source: Google and its auto suggestion predictive algorithms. And I gotta tell you, it’s shaping up to be a very pink year.

So here are my predictions of the famous men who will open their closet doors in 2012:

mario lopez gay

For an obvious bottom, Mario looks to be packin’ some heat!

Mario Lopez:

Yeah, I know. I thought he’d come out years ago too. While Mario is still a hottie, age is quickly creeping up on him so we can expect 2012 to be the year he makes it official so that he can snag a husband – or at least a room full of tops – and make his life complete.

Mario tried to follow the route many other celebrities have taken out of the closet by having a baby last year. Unlike others, he announced who the mother was but she quickly faded into oblivion and it was soon all about Mama Mario and his little bundle of joy. But Hollywood snored through that act. Been there, done that, way too many gay guys with kids now to pay any attention to yet another one. So Mario tried a different tack, by shining the light on a different little bundle of joy.

Because it’s what all straight celebrities do (wink-wink), Mario has just released his own line of mens underwear. And decided to not only be the designer and spokesperson for M wear, but its model too. Thanks Mario! And I have to say, for an obvious bottom, Mario looks to be packin’ some heat!

mario lopez gay

Mario says a prayer that Greg brought his double headed dildo with him.

Lopez teamed up with online retailer FreshPair.com for his underwear venture. As quoted on the waistband of his undies, it’s “For manful men and their very special guests.” When asked what the “M” stood for, the Hollywood Hottie and all-around media whore replied, “the ‘M’ stands for masculine, modern, Mario… make it whatever you want it to be.” Um, could that also be ‘Might be gay’? Or should we just go with the traditional ‘‘Mo’.

Why Mario felt he had to dip into the world of fashion to establish his pinkness is beyond me. His greatest hits of gay moments read like a salute to Charles Nelson Reilly. Decades ago he took on the lead role for the made for television biography of Greg Louganis, Breaking The Surface and was so convincing in the sex scenes that his closet door should have swung firmly opened. Instead the world politely waiting for Mario to make the announcement of what we all all ready knew. Granted Greg was pure hotness in those days and I’d kill for a video of Mario and Greg getting it on, but when the two met they faced the age-old dilemma of many gay men: what do you do when you are both bottoms?

mario lopez gay

Mario Lopez may not be gay, but his ass is.

Mario also tried the Kenny Chesney ‘ I’m not gay so don’t ask me why my marriage only lasted two weeks’ route, but Bradley Cooper beat him to that one and again the world waited for the little gay boy to tell us he was. Mario then went for the ‘I’m gay AND a bottom by playing gay while his naked ass played the bottom role in a guest stint on Nip N Tuck, but that too failed to justify his closet door being opened for him. He followed that attempt up by playing gay again on Dancing With the Stars, and still no bites.

So even though Mario has still not made it official, it’s time we throw him a bone and call it a done deal. Or wait for the photographic proof sure to surface in 2012. Mario is gay, and unless it means him showing off his naked ass again, we need not hear any more on the subject.

oscar de la hoya gay

Because all straight guys like to show off their small peni and dyed pubes.

Oscar de la Hoya:

Maybe it’s old news now, but a recent post I did about a muscle stud at Tawan who is a ladyboy at heart prompted a quick trip down memory lane of hunky Latino Oscar de la Hoya and the photos of him from 2007 wearing a wig, lingerie, and fishnet stockings. At the time Oscar said they were fake, but late in 2011 he admitted they were in fact real. Turns out the golden boy of boxing is more of a golden girl. But according to Oscar, it was the drugs he was taking, and not his preference for cock that made him don his gay apparel. Sorry, Oscar, but “The devil made me do it!” didn’t really work for Flip Wilson, and your rep precedes you.

Of course the ladyboys of the world would argue dressing in drag does not mean you are gay. So perhaps using those photos as proof that Oscar plays for the pink team is unfair. At best, he fessed up to being Oscar De Lady Boya. On the other hand, when Googling your name and the first predictive result the Google wizard offers you is ‘gay’ you might just consider that the word is out and admit it.

oscar de la hoya gay

Thailand’s ladyboys have nothing to worry about over Oscar’s fondness for drag

The world of professional boxing is a difficult one to be out in, but considering that three or the last four men Oscar met in the ring all publicly referred to his gayness, it would seem his secret really isn’t. Since there are no more ranked boxers willing to accept money to use Oscar as a punching fag, expect his next opponent to be his flimsy closet door.

will smith gay

Will and an unidentified gay man out on the town.

Will Smith:

It’s a bitch being on the down low when you’ve hit an age where once you get down it’s problematic getting back up. Will Smith is another one of the unsung gay heroes of Hollywood who is quickly approaching an age where when he finally announces he favorite color is pink, no one will care. For years Hollywood insiders have referred to Will’s overly large ears as love handles. Marrying a boyish looking woman did little to quell the rumors that rang true especially in light of a notorious Hollywood Madame’s declaration:

“The first time I spoke with Smith, I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion. Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.”

