Over a week has passed and we can finally move on from the important news of Osama bin Laden getting some radical eye surgery compliments of the USA and get to the good stuff: Navy SEAL Team Six, the hot gay hunksters responsible for his death. I’d considered them for a Gay of the Week honor, but that was just too obvious. Besides, the country is enamored with these buff boys right now and accolades are already being piled high on their chiseled chests.

A ribbon, a medal, a nation’s thanks, all nice but probably not quite as satisfying as the appreciation shown by Brain Shubin, COO of IFL. Inc. “We want to thank the Navy SEALs for their efforts,” he said. “For their courage, and the fact that they risked their lives to protect our freedom, we hope they will appreciate our gifts.”

The company sent the SEAL team a case of their Fleshlight products – the world’s number one selling sex toy – though no mention was made of whether the Mouth or Butt models were selected for military use. Knowing the SEAL fondness for rigorous training, they may have opted for the Fleshlight STU (Stamina Training Unit), ‘specifically designed to replicate the incredible sensation of sex to help you find your rhythm and obtain peak sexual performance’. Because practice does makes perfect.

A Fleshlight, by the way, is pretty much what it sounds like it is. Looks like a flashlight, feels like certain fleshy body parts. On the company’s website you can build your own, patterned after your loved one’s best features. Don’t ask, don’t tell, just Google it.

I hired a former SEAL once as a security consultant for a residential property I managed. His suggestion was to embed broken glass bottles on top of the perimeter walls to prevent intruders’ entrance into the community. Not quite the right ambiance for a large condominium in downtown Honolulu, but his dreamy muscles made up for his lack of finesse; his fine ass worth every penny I paid him.

Some may object to my claim the SEAL team is gay. Some may say there is nothing gay about the SEALs. Uh, right. Gym-toned bodies, contracted to be constantly surrounded by nothing but other extremely hot dudes, in the navy (wink, wink), not to mention being proudly referred to as seamen . . . seems to me there’s an obvious fondness for the color pink amongst their ranks. But don’t take my word for it. According to Bruce Bagemihl’s seminal 1999 book, a preference for male flesh is quite prevalent among SEALs. He describes a typical male on male tryst between two SEALs in his book:

“Two males embrace and mount each other in the water, continuously twisting and writhing about one another while maintaining full body contact. Rolling can become quite vigorous as the two spiral synchronously underwater and at the surface, sometimes gently mouthing or biting each other’s neck, chasing each other, yelping and snarling, blowing streams of bubbles underwater, or slapping the surface of the water. One male usually has an erection, and the bout of courtship typically ends when he mounts the other male, grasping him from behind and maintaining this position for up to 3 minutes. The two males may also take turns mounting each other.”

(Okay, I haven’t a clue what ‘Phoca vitulina’ is, probably a gay sex act I have yet to discover, but there’s the scientific proof.) And moving on . . .

The whack jobs fronting for the religious right nutters – AKA The Republican Party – on FOX News have been busy this week trying to convince the nation that taking out Osama is all thanks to the hard work of George Bush The Sequel. Rowe, Rice, and the rest of the Cheney cheerleading squad have made numerous appearances all over the . . .well, at least on one channel. Nice to see the old gang on TV again. I miss the good old days when you could hate the President for what he did instead of for the color of his skin or where, when, and how he was born. Simpler times, simpler minds.

But President Obama’s role in the affair, as minimal as it evidently was, is not being ignored. His ratings have soared to an all-time high now that he finally showed he has a pair of balls – besides those hanging from Michelle’s strap on – and this week, Hero Builders, a Connecticut-based company, released their fierce-looking ‘Rambama’ Obama SEAL Team 6 action figure, a muscular President in fatigues armed with an M1-A4.

Ya gotta love America.