Thanks to science we now have proof that cum and porn are good for your mind, body, and soul. A study by psychologists at the State University of New York (SUNY) at Albany found the junk in semen might be nature’s own antidepressant. Yup, spunk just might make you a bit spunkier. The researchers found that the hormones in jisim have a mood-boosting effect. The study also reports that for men, watching porn is evolutionarily natural and good for you, allowing porn addicts to now claim their obsession is just part of their daily health regime.

The study asked 293 sexually active college students about their sexual histories and each took the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI), a widely used measure of depression symptoms. Students who preferred unprotected sex scored lower levels of depression symptoms than those who usually used condoms, as well as those who only masturbated, indicating that the physical act of sex itself wasn’t the mood-boosting factor. Though if done right, it too will usually put a smile on your face.

The science of jizz is that semen is a complex mixture of different compounds; sperm actually only makes up a small amount of it. When you remove the sperm, what’s left is seminal plasma, a fluid that contains a bunch of ingredients, including estrogen, prostaglandins and oxytocin. Estrogen and prostaglandins have been linked to lower levels of depression, while oxytocin promotes social bonding. These and other compounds in semen could function to make your sexual partner happier, and keep coming back for more.

Gordon Gallup, Jr., a psychologist at SUNY Albany and lead author of the study, says that jiz not only makes a strangely potent antidepressant but can also turn its recipients into addicts. Gallup found the beneficial effects of semen result in many using sex as a form of self-medication, “It’s discovered after the fact that being inseminated has effects on mood, and they use sex to modulate their mood.”

The study also showed that men who use their imaginations to achieve orgasm shoot a load not nearly as potent than those who watch explicit porno movies. So sitting alone in a dark room, watching porn while jacking off may sound depressing, but your load will be filled with happy dust. So masturbation is not about you, it’s just prep work to make your next fuck buddy happy (not that you’ll ever meet your next fuck buddy if you are busy sitting alone in a dark room, watching porn while jacking off). In any case, a good fuck flick means a happy load and that explains the smile on the face of guys who eat their own little swimmers.

Man chowder is not only good for the mind, but at only 5 to 7 calories per load, is good for the body, too. Primarily water, cum contains trace amounts of almost every nutrient the human body uses and has higher amounts of commonly deficient minerals, such as potassium, magnesium, and selenium. A typical load of spunk contains 150 mg of protein, 11 mg of carbohydrates, 6 mg fat, and 3 mg cholesterol. It also provides 7% of the U.S. Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) of potassium and 3% of the RDA for copper and zinc. It also contains vitamin C, so it’s good for preventing colds. And much more fun than swallowing handfuls of multivitamins.

For those who want to be happy and healthy but just can’t find the time to bust a nut a dozen times a day, a group of Chinese inventors based in Jiangsu recently unveiled a new machine to cultivate the manjuice your body craves. Debuting at the Shanghai Medical Convention, the aptly named Sperm Collector, available on-line for a mere $2,800, features a cylinder pump which they claim feels just like ‘the real thing’. A bit more high-tech than the popular Fleshlight, the Sperm Collector can be adjusted to taste: tighter, looser, faster, and slower. Plus the height of the pump itself is adjustable. There’s also a screen that can play your favorite porn in a wide variety of file formats while the machine pumps the cum out of you. The Thais, of course, have had a much better version available for decades at the much cheaper price of only 1500 baht per use.

There is, however, a problem with being too happy. Getting rid of an over abundance of stored sperm in your possession can prove difficult. Especially if you intend to dispose of it in Oregon. House Bill 2478., ignoring the state’s motto ‘She Flies With Her Own Wings’, would make it a second degree Class C Felony to propel “a dangerous substance at another person.” That substance being semen flung out of sexual desire.

Evidently spunky gangstas in Oregon are a bit more into cum than those in the rest of the country as such behavior is part of a gang initiation ritual in the Beaver State. But thanks to diligent lawmakers, giving someone a pearl necklace may soon be illegal.

The proposed law is the result of an incident when a man threw his semen at a non-consenting adult at a Target store. Target is known for its hatred of gays, and evidently is also against sperm. Especially when it is flying about its aisles.

The man was convicted of assault, but lawmakers thought the crime should fall into the category of a sexual assault. ”The bodily fluid in question was not the same thing as throwing a coke at somebody,” said Republican Representative Scott Bruun during an interview about the bill. A pretty obvious statement, but necessary for Republican voters who need things spelled out: Coke, good. Cum cocktail, bad.

It should be noted, however, the wording of the bill clearly differentiates between those who are willing recipients and those who may be punked with spunk:

“For the purpose of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of the person or another person intentionally propels any dangerous substance at a victim who does not consent thereto.”

So it is still cool to shoot you wad at those waiting with baited breath or open mouths. Sneak semen attacks will land you in jail. At least in Oregon. San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors is considering a similar bill though their version makes such acts mandatory.

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