Well, no, actually we wouldn’t be surprised. John Travolta has to do something with all that money he makes. But Will hasn’t always needed to fork over cash for his man meat. Actor Duane Martin was allegedly Will Smith’s gay lover in the past. He recently divorced TV actress Tisha Campbell after exposing himself as gay.

More recently, the Jizzy Fresh Prince has been busy with R&B singer Trey Songz. For years rumors have been constant, claiming Trey has had numerous gay relationships with men in the music industry. The 26-year-old Grammy-nominated artist has repeatedly denied that he is gay. Because straight guys always have to repeatedly deny they like cock.

Trey Songz gay

Trey Songz is not gay. And is not Will Smith’s gay lover. And is not a bottom. And does not wear Jada’s clothes when she is not in town.

In a recent interview, Troy Taylor, a record company executive and mentor to the singer said, “I know that Trey and Will have been friends for a very long time, but I can’t speak to the nature of their relationship. It’s none of my business.”

Huh. That’s almost as good as being damned by faint praise. Will attempted outing himself last year with rumors that his sham marriage was over. And it’s not like Will acts gay, I mean, definitely not Nathan Lane gay, and not even Kevin Spacey gay. But Tom Cruise gay for sure. On Google’s Out Meter, Will gets a big #4., so expect him to announce he really plays for the Men in Pink in 2012.

taylor lautner gay

Um, sorry, but that’s not a headline.

Taylor Lautner:

Taylor is so gay and so out he not only made it on this list but was a featured Gay of the Week earlier in the year. So I really don’t need to list all of his gay points here. But then one look at Taylor is all it should take to know that he plays on our team. Even if it is on the girl’s side.

He made today’s post, however, thanks to a fake People magazine cover that made it’s way around the internet last week. The cover quickly went viral and that People had to issue a statement denying its validity should tell you – and Taylor – just how out the boy really is.

The word is Taylor won’t be making it official until he has established himself as a major star. 2012 will be the year for reality checks and recognizing he’ll soon be slated for a run on Dancing With the Stars, expect Taylor to admit the line of boys waiting to do him will always outnumber the line of guys waiting to see his next flick. Unless he goes the gay porn route.

rob kardashian gay

Rob Kardashian requires that a photo of his ass accompany any other published shots of him.

Rob Kardashian:

I know. The Kardashian ugly little sister isn’t even D List material, but the poor boy deserves to be thrown a bone. And you know that any supposed straight man who refers to his ass as ‘his secret weapon’ is dreaming of just how big that bone might be.

Not everyone involved with Hollywood is a celebrity or a star. Some only rank as a personality, and while none of the Kardashians actually have a personality, this last year Rob followed the lead of so many other out gay has-beens by shaking his booty on Dancing with the Stars. Jealous of sister Kim’s butt implants, Robbie boy made sure his most valuable asset was featured weekly, referring to the prodigious mounds of hotness as ‘his secret weapon.’

Um, let me guess: bottom?

Rob outted himself via Twitter (because that is what media whores do these days) with a series of drunken posts. The first one read: ‘I love men’s private parts.’ Followed by: “Yum yum yum.” Rob then started writing about his attraction to one of his skank sister’s husband, Lakers star Lamar Odom. “I love my brother-in-law. He is so big and sexy.”

You may feel that qualifies as being out, especially as saying three letter words is a difficult task for any Kardashian, but like the rest of his family, Rob is a media whore, so as soon as he learns a new “G” word, you can expect him to try and make the news in 2012.

don lemon gay

Don Lemon undergoes medical tests to determine if he is in fact black.

Don Lemon:

CNN’s Don Lemon decided to be the news instead of reporting it in 2011r, but the shocker wasn’t his announcement that he was gay (it’s not news when everyone already knows about it), but that he was black. Don’s announcement this last year that he was gay didn’t work because everyone thought it was Anderson who was opening his closet door, so he followed up by announcing he is black.

Granted, his race was of more of a question than his sexual preference, but it turns out he needed to qualify the former thanks to his memoir in which he gushes over Ronald Reagan and speaks so sweetly about Bill O’Reilly you’d think he was trying to get into the FOX News pundit’s pants. Or vice versa. On hearing about Don’s conservative leanings, his white boyfriend of four years, Ben Tinker, said, “Don’s black????”

anderson cooper gay

And Anderson will announced this year that he is not black. (Pictured: Anderson Cooper & boyfriend Benjamin Maisani. Cooper is the one on the bottom. Oh. You already knew that.)

Anderson Cooper:

Not news either, but you really can’t mention CNN and gay in the same post and not give a shout out to Anderson who spent the year trying to make Andy Dick look straight.

