Those of us who have been blessed by the gods are not concerned about shrinkage; with an inch or two to spare, smaller is but a relative term. For the rest of humanity, having your little buddy shrink beyond its normal size can be traumatic. Unfortunately, it’s unavoidable at times.
In an infamous episode of Seinfeld, George had a shrinkage problem. Not a surprise. The man’s overall stature would lead you to believe that a disappearing act of any size would be a disastrous event for him. That it was caused by nothing more than a dip in the pool was no surprise either. At least to men. Why is it that something as innocuous as water can have such a momentous effect on such an important part of our bodies? Isn’t water supposed to make things grow?
Smells like science to me.
And, yup, there is a scientific explanation for the phenomenon. Not that that makes it any easier to swallow (though I guess it does, in fact, make it easier to swallow.)
The truth is that cold water – or long exposure to any temperate water – can make even the biggest soldier retreat from battle. I know you’ve heard of taking a cold shower when you get aroused to kill the urges. Well this is what happens to a man in a swimming pool, too. That’s because, in case you’ve never noticed, your little head has a mind of its own. It likes to do its own thing. And it doesn’t answer to your big head, it answers to a part of the nervous system that’s not always under your conscious control. This is called the autonomic, or sympathetic, nervous system, which also regulates heart rate and blood pressure. Drogo Montague, MD, a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic says that your penis is “kind of a barometer of the sympathetic nervous system.”
So the greeting, “How’s it hanging?” is more apt than you might have known.
To your little buddy, it’s a matter of survival. He wants to be safe, warm and dry. Hop in the pool for long and your hot dog will turn into a Vienna Sausage because your nerves get cold and your mini-me loses sensation. It shrinks up like a frightened child in the dark. Just like with the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz, throw a bucket of cold water on your little wizard and he’ll scream, “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking!”
But there is some good news on the pool shrinkage front. Fashion designer Andrew Christian is concerned about your rep and wants to make sure that the cold doesn’t get your little buddy down. His company has introduced The Shock Jock Flirt Underwear with Male Features. The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief feature a soft hidden cup that not only adds inches onto your frontal measurement but also is sculpted with a penis shape to give you an anatomically correct look no matter how cold you are or how wet you got your buddy. The wonder bra for your wondrous bro, it cuts down on the potentially embarrassing moment when you step out of the pool and ‘no adjustment’ is required.
For those who don’t have much to work with in the first place, ensuring their pride and joy doesn’t become a cause for shame is priority #1. In addition to a soaking, there are numerous outside influences that can make your dick become a dickette. There are also several warnings about causes of shrinkage that just don’t measure up – or take away inches either.
An urban myth that never seems to run out of steam is that the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew, makes a molehill out of your mountain. A) This is false; and, B) you were probably born that way, so quit looking for something else to blame. The key to this myth is the large quantities of a dye called Yellow No. 5 in the soda, a food coloring that allegedly has nasty effects on one’s manhood.
Yellow No. 5, also known as tartrazine, is an FD&C coloring dye commonly used to give various foods a bright lemon yellow color. It has long been deemed safe by the Food and Drug Administration. It has also been in use since 1916, so if it were shrinking penises across the country, you’d probably have heard something more than rumors about it by now. Many other common food products contain Yellow No. 5 as well, so more than just Mountain Dew drinkers would notice the effect if it were real.
So there’s the myth buster about your buster: Mountain Dew does not make your dick shrink. Unless you chill it first and then pour it on your muscle of love.
An equally erroneous claim having to do with your most important erogenous zone is that masturbation causes tiny dick syndrome. Also untrue. It’s just that all that hair on your palm makes your dick look smaller. But the religious right – as well as Ayurvediccure.com, an on-line marketer of herbal remedies and supplements for Men (wink, wink) – claim masturbation is not good for you, or good for your size either. According to them, too much flogging results in Mr. Happy shrinking away to nada.
And their version of science provides two ‘facts’ to support this theory. First, is that masturbation requires the brain to dispel a lot of energy for its performance. When your brain continuously keeps supplying energy for your jerking sessions, there is nothing to give it that energy back. In medical terms, such wastefulness of energy is called as atrophy. The atrophy will set up in your organ over time if you masturbate excessively, which will lead to its reduction in size.
Yeah, I know. Sounds like Michele Bachmann trying to argue the best way to wipe out unemployment is to dump minimum wage laws. More scare tactics – from the company trying to sell you a pill, not the bat crazy bitch trying to sell you her brand of hatred – warn too much of a good thing is dangerous too. They go on to state that if you slam your salami too often, “there is a very great likelihood that you will not be able to get an erection during the actual act.”
If you thought the first way flogging your noodle causes your organ to shrink was bad enough, wait till you read this one. “When a man masturbates, he is physically jerking the organ. This can cause physical damage to the reproductive organ, since it is made up of nothing but spongy tissue. Abrasions could occur, and there could be scar tissue. Every such episode causes some kind of damage to the organ. Over time this would heal, but by then some more tissues could get internally damaged.”
“At least in this case, it is more damaging than actual contact sex. The reason is, while doing it, there is more physical movement of the organ. Remember that there is no lubrication in it, which in actual sex the vaginal tract provides all the necessary lubrication. That’s nature’s way of protecting the organ during sexual episodes. But this natural protection is not present in it, which increases the likelihood of damages, causing scar tissues.”
Abrasions? Scars? When did we segue into SM? And has the religious right never heard of Astroglide? Just when you start thinking these folk are total nut jobs, they put one false claim to rest: “It is a superstition that masturbation can cause warts on the palms of your hand.”
Whew! Thank the gods. But then they also never know when to quit when they are ahead: “ … but it is a strongly indicated fact that it can cause calluses on the organ itself. If that happens, the organ will not be able to gain its full erection, and will also lean over to one side, causing curvature.”
