According to the recently published book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, straight men have a fondness for large dicks. Not between their own legs (though no man has ever complained that his was too big) but rather when drooling over pix of huge peni on the internet. Coauthors and neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam researched current internet habits, pouring over the results of a billion Web searches and millions of websites, porn videos, online erotica and personal ads to come to this, among other, startling conclusion. At least they were surprised by the result. I’ve always held that for straight guys, if they’ve run out of fish, beef will do.

The researcher’s systematic investigation of exactly what kind of adult material people search for when they’re online showed the interests of gay men and straight men were a lot alike – at least from a certain point of view. That would be a view of below the belt. They found overwhelmingly that all men search for penises almost as often as they search for vaginas. They also discovered about a thousand heterosexual sites dedicated to large penises, and that large penises are a category of erotica in all the major porn video sites.

I conducted my own far less exhaustive research by using ‘big dicks’ as a search phrase on Google. And was surprised by the results. First, Google blew it by not displaying a picture of me under Images. Take that as you will. Second, of the 11 results on the first page, 5 of the sites listed were specifically for straight guys and only one for gay men. So maybe their study was a bit faulty. It appears that love for big dick is not equal among straight and gay guys; straight men like big dick more than their gay brethren do. Though evidently not as much as black chicks love big dicks. I had no idea there were that many sites devoted to black ladies who like to live life large. But that’s a different story. And once again I digress . . .

The authors, being women and not really knowing dick about dick, concluded the reason straight guys search for dick on the internet has a evolutionary basis. And spout a bunch of nonsense about the desire to reproduce. Ladies, guys don’t search for porn on the internet because they want to make babies. It’s all about an orgasm, not about putting one in your oven. That’s your fantasy, not ours.

Among the other numerous faulty statements they include in their book, is this one: “The penis functions as a sperm competition cue. That is a very specific hard-wired cue for men to trigger arousal — basically if a man has a reason to think that a woman recently had sex with another man it makes him more aroused and the penis must play a role in that.”

Huh? Sounds like sloppy seconds to me. I may not be straight, but I’ve had enough sex with straight guys to know the idea that some other guy just filled their bitch with cum juice is not a turn on. They like ‘em fresh. That’s why they all have a thing for virgins. Al-Qaeda would never get suicide bombers and jihadists to sign up if they promised 72 women who’d just been done by Abdul. Sorry ladies, 1 + 1 = 2, but straight guys searching for big dick on the internet does not equal a desire for used fish. Vini, Vedi, Vici was misinterpreted. What Caesar really said was, “I came, I saw, I shot all over her face.” And ‘Et tu, Brute’ wasn’t the offer, “You want a shot at this too?”

By tracking surfing habits, Ogas and Gaddam discovered that an interest in large breasts was what would be expected: lots and lots of searches. But they also found some unexpected trends. “Men prefer overweight women to underweight women. There are almost three times as many searches for fat women as there are for skinny women,” says Ogas. ”If the choice is between a woman with a few extra pounds or a few less pounds, most guys will choose more pounds”.

Down boys. That was from studying straight guys’ search preferences. Gay guys do not prefer fatties. In the female or male version. But it seems we do like twinks. Says Olgas, “The biggest interest among gay guys is “twinks,” which are basically teens.” Well, okay, close. But no big cigar, either. Though the pedo world likes teens, there are numerous gay guys who like twinks . . . still young, still thin in build, but beyond their formative years. You would think as researches you’d at least figure out what the words you use actually mean to the people who use them.

A bigger surprise was the age of women that straight men search for. “As expected, the dominant preference was for young women as close to the teen years as possible, but to our surprise there was also very substantial interest in older women in their 40s, 50s, even in their 60s and 70s,” Olgas reports. “In fact, there’s a particular genre of porn called “granny porn,” which is just like it sounds. Though it’s not nearly as popular as teen porn, it’s one of the 50 most popular interests among men”

Yuk. But then that could be good news for aging drag queens.

The researchers wrote a computer program to capture sexual queries in publicly listed catalogs of Web searches. They later categorized the searches and did some number crunching. They estimate that their study reflects the online behavior of 100 million people.

There are limitations to this mode of sex research, though. The results reflect people’s fantasies – not necessarily sexual acts that they engage in. But then a lot of sex is about fantasy; and guys, regardless of their sexual preference, fantasize about the same things. Ogas reports, “Their sexual behaviors and interests online are virtually identical; straight men’s sexual interest parallels gay men’s sexual interest. For example, there are overweight women, which are called BBWs in straight porn; in gay porn there are “bears,” which are big, burly guys. Just like there are MILFs for straight men, there are DILFs for gay men. There are “grannies” for straight men and “grandpas” for gay guys. . The body parts most preferred by both are chests, butts and feet. And both gay guys and straight guys love penises.”

Yup, that we do. By the way, ‘bears’ dear ladies, are big and burly. And hairy. You forgot hairy. That’s kinda important to bear hunters.

And for those of you who are trying to figure out those acronyms, like I was, I already Googled them for you:

BBW: Big Beautiful Woman ( a nice way to say fat, either coined by a woman, or a straight guy who was trying to make his taste in fatties sound more appealing to his buddies)

MILF: Moms I ‘d Like to Fuck (That’s sick.)

DILF: Dads I’d like to Fuck (That’s sic … oh, wait a minute. There is that guy who lives . . .)

The book also tracks on-line search histories, which are often quite humorous (well, to the rest of us). Consider this snapshot of one man’s America Online search history:

college cheerleaders

cheerleaders in Hawaii

pretty girls in bikinis

noooooooo

christian advice on lust.

Loved that he checked out all the eye candy before deciding to find out if doing so was a good thing or bad thing. I’ve no doubt his next search string was “Christian cheerleaders in Hawaii in bikinis.” Or maybe he just went with the more popular ‘big dicks’.

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