Just when I think I have straight guys figured out, they go and pull some unfathomable stunt that convinces me that as a species they need to be allowed to fade into extinction. Case in point, my breeder brethren have just named Jennifer Aniston as the Hottest Woman of All Time. Fresh on the heels of the dubious awarding of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive honor being given to Bradley Cooper (who has since stated he too believes that title should have been Ryan Gosling’s – proving that a gay man will say anything to get into a hottie’s pants), 2011 is stacking up as being the year that the myopic ruled the world.

Beating out such notable fish as Marilyn Monroe (who came in 3rd), Aniston anointment came as the result of a poll ran by Men’s Health, the world’s largest mens magazine, a publication that specializes in hot shirtless pix of muscled hunks and nearly naked male celebrities. Britney Spears, by the way, came in fourth place which is even more confusing than Aniston’s win. I’d get that one if she was still 14 (breeders are known to harbor pedophilic tendencies), but since Britney’s days of the shaven head/aliens abducted me/wild eyed/drugged out/crack whore look, you gotta wonder just what the appeal is. Or maybe that’s it.

Granted, Jennifer is worshiped by bitter single women everywhere, but at 42, dumped by Brad Pitt for the woman who came in 10th place, Aniston qualifies more for the Least Talented Spinster award than Hottest Woman of All Time. And unlike Britney, she could never pull off the bald look. Her hair is her claim to fame and the sole repository of her talent.

Though you have to give Aniston some credit for landing hotties like Brad and John Mayer, her record of keeping a man has been less than stellar. It seems nailing Rachel from Friends is the real draw, and once they’ve tapped that piece Hollywood’s hottest all beat a hasty retreat. But even getting your turn in line to make a deposit in Jen isn’t a difficult trick; if your damn- ex-agent screwed you over by casting you in a movie with Aniston your contract will require that you throw her a bone. Maybe not a bad deal if you are Vince Vaughn – a man known to enjoy getting his freak on – or Gerard Butler – who after doing The Jen reported dating a co-star was a disaster – but even D-list Saturday Night Live funnyman Jason Sudeikis dropped Aniston quicker than their movie The Bounty Hunter made its way to DVD.

Reality often mirrors fantasy even in Hollywood, and Aniston tried a little co-star romance fantasy on for size by first dating Paul Rudd, who played her gay roommate BFF in The Object Of My Affection, and then attempted to be romantically linked with her co-star in He’s Just Not That Into You, Bradley Cooper, who plays a gay man in real life. Bradley gently let Aniston down saying he only wanted to be friends. (When in his heart the Friend he wanted to do was Matt LeBlanc.)

“Funny is sexy, and Jennifer Aniston is funny,” explains Men’s Health of Aniston’s coup. Well, not really. While each of her break-ups seems funnier than the last, her comedic record on-screen is wanting. Just a step away from direct to VHS status, Jennifer’s Hollywood career has sailed from one flop to the next. Besides, if funny was sexy we’d all be beating off over pictures of Phyllis Diller.

At first I thought maybe Men’s Health had hired Stevie Wonder to pick its winner, but then realized their problem was in turning to their readership. Hello? Men’s Health may bill itself as ‘the men’s guide to fitness, sex, women, workouts, weight loss, health, nutrition and muscle building’, but their monthly covers say it all: prime male beef. Pictures of shirtless hunks – with even more revealing photo spreads inside – are not an attraction to straight men. It’s gay guys who drool over whatever hottie graces the magazine’s cover, and it’s gay guys who voted Aniston into the top spot. Because gay guys all still want Rachel as their BFF.

Men’s Health likes to pretend it’s a magazine for health conscious straight guys, but then blows their claim by holding a Cover Model of the Year contest. Not surprising that Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, Ryan Reynolds, and Joe Manganiello have all been featured by the publication. And it’s not surprising Aniston won the Hottest Woman of All Time award either: readers were busy voting for Aniston but thinking Justin Theroux, her current boy toy, instead.