Calluses of the dick? Really? OMG! Uh, do they have a pill to prevent that? Of, course they do. Or you can rely on the old-fashion method of prayer.
Despite now knowing how damaging beating your meat can be, and now possibly being more worried about injury and callouses to your pint-sized friend, the original concern about your Lincoln Log turning into a Tootsie Roll is still problematic. And there are a few things that can cause this tiny problem. For real.
The Marlboro man may be a masculine hunk, but his hunk is probably more of a pint-sized pinto. Turns out not only does smoking (tobacco) cause lung cancer, but it has a negative effect on your Cohiba, too.
It all has to do with the damage smoking causes to your vascular system, and the penis is one big – or, possibly in your case, small – vascular system. Smoking decreases arterial blood flow and causes vascular restriction. For size queens, that’s bad. Light up too often and the light of your life shrinks over time. Smoking after sex may mean the next time you have sex you’ll have less to work with. And according to the International Journal of Impotence Research., “Men who smoke often have lower quality erections.”
Sounds like a new photo series for those warning pictures the Thai government requires on all cigarette packages is in order to me.
But smoking isn’t the only habit than can turn your baby boy into a hobbit. Ecstasy, a popular party drug, is also known to bring your party up short. Ecstasy is a tactile drug that is often taken at raves or dance clubs; users report they feel the music more and enjoy the sense of a loving community created by the drug’s effects.
The average duration of the full mind-altering effects of Ecstasy is about three to four hours. Ecstasy is a stimulant that increases brain activity and triggers a mass release of dopamine and serotonin – the neurotransmitter responsible for regulating mood, sleep patterns, memory, perception of pain, appetite and libido – it induces a sense of euphoria followed by a feeling of calm. Most users claim it makes them feel more sociable and increases their awareness of their surroundings, often in a sensual, uninhibited and childlike manner.
Sounds good so far, so what’s the problem?
After ingesting Ecstasy, immediate side effects can include nausea, dry mouth, and raised blood pressure. Large doses of the drug can cause anxiety, panic and confusion, and trigger psychosis, depression and dissociation. All side effects one can live with. But, the real scare is that most men report shrinkage of the penis and more effeminate feelings of openness and sensuality, rather than lustiness.
Yikes! Tiny dick and femming out, too! Surely there is a cure?
Some men, in order to counteract the penis-shrinking effects, sometimes buy a “trail mix”; a potentially dangerous combination of Viagra and Ecstasy, which can lead to priapism; an erection that remains rigid.
Well, that’s bad news. And I was just considering that passing a pill over to a straight boy could turn him gay for the night. But then even though he’d be willing, his willy wouldn’t be of note. And who wants to spend the end of their evening in an emergency room? I guess mind-altering drugs may not be the way to go, especially if you want to place in the class for show.
Of course some men of shorter stature don’t need an illegal substance to develop tiny dick syndrome. Their brains naturally provide a ride on the It’s A Small World attraction. In China and South-East Asia a well documented syndrome is a belief that your penis has been stolen, or that your penis is shrinking into the body. In some cases, guys believe that their dick is shrinking so much that it can be fatal. This neurosis is called Koro.
Most victims of Koro complain about acute attacks of genital shrinkage. Each episode usually lasts several hours, though the duration can be as long as two days. There are cases in which koro symptoms persist for years.
Koro is a culture-specific syndrome where a man believes his fortune cookie is retracting or shrinking, with fear that the organ will soon disappear. Though the syndrome is rooted in China and found mostly in Southeast Asia, rare and isolated cases of koro are found in people of non-Chinese ethnicity worldwide; mass hysteria of genital-shrinkage have been reported in African nations. Not that men from that region of the world have much to be fearful of.
Among the Chinese, koro is primarily confined to South China. A 1992 study of koro suggests that in the epidemic area of China, victims are mostly Han, young, single, poorly educated and fearful of supernatural forces. And koro. The phenomenon is also found among overseas Chinese in Southeast Asia, especially Malaysia and Indonesia, but koro epidemics have been reported in Thailand and India, involving masses of non-Chinese people.
A koro epidemic struck Singapore in October 1967 for about ten days. Newspapers initially reported that some people developed koro after eating the meat of pigs inoculated with anti-swine-flu vaccine. Rumors relating eating pork and koro spread after a further report of an inoculated pig dying from penile retraction. There were 97 cases reported in just one day at one hospital. Government and medical officials alleviated the outbreak via public announcements over television and in the newspapers, their own version of It Gets Better PSAs.
An epidemic outbreak in November 1976 in Northeast Thailand caused at least 350 Thais to think their dicks were on the wan. Popular opinion and news media claimed the epidemic was caused by Vietnamese food and tobacco poisoning in a hideous assault against the Thai people. Another large-scale epidemic in Thailand occurred in 1982. In the same year a similar outbreak occurred in Northeast India. Sporadic cases of people with non-Asia ethnicity have been reported across the globe, including Nepal, Sudan, Jordan, Tanzania, Nigeria, France, Britain, America, and Canada.
In some cases koro sufferers only complain about shrinkage. In others the symptoms include retraction – wherein your outie becomes an innie – alteration of penis shape, and loss of penile muscular tone ( a fancy way of saying your puppy no longer sits up, but just wants to play dead instead.) In China, where koro has a strong cultural link with traditional beliefs, victims often feel the problem will result in their death.
Extremely anxious sufferers often resort to physical methods to prevent their teeny weeny from disappearing completely. Some perform manual or mechanical penile traction, or “anchoring” by a loop of string or some clamping device. Physical injury is inevitable. But then man has been known to go to great lengths to achieve great lengths; you’d expect the same amount of effort to be expended to not lose what ya already got.
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