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Gauguin

Paul Gauguin strikes a pose.

Like many famous artists, Paul Gauguin’s sexual orientation has often been questioned. From his relationship with Van Gogh, which ended with a loss of an orifice, to his homoerotic musings in his book of fantasized memories, Noa Noa, one of the modern world’s original expats holds a firm place in the rosy-pink world of queerdom. Recently, proof of his personal crusade to further the homosexual agenda has come to light.

At the beginning of the month, CIA Agent* Susan Burns, attempted to confiscate the proof, “Two Tahitian Women”, a painting by Gauguin valued at 80 million dollars that features two women and a trifecta of tropical titties, from the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C.

Gauguin's fruit

The paintng Lesbians of Papetee, sometimes known as Two Tahitian Women.

“He has two women in the painting and it’s very homosexual.,” said Agent Burns. “I feel that Gauguin is evil. He has nudity and is bad for the children.”

Burns was tackled by a museum patron while attempting to make a warrantless seizure of the 112 year-old painting which was protected by a transparent acrylic shield, cushioning the blow she struck with her fist at the lesbian couple depicted in the painting who refused to cover themselves.

Burns utilized all the resources of the CIA in uncovering the homosexual angle of the canvas, noting the big tip off was the painting’s large bowl of fruit. Showing that the CIA is still at the top of its game, Burn’s research somehow missed Gauguin’s painting Pape Moe – which he said was inspired by a man on man relationship he had with a young local living with him in Tahiti – as well as his statement, “I must confess that I am myself a woman.”

Gauguin's golden shower

Gauguin’s gay inspired Pape Moe AKA Mysterious Water

* In her official After Action Report, Agent Burns noted, “I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.”

Susan Burns

Burns, 53, in a mug shot taken in 2006 while working undercover as a carjacker.