So many men, so few straight ones. Normally I use this category to point out the obvious gayness of hunks who claim to be straight. This week’s honoree unfortunately doesn’t get my gaydar pinging in the least bit. Even though the first time I saw him he was wearing mascara. Go figure. Hot after a straight boy once again, even though this one had on make-up.
Bored and with some mindless work I needed to accomplish, I recently watched the movie Burlesque on TV. I vaguely remembered when the movie came out in late 2010 it got lots of press in the gay blogosphere, though whether that was good press or bad I couldn’t remember. Many of you have probably already seen the movie because Cher is in it. I’ve never been into Cher. Or Judy, Liza, Barbra, Bette, or any of the other gay world icons. Not that they are not talented. But when you get down to it, they’re just fish who sing. If I’m gonna get all worked up into a lather, it’s going to be over a hot hunk, not an tragically ugly straight woman. Burlesque did not get good reviews from critics, but was a box office success raking in over $90 million worldwide, a nice reminder to studios to never underestimate the power of the gay dollar.
So I’m watching the movie and trying to figure out how Cher can sing without moving a single muscle in her entire face, wondering if someone checked with Madame Tussaud’s to make sure they were not missing one of their wax figures, when He appears on screen. In the aforementioned mascara and eye liner. And in a kinda Liza in Cabaret outfit (see, I’m aware, just not a fan). Incredibly cute, buff body, a killer smile, and eyes with a mischievous twinkle in them, maybe it’s Maybelline, but who knows? I was hooked. Cher’s plasticized face was quickly forgotten. Not that that horror was something I really wanted to dwell on anyway.
Cher has had so many face lifts that the combined effect has even pulled her tits back up above her navel. But that’s a good thing. She can donate all that excess skin to her daughter, Chastity, so that he can build a penis and finish transforming into a man. I saw Chaz on Bill Maher’s show last week, and he really does look like a dude. So he must have been one hell of an ugly woman. And you gotta love Bill for booking Chaz and Ann Coulter on the same show. It’s a shame Bill doesn’t believe in god because god would be giving him a high five for that one. But I digress. And you probably wish I hadn’t.
I was immediately in love, or at least in lust, trying to figure out how in the hell I’d managed to miss this hottie in the past. I had to watch the credits at the end of the flick to see who he was and then Googled him to get the goods on him too. The boy’s name is Cam Gigandet, and the reason I’d not heard of him before is even though he is almost 30 he’s primarily been cast in movies made for the 13 year-old pre-teen girl demographic. He was on TV in The O.C. and in the first Twilight movie.
You’d think with a smokin’ hot body like the boy has that he’d have become a star from being in Twilight. But instead they directed all the attention to that little gay boy Taylor. I know the Twilight franchise is supposed to be of the horror genre, but I think it is unbearably cruel that the movie’s producers set America’s prepubescent girls up to swoon in love over a guy who as soon as they know what sex is really all about will discover their first crush is a guy who has more interest in their boyfriend than in them. In any case, they made the right call with Cam. Realizing the under 12 fish-to-be set weren’t interested in a guy old enough to be their father they killed him off in the first movie. And featured the actor who wants to be their big sister instead.
Burlesque’s producers knew a hottie when they hired one though and knew they could score major points and save a bundle on wardrobe by making sure he wore as little as possible throughout the film. What? You thought I’d fall in lust over just a pretty face?
The premise of Burlesque is a bit strange. It is about a strip club on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, set in the present day, but offering entertainment from 1950 ala burlesque/pin-up queens. The movie’s drama comes from Cher, the club owner, facing a huge balloon payment on her mortgage because she fell for one of those interest only loans, which now she can not pay because she’s blown all her money on Botox injections. Other than that, and a lot of singing, it’s your typical Boy Meets Girl story.
In this case Boy Meets Girl, but she thinks he is gay because he wears eye make-up. They could have gone with the gay story and made a much better movie in my opinion, but instead Boy Gets Girl because he gets naked and offers her a cookie. And a glimpse of his cute little ass. And Amos becomes famous all over again. Then Boy Loses Girl because some other fish busts in and fucks the whole thing up as women all over the world have been raised to do from birth. After a brief gay interlude, because Stanley Tucci is in the movie and he’s Hollywood’s current go-to guy when you need to fill a middle-age slightly effeminate gay role, Boy Gets Girl back because she realizes no matter how hot Eric Dane is, he keeps all of his clothes on and Boy, who got naked, has an unbelievably cute butt – which I may have mentioned before – so it’s really no contest.
In the process of scoring Boy’s ass, Girl also saves Cher’s bar and her world so both she and her kid can afford their next rounds of plastic surgery. For some reason, which I think was none, the gay guy from Wham (no, the other one) had a bit part in the film too. Oh, and the Girl part is played by Christina Aguilera, which explains all the singing. And the face that once was Cher belts out a few tunes too.
Cam doesn’t sing in the movie, but does play the piano. And gets naked. Which explains $80 million of the money the movie took in. I’ve included a set of screen caps below – click to enlarge, repeat as necessary – that you can scroll through real fast to make it look like live action, or you could go to YouTube, search ‘Cam and Famous Amos’, and see the actual clip. The movie mistakenly went for a PG-13 rating so all you get to see is ass. But what an ass it is. Or did I already mention that?
It’s not just Cam’s ass that is cute, everything about him is adorable. The killer bod doesn’t hurt either. He’s not leading-man handsome, it’s more that his boyish charm draws you in. His appeal is about attitude as much as it is about male beauty; he just looks like someone who would be lots of fun to be around. Someone who would crack jokes in bed. Someone who you’d enjoy in the shower after sex as much as you did in bed during sex. If you have not seen Burlesque, check the movie out. The naked/cookie scene in its entirety is cute. And sexy. Even before his butt takes center stage.
I hope some other producer/director zeroes in on what a hottie Cam is and casts him in another movie soon. One with lots of nudity. Maybe Chi Chi LaRue will get the hint. So far, he’s only been in the aforementioned pre-teen girl movies and a few horror flicks, which is a complete waste of his
As far as the gaydar goes: nada. Cam has a longtime girlfriend who I’d love to suggest is a beard but seems to be real. And they just had a kid. A real one. Not one donated by the church like Tom Cruise’s. But that’s cool. The world needs straight guys too; their sons can become the gay boys of tomorrow.
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