“Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. It looks like a hot dog that’s been left too long on the grill. The tip is hot-pink, singed, and shriveled. It appears angry. And it’s painful to view. My penis hurts just from looking at it. Movie stars tend to be vain, by nature and profession, but Chan—that’s what everyone calls him—does not mind one bit showing me his sad, withered wiener.”
Craig Marks, Details Magazine 2010
The 31-year-old actor/model/stripper/gay hunkster and his penis have been a source of lust and fascination ever since Chan was discovered on the streets of Miami and paid $400 to be Ricky Martin’s bitch in the music video She Bangs. Not one to rest on a gay Latino’s haunches, Chan hit the big time by baring his muscular physique, and his ass, for the homoerotic pages of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, followed by an appearance in the February 2002 issue of Out Magazine. (Pay attention now as we keep score of the ‘might be gay’ points; Ricky, A&F, Out . . . that’s 3 so far).
Of course straight guys have peni, too – though few have been banged by Ricky and stripped down for gay fans to oggle off to – but add in Chan and his penis’ staring role in The Eagle, a homoerotic film set in the SF leather bar of the same name, in which they play the beefy, scantily-clad master to Jamie Bell’s slave role before switching from top to bottom, master to slave, and my gaydar really starts pinging. (I didn’t see the movie and just assume I have the plot-line correct. Regardless, that’s #4)
Chan says of the BDSM epic with two male leads, two peni, and zero fish, “ I think Jamie had a lot of fun having me as a slave . . . he abused me. We’ve been having sex for a few years now.” Bell, who jumped hottie Hayden Christiansen in a previous movie, has more stature as an actor than he does in his real-life parts according to Tatum. “He’s really small. He’s a grower though”
Okay, in his interview he actually said ‘goer,’ tongued tied over the memory and not quite getting the term right. But come on, his college years were thanks to a football scholarship and his fame is not built on his acting chops but rather from being a delicious piece of eye candy, a role he embraces by adding “We have only four to six really talkie scenes in the entire movie.”
In the movie, the brooding twosome spend a lot of time gazing into each other’s eyes with passion, then get into a fight and start rolling around on the ground on top of each other, causing movie goers around the world to wail, ‘Why don’t they just kiss and get it over with?’ Much as the same reaction to his earlier film Step Up where Chan, his penis, and Damaine Radcliff spend a lot of time gazing into each other’s eyes with passion, then get into a fight and start dancing with each other.
More on point, the former male stripper and his penis are set to star in a movie directed by Steven Soderbergh – as soon as he is finished filming hot sex scenes between Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in his upcoming biopic about Liberace – that delves into the life of a veteran stripper who teaches a young dancer how to hustle on stage and off. (Um, I think that’s #5 and #6) Not a big stretch for Chan, and his penis, as both are famous for their true life adventure working at a male strip club in Florida back in the late 90’s when they were broke 18-year-old hotties. (#7)
Soderbergh says of the movie with the working title Magic Mike, “It was one of the best ideas I’d ever heard for a movie. It’s sexy, funny and shocking. We’re using Saturday Night Fever as our model, so hopefully we’re on the right track.” (Ping, ping, ping #8 . . . unless you’re one of the few who hasn’t come to the realization that Saturday Night Fever star John Travolta and his penis are gay).
Movie goers are throbbing in anticipation for release. Of the movie. Chan and his penis will be playing the Obi-Wan Kobe role to Alex Pettyfer’s Luke Skywalker, a beastly co-star choice and a bromance to look forward to. Adding pretty boy Pettyfer to the cast ratchets up the brain cell rating by half a point and the pink nippled shirtless hunkster rating by a few thousand. Like Chan and his penis, Alex tends to set the gaydar off ( and he’s almost legal now), to wit: he’s so damn adorable, a male model, he did the older/younger gay male thing with Neil Patrick Harris last year, and is British . . . probably the most damning evidence of all.
Chan, a one note actor lacking pitch, has numerous movies under his belt thanks to Hollywood producers knowing where his talents hang. Percentage-wise, movies in which he has appeared shirtless, at the very least, score 100%. Directors too seem to be enamored with Chan and his penis: a persistent rumor – which I’m proud to add life to – has it that on one film he and his director, of the male persuasion, were caught making out during a photo shoot. (Possibly just gossip, but what the hell: #9)
In the time honored Hollywood tradition of sham marriages, Chan and his penis said we do to Jenna Dewan in 2009. But Chan’s longest relationship is with buddy Adam Martingano who he works out with daily in Tatum’s personal gym (wink, wink). Martingano got to know Chan and his penis when the three of them worked together in the Florida-based Male Encounter stripper show, and are now BFFs, not unlike previous Gay of the Week Jake Gyllenhaal’s
romance relationship with David Modigliani, his best buddy from childhood. (And there’s #10, a perfect score . . . But wait! There’s more!)
Early shots of Chan and his penis dressed in nada but a pair of briefs surfaced after their initial rise of glory. The shots were taken during their college years by a nerdy gay fellow student who paid Chan $40 for the session. Now a blogger, the photographer recounts the meeting, ruing that he’d not convinced Tatum to go full monty. “I got the feeling he’s used to being ogled and enjoys it a little. I shot a few frames of him in a towel and then followed him down the hall to his room.”
”What do you want me to do?” Chan asked. “I’m not sure what kind of pictures you want. I just beat off an hour ago, though.”
So there’s bonus point #11, and little Chan failed to make his debut but rose to fame in the incident that elicited Tatum showing pix of his little friend to the appreciative interviewer from Details:
“While filming The Eagle, Tatum was pretend-soldiering one raw, wet October day in the Scottish Highlands. The action required him to wade in ice-cold water, which, despite a high-tech wetsuit, could be withstood for only a few minutes. “The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”
Tatum was rushed to the nearest hospital—an hour away—and a team of doctors salved and bandaged his wound. “I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis,” he says proudly.
“It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life,” he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member. “I’m good . . . now,” he says with a grin.”
Good? I’d go so far as to say mighty fine . . .