Deck the halls, falalalala, and all that jazz. The Christmas holiday season is upon us and that means a rash of holiday parties to attend. Unless you weren’t brought up right, that also means a rash of host gifts to consider; no self respecting gay man would ever show up at a party without a suitable gift in hand. Of course the type of party you are attending will somewhat dictate the gift you bring, but being a gay man it always needs to be fabulous.
If you were unlucky enough to be invited to a mixed party (meaning you and a bunch of straight folk) you need to arrive with a suitable hostess gift. And lots of attitude too. Straight women at holiday parties are always in their most festive fix-up mood and will swoop down upon you with the (not surprising) news that they have the perfect guy for you. And he’s at the party. Of course their matchmaking skills when it comes to gay guys means gay + gay = wedding bells. So they pull out some old toad that you wouldn’t touch with Mitt Romney’s dick and expect you to fall head over heels in love.
I’d forgive them their ignorance if it wasn’t usually accompanied with a ‘poor single gay guy all alone at the holidays’ attitude. Bitch. So while I’m shooting my ‘I’d turn straight before I‘d do you’ smile at the guy they produced, in my head I’m thinking, “Bitch, I’ve done your husband more times than he’s done you, so can the poor gay guy attitude or I’ll pull him outside and make him give me a blow job in your car.” See? Attitude. It’s the perfect holiday party gift.
As for the hostess gift, please: no flower arrangements. It just encourages the straight folks’ idea of what a gay man is, and then the rest of us have to deal with that shit. No reason though to get all worked up about what to bring, either a bottle of red or white wine will do nicely. If you really can’t stand the host and hostess, a rose’ is the way to go. Your straight acquaintances are all going to make wine-spritzers out of whatever you bring anyway.
The other mixed party you may end up attending during the holidays means you and a bunch of dykes. On this one you can skip the attitude, your presence alone (or more precisely the presence of your dick) will be enough to ruin the festivities for half of those in attendance. But smart lesbian party givers have grown to learn they need to invite a handful of gay guys to their fling. Lesbians always hold a pot luck. And left to their own devices, the only food would be tasteless bowls of vegan crap. Gays guys, on the other hand, will always turn up with something fabulous: their signature dish. Even gay guys who claim to be ‘straight acting’ have a signature dish. Some of us get bypassed on the show tune gene, but we all know how to cook at least one incredible meal.
And that is all you need bring to a lesbian’s holiday party. Unless they are also planning on doing a gift exchange. Then, anything in flannel will cover all possible bases. (I made the mistake once of wrapping up a strap-on as a joke and the resulting melee made the pepper-spray shoppers on Black Friday look reticent. Why is it if dykes hate real dick so much they all start dripping at the sight of a fake one?)
The difficult host gift decision, of course, is the one you bring to a holiday party full of gay men. Though I always assume just my presence is a gift beyond approach, I too still feel the need to bring along something that will make what everyone else brought look cheap, tacky, and unworthy. Or at least what all the queens brought. It’s an Xmas thing: watching old queens turn red in anger and green in jealousy is what makes my holidays bright.
Forget your signature dish. That’s the route everyone else will take. So save yourself from slaving over a hot oven all day. Alcohol is always a good choice. And I shouldn’t need to tell you name brand – preferably an expensive one – is a must for the hard stuff. If you bring wine make sure it’s a little know vintage that you can then casually mention is an amusing little wine you picked up last year while spending a few months in Tuscany. That’ll bring out the red and green holiday color scheme once again.
But if you really want to be the belle of the ball, head on over to wwww.lugez.com and order a penis luge. ‘Cuz nothing says, “Party!” like a gigantic, ice-cold shot dispensing frozen cock. Now this is a snowman everyone will want to get in front of. And behind. And under.
The Penis Ice Luge is a well hung ice sculpture that will surely make party goers open their mouths in amazement, or at least in recalling many fond memories of nights gone by. But Wait! There’s More! It’s not just an ice sculpture, but a drink server too! Just pour your favorite beverage at the hip (Vodka works best), and then drink from the tip. Come to think of it, this baby might liven up one of those straight parties you were invited to, too. Or at least it’ll help you identify which of the straight guys might be interested in spending some quality time with you out in his wife’s car.
Making my list and checking it twice: yup, managed to offend straights, dykes, and queens all in one post . . . my holiday shopping is almost done!
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