Two weeks after she filed her candidacy papers, yesterday morning Congresswoman Michele Bachmann – aka that crazy bitch running for president. No the other one – officially launched her presidential campaign in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. Standing in front of her childhood home, Bachmann told Fox News, “that’s the kind of spirit that I have, too,” comparing herself to fellow former Waterloo resident John Wayne Gacy.
Finally a politician who tells the truth. And Ms. Bachmann’s distinct brand of craziness starts to make sense. Gacy was a serial killer who dressed up as a clown for children’s events and is responsible for raping and murdering at least 33 young boys during the 1970s. Born in Chicago, Gacy moved to Waterloo to work for his father-in-law and was sentenced to 10 years for sodomy while living in Bachmann’s hometown. He began his killing spree after his release, and his return to Illinois.
Bachmann continues to demonstrate her presidential chops and a cute knowledge of American history. After previously misidentifying where the American Revolutionary War began, today she showed that she didn’t know the difference between The Duke and a crazed kiddy rapist. Or the difference between her ass and a hole in the ground.
In an earlier speech Congresswoman Bachmann rewrote history again by stating that the founding fathers abolished slavery when the previous record held that at the time our country was born, by law, blacks weren’t considered people, but property. Some of the founding fathers were slave owners, including Thomas Jefferson who fathered children with one of his slaves, and George Washington who yanked nine teeth out of the mouth of one of his slaves so he could have dental implants for himself. (And why were we taught as children about George chopping down that damn cherry tree instead? The teeth thingy is a much better story.)
Since announcing her papers were in the mail two weeks ago, Bachmann’s star has risen quickly among
crazy tea party Republican voters. In a recent Rasmussen Reports poll Bachmann is favored for the country’s top spot by 19 percent of voters, in second place behind ‘Mitt For Brains’ Romney at 33 percent. The leading candidate was the ever popular Undecided. Bachmann’s rapid rise in popularity is due to her, uh, um, well, ok . . she, um,uh . . . wait ! I know! She was . . . oh, no, that wasn’t it, so, um, uh . . . . did you hear about the Gacy thing?
Meanwhile, fellow republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain has answered a burning question that has plagued white people across the land: What are we suppose to call you folk? In the 60s the politically correct term was black. Then African American became the correct term. Then, sometime in the late 90s, black started duking it out for supremacy once again. Over the last decade white America has been confused, unsure of which of the two is correct (except for Dr. Laura who stuck to the traditional ‘nigger’).
Cain has settled the question, providing liberals with the word on the word. It’s American Black. A patriotic term that the people formerly known as black can now claim, right up there with American Back Bear, American Black Duck, American Black Hereford, American Black Ale, and the ever popular American Black and Tan Coonhound. Cain, busy whipping up a pizza, had no comment on whether or not his country’s founding fathers owned slaves.