Jealous of the mantle worn by Ellen as “gay but still acceptable to the breeders who have no life and spend their days watching television”, Anderson threw a hissy fit until someone gave him his own talk show this last year. Gay men used to have fag hags, now being BFF with a talentless skank seems to be all the rage and Anderson claimed MTV’s Jersey Shore’s Skank Snooki as his gay not-beard, joining her on-air tanning themselves orange.

Anderson, really, I know it’s an open secret but come on. The girlish giggle is enough of a clue already, do you have to go the full queen route to boot? CNN’s ratings have been dropping, and along with his pants, Anderson’s talk shows have been bottoming out too. Nothing gets a Neilson rater hotter than a celebrity announcing he is gay, so expect Anderson to take one for the team in 2012.

jersey shore gay

Was this cover to show how dumb these guys are, or that they are gay? Oh, got it: both.

The Girls of Jersey Shore:

As long as we’re on the subject of not hot guidos, the interchangeable cast of Jersey Whores will all step through the closet door in 2012. Though they may have done so last year, or whenever these guys first started appearing on television. A friend – who is now an ex-friend – suggested I watch the show telling me it was like watching a train wreck about to happen. The episode I caught was about one of the gay guidos running his head into a cement wall because, um, I’m not sure there was a reason. So really the train wreck part of the show is a done deal. Guessing whether any of the ugly male cast members is gay is too. And isn’t ‘gay guido’ an oxymoron anyway?

But it’s nice that MTV continues its tradition of including gay guys in its ensemble casts. This one has four little gay boys in it: the ugly one who thinks he has great abs, the ugly one who has incredible muscles and an ass I call dibbs on, and the other two ugly ones who might as well be straight ‘cuz no gay man would ever be interested in them.

There are an equal number of fish in the show, but the entire gang spend their days sharing make-up tips, plucking their eyebrows, and drooling over each others’ boyfriends. So which have peni and which only act like they do doesn’t really matter. Come to think about it, none of them really matter anyway, but it’s always a good thing to have gay men represented on TV.

nixon gay

Ah, and now we know the true meaning behind the Tricky Dick nickname.

Richard Nixon:

I guess along with so many other things, Tricky Dick was wrong: we still have Nixon to kick around. A recently publish biography about America’s most infamous president by journalist Don Fulsom claims Dick liked dick. And had a lot better taste in boyfriends than he did in wives.

Nixon’s Darkest Secrets is based on Fulsom’s reporting during the Nixon administration, along with interviews with members of Congress, former White House staffers and others from the 37th President’s inner circle. According to Fulsom, Nixon had a gay love affair that spanned multiple decades with Cuban-American businessman Charles ‘Bebe’ Rebozo.

In his book he states, “Nixon and Rebozo, who the feds believe laundered money for mob kingpins in Florida and Cuba, swam, sunbathed and dined together during guys-only vacations in exclusive Key Biscayne, FL., and were once spotted holding hands under the table during a dinner with K Street power brokers.”

Another reporter told Fulsom that he once caught a tipsy Nixon nuzzling Rebozo “the way you’d cuddle your senior prom date.” The fact that the two were pals was no secret to Washington officials, and whispers often floated around about the two being a possible item right up until Nixon’s death in 1994.

As for Nixon’s beard – and possibly not the first first lady to take on that role – according to Fulsom, Dick and Pats’ relationship was a platonic one and Nixon was even given kissing lessons to help his relationship seem valid in the public eye.

Being dead makes it a bit more difficult for Nixon to come out, but this story will grow legs in 2012 and maybe then we’ll finally know what was on those 18 missing minutes of tape.

p diddy gay

P Diddy released a cologne this year marketed for the world of rap.

Some Rapper:

Okay, maybe that should be all rappers. I’d pay more attention to the gay hotties of the rap world, but most are just plain thug-ugly. The world of rap has a rep for being homophobic, but it turns out all those nasty lyrics about fags are really all love songs.

Ice Cube got his nickname for kneeling in worship to Vanilla Ice, it’s no secret that 50 cent is 100% in favor of his homies, P Diddy’s old moniker, Puffy, was about his skills playing the skinflute, and Dr. Dre only likes to play doctor with the boys. Then there’s the drag queen known as Queen Latifah. Add Tyrese, Busta, Redman, Method Man, Puffy, Russell Simmons, Ray J, Soulja Boy, Deadlee (though he’s already officially out), Eminem, Kanye, Q-Tip, Sisqo, LL Cool J, Lil Wayne, Ludacris . . . do I really need to go on?

The world of rap music may not be your thing, but damn is it gay! Several well-known rappers have admitted over the last year that there’s a ‘gay mafia’ that runs the rap music world, and that the only way anyone gets the industry behind them is to, well let the industry get behind them. The east coast / west coast rivalry has been done to death (literally) so expect the new battle front for 2012 to be the gay / straight rapper wars. Though it appears finding a rapper to play on the breeders’ team will be a difficult one.