Thais don’t really get Christmas. Sure the visual trappings are there, all the malls are festooned in holiday decor. But that’s about consumerism. Now that’s something Thais totally understand. But Christmas just doesn’t make a lot of sense to them. First, it’s too close to New Years. Thais are big on celebrating the New Year and do so three times each year. The version they are most familiar with involves getting gifts, so when we throw another holiday about gift getting on top of the one they already know, it’s no wonder they are confused.

The whole Santa thing is an iffy proposition to Thais too. Okay, an old fat falang with too much facial hair, dressed in garish clothing, and we make a holiday about that? That describes half of the falang they run across daily. An even higher percentage if they live in Pattaya. And what in the hell is a chimney anyway?

Still, Christmas is our high holiday in the west and carries many traditions with it. Giving gifts is part of our upbringing and so even though our Thai friends don’t quite understand why we are passing a gayly wrapped present their way, we still do. Not that any of them will complain. At least not as long as you have chosen your Christmas gift with care.

Thais who have come to know Westeners have been trained to receive Christmas gifts. It’s not that early in December they start wondering what you’ll be giving them for Christmas (they are too busy wondering what you will be giving them for New Years), but when you pull out a gift for them they recognize it for what it is. Their rightful due. So you better have gotten it right.

Thinking too much about what the perfect gift for each of your Thai friends can be disastrous. Like Christmas, Thai bar boys are all about tradition. It’s easy to fall off the narrow track of acceptable gifts, you’re better off going the traditional route: a cell phone, gold, or a motor cy. This year you may get away with an iPad 2, too. Not that your boy will have an internet account to connect to, but the sheer thrill of having such an item of status will make all his bar mates jealous and his little heart will sore over the good fortune of knowing a falang with a good heart. And a big wallet.

You may scoff at these traditional Thai bar boy Christmas gifts. You may think they are way too pricey. And you know his love for you is not dependent on expensive gifts. That’s because he knows you are a cheapskate and has had to lower his sights. Being too wise and world-weary to fall for the pricey gift route makes choosing an appropriate gift difficult. But don’t despair. There is one gift you can give any Thai that he’ll be thrilled with : a picture of the King.

The Thai people love their king. Every family has at least one photo of the King in their home, another one is never too much. But Thais are very status conscious. So it’s not enough that you give a picture of the King as a gift, but that one you give is appropriate. And I’m here to help you out:

Let’s start with the most important person on your Christmas list: your boy. All Thais are superstitious and have lucky numbers and lucky colors. Colors are big in Thailand. They denote political affiliation, social status, and can even bring good luck. One of the favorite colors of bar boys is brown. A picture of the King in that color will be much appreciated. He’ll love you for such a thoughtful gift and will even love you more if your give him several brown pictures of the King.

You may also have a handful of other bar boys to give Xmas gifts to. Some you will have known for a while, others will be new, more recent friends. You’ll know which should be given gifts as they will warmly welcome you with the cry of, “Happy New Year!” This is Thai for Merry Christmas and it translates as “Give Me A Gift!” (You can also expect to be wished ‘Merry Christmas’ in Thai by taxi drivers, street vendors, housekeepers and bellmen . . . most locals you meet between early November and the end of February will go out of their way to wish you a ‘Merry Christmas’ in Thai.)

The proper colored picture of the King for lesser bar boys is traditionally pink. Though custom in Pattaya dictates a green picture of the King instead. As with your boy special, being given the gift of several pictures of the King is always a welcomed event in any bar boy’s life.

You bar boy’s family needs to be remembered at Christmas too, and their gift can be more problematic. First, you have to remember which – mama or papa – is sick and dying. Or already dead. This problem is compounded by the unusual Thai cultural phenomena of a parent dying more than once. And sometimes they die, then get sick, and then die again. Fortunately you are not expected to give a Christmas gift to the family’s water buffalo, only to replace it when it dies.

If Papa is the sick one who hasn’t died yet this year, you know he will appreciate a bottle of booze more than he will a picture of the King. Conversely, Mama always appreciates some nice fruit to gum. Both will be appreciated gifts, but even more so if you take the time to get a hold of some special holiday wrapping paper that has pictures of the King on it. This gift wrapping paper isn’t easy to find, but you can locate a source by Googling the Thai name for it which is ‘uncut sheets.’ In celebration of the King’s birthday, this year the Thai government has produced a special issue of wrapping paper for you to use for your gift giving over the holidays.

And if you arrive in Thailand in time to hand out Xmas gifts but not in time to gather up enough pictures of the King, most Thais are equally fond of pictures of dead presidents if you are from the U.S., or the Queen if you are a British subject. Stock up before you leave home. And don’t forget that you’ll be expected to hand out more pictures of world leaders and royalty come New Year’s Day.

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