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morning wood

Huh. And I always thought it meant he loved me . . .

Morning wood is nature’s way of reminding us what is truly important in life; it’s a pretty common event in a typical guy’s day. Well, most days anyway. While blood is coursing through your veins attempting to jump start your brain, it’s not unusual to find that your little brain already beat you to it. Waking up to discover you’ve sprouted a stiffy is a glorious way to greet the day. Waking up to discover the guy sleeping next to you has sprouted a stiffy is even better.

A hard dick almost always makes you think of sex. Except when it comes to morning wood. If it’s his, you still think of sex. If it’s yours, you think about how badly you need to pee. Or possibly that the double dose of Viagra last night wasn’t that good of an idea. It is a common myth that morning erections are caused by a full bladder. Turns out that’s not true.

Yup, it smells like science to me.

You may call it morning wood, morning glory, or pitching a tent, but the scientific community calls it nocturnal penile tumescence or NPT. It’s a healthy and normal physiological response that most men experience during sleep. In fact, on average a healthy male will have between three and five – or more – erections during a full night’s sleep, with each erection lasting between 25 -35 minutes.

morning wood

Morning erections are technically night time erections. Those sleepy super stiffies occur during Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, although men older than sixty years may have them during even non-REM sleep. The REM stage of sleep is very different from other stages of sleep. It is in the REM sleep stage where you dream. In addition to dreams, other things happen too: your extremities become somewhat paralyzed, your brain waves change, and you get an erection. Waking usually occurs after a session of REM sleep.

Men, regardless of age, get erections several times during the night during REM sleep. In the beginning of your night’s rest, you cycle through sleep stages fairly rapidly, about every 90 minutes. But as your body relaxes you spend less time in the more restful stages of sleep and more time in REM sleep. This means that after 7 or 8 hours of sleeping, a large part of your time is in REM sleep. That’s why you often wake up from a dream with a hard-on. Morning erections are the tail end of a series of night time erections. And now you know what Lionel Ritchie was singing about when crooning All Night Long.

Thanks to scientists, we know why though hardly awake you’re already hard in the morning: you spent your night dreaming about dick. If that were the end of the phenomenon, we’d all just get busy chopping wood, and an hour later be ready to start the day. Unfortunately along with a stiff lower lip, on many mornings we also have an urgent need to pee. Balancing morning wood and the need to urinate is not an easy task for men. Or for scientists.

morning wood

The men in white coats who favor a direct approach claim it’s all about urine retention. Your body spent the night filling the uretha with urine and therefore engorging the penis . Some schools of thought claim morning wood is your body’s way of preventing accidental bed-wetting. Detractors claim this is a false assumption because your body has many other methods of promoting elimination.

While most scientists agree that morning wood is a beneficial physiological effect of an erection inhibiting urination, thereby helping to avoid nocturnal enuresis, some claim that morning wood is just a reflex erection. Their explanation is that the nerves that control a man’s ability to have a reflex erection are located in the sacral nerves of the spinal cord. A full bladder is known to stimulate nerves in the same region, and voila: you get a raging hard on. And really, really, really need to piss.

morning wood

And there’s the rub. Or the inability to enjoy a good rub because your back teeth are floating. Why you get morning wood isn’t quite as important as what to do with it when your bladder is full. Sure your little buddy standing at attention kept you from flooding the bed, but he also does his damnedest to keep you from experiencing a satisfying morning piss. At least without hitting yourself in the eye.

It’s nice that you can actually pee through a hard on; you do not have to wait to go soft before marking your morning spot. What’s not so nice is that your stiffy makes aiming hard (yes, pun intended). Peeing while sporting the mother of all erections can be a hit or miss proposition. Literally. When your morning wood points in one direction and the toilet is in another, you have but a few options (assuming you are not willing to just let it flow wherever it wants).

The less manly men among us opt for a girly approach and sit on the can. Sure it works, but it’s a pretty shameful way to start your day. And for those of us who mother nature has blessed, it means your little head is gonna start the day a few inches under water.

The brute force method is preferred by those who always demand to get their way. Bending your morning wood to your will (i.e. firmly grasping your erection and forcing it downward) won’t work in all cases. Bending your shaft may constrict the flow of urine, which kinda defeats the whole purpose. Also, using force may not be a good idea because you could break something down there. And then you are truly fucked: hard, gotta pee, and your dangle’s angle is suddenly pointing east.

morning wood

Good Morning Sunshine!

Your best bet is to step back and consider the problem. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet. Lean forward supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet, take aim, and let her rip. This method has the side benefit of tightening your abs. So now that your bladder is empty and your gut is in check you’ll be an even more impressive sight when you wander back to bed and help your partner deal with his case of morning wood.

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