Who’da thunk that ‘Out This Week’ would become a recurring post? But then who’da thunk we’d have spent the last five days talking about a Congressman’s penis? Yeah, I know, other than the penis part, there’s nothing gay about the story, but it does qualify as a coming out tale in its own right. Unless you spent the weekend with your head buried between Lindsay Lohan’s thighs, I’m sure you’ve already heard about Rep. Weiner’s rise to the tip of the news cycle.
Regardless of whatever drugs it was you ingested that made you think, “I’m going to become a politician” if your last name is Weiner, you know that there is going to be a penis scandal sometime in your future. It’s not like it’s a proud name with a long historical record, Weiner should have changed his name before entering the political fray. A simple circumcision, a quick snip of the last two letters, and Rep. Wein would not be facing all the puns he is today. Or if size matters, he could have changed it to Winner; trust me the caption ‘Winner’s Penis’ accompanying that meaty photo would have had a much more positive effect on his political career.
Politicians in this country are too far removed from the voter base. President Obama looked like a fool this week sipping a mug of beer when everyone knows you chug beer, not sip it. Sarah Palin, on her magical mystery tour, sat down to a pizza dinner to show her affinity with the common folk, and pulled out a knife and fork to eat it with. Come on Sarah, it’s pizza. You should have been deep throating that slice like it was the first dude’s dude.
And our beloved Tony the Dick ignored the example set by what is becoming a long list of male rappers showing their tunes, turning to Twitter to show off his best feature and blew it: Dude, you do not peter tweet a photo of your little buddy dressed in a pair of cheap J.C. Penny’s boxer briefs. I mean it looks like you could give Chris Brown a run for his money shot, no reason to be shy when you’re packing something like that. But then not having the balls to let it all hang out is a problem the entire Democratic party seem to have. They come up with some good ideas, but just can’t commit 100% to the effort and end up looking like a bunch of limp dicks.
Some stupid French woman on Bill Maher’s panel last week said that once again Europe is laughing at us thanks to our most recent political penis scandal. First, the French have no right to laugh at anyone. More importantly, thinking the issue at hand is all about dick is wrong; Europeans just don’t understand the American political process. We are quickly coming up on a presidential election year and the Democrats and Republicans are jockeying for position. Weiner’s peter tweet was not an accident, nor was its release by happenstance. The Democrats were putting their best foot-long forward, raising the stakes on a political move started by the Republican party.
Weiner was going chest to chest with Republican Congressman Chistopher Lee who already made the news by posting a shirtless photo of himself on Craig’s List. While both of the New York Reps like to think they sport nicely ripped chests, the powers that be were not sure that Weiner’s would win the day so they upped the ante by having him also post a picture of his monster, a savvy political move that must be hard to beat. Give it a week or so, the Republican Party is sure to respond with an even more massive effort and Herman Cain’s inclusion as a possible Republican presidential candidate will suddenly make sense. It was, after all, Republican President Teddy Roosevelt who advised, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
Both parties prefer dirty politics, hence their use of cyber world porn pix to further their candidates’ agendas. Leaked photos sent to dubiously aged women will always get the most press. Taking the high road, Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock showed off his six pack on the cover of June’s Men’s Health magazine and even though his is a much more smokin’ bod, with no scandal involved, his efforts went largely ignored. Mainstream beefcake just doesn’t cut it in American politics.
Meanwhile, Sarah Palin outted herself as a blithering idiot this week. Once again. She’s been touring the New England states on a bus and attempted a bit of political one upmanship of her own. Noting that President Obama got good press while visiting England, and figuring it was but a short bus trip away, she contacted former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher to schedule her own version of pressing the flesh (Sarah is anti-gay and didn’t want to have anything to do with some damn queen, turning instead to a British politician she felt had a big of set of balls as hers). Lady Thatcher’s aides nipped that idea in the bud, stating, “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.”
Moving away from the story of a big dick, and beyond the congressional penis record too, there is a real gay coming out story to report this week. Kinda. The word from Perez Hilton, a blogger respected all around the world for his high standards of journalistic integrity, is that now that everyone knows True Blood’s Sookie Stackhouse is a fairy, one of her male costars is planning on making the same claim in real life. Hunky Ryan Kwanteen, whose cute ass plays Sookie’s brother Jason on the show, is set to make the big announcement that he is gay. I wouldn’t kick the hot little Aussie out of bed, but there are numerous other Hollywood Ryans I’d rather see join our team.
Ryan Seacrest is almost there; even his girlfriend thinks he’s gay. But then I would kick Ryan Seacrest out of bed. Ryan Phillippe is inching closer to gaydom having dumped Reese Witherspoon (and seriously, could you find a more obvious beard?). Thanks to type casting, Ryan played gay on TV back before it was a popular career move. More recently he starred in Stop Loss with previous Gay of the Week honoree Channing Tatum in which Chan, and his penis, and Ryan Phillippe spend a lot of time gazing into each other’s eyes with passion, then get into a fight and have this dialogue:
Ryan: You wanna fuck me?
Channing: No… Kinda.
And we are all waiting for Ryan Reynolds to make his big announcement. Ryan played gay in the movie The Nines, and played straight in real life by marrying Scarlett Johansson (because the more obvious beard, Reese Witherspoon was already taken). But he’s traded in the color red for a run at the pink, being voted the celebrity gay guys would most likely cheat on their partner with in a sex survey conducted by Out Magazine. Ryan blew away the competition, winning hands down (and up, and down, and up and down . . .)
Even straight guys want a piece of Ryan’s ass. A Facebook fan group, “I’d Go Gay for Ryan Reynolds” has been in existence since 2006. It’s a site dedicated to straight guys who swear they are not gay, but would drop to their knees in a second to pay homage to Ryan.
But beggars can’t be choosers so for now we’ll have to wait with baited breath for Kwanteen to lead the Ryan pack out of the closet. Though admittedly this may be nothing more than Hollywood hype with the new season of True Blood just weeks away. Series producer Alan Ball has made sure that Ryan took care of his gay fans over the last three seasons by frequently appearing nude in the show. That trend should continue in the new season.
Though Ball plays loose with the storyline from the Sookie Stackhouse novels, from last season’s events it appears that he will remain true to Jason’s story and we can expect to see Kwanteen’s character being bit by a werepanther this season, turning into a furry little naked ball of hotness himself. Ooops. Was I suppose to provide a Spoiler Alert before I said that? My bad.