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Chao Mae Tuptin Shrine

Where can you go in Bangkok to see some 500 dicks on display? Nope, not the Soi Twilight bars’ Big Cock shows. You’ll only get to see about 50 at a time there. For a pure mass of wooden woodies, head over to the Swissotel Nai Lert Park (formerly a Hilton) on Wireless Road for a visit to the Chao Mae Tuptin Shrine.

It’s a walkable journey from the BTS Chitlom station, but you’ll get lost. Better to grab a taxi to the Nai Lert Hotel. The Nai Lert’s other claim to fame is being where David Carradine killed himself; hanging from a rope after spending the night with a Thai ladyboy (too easy . . . I won’t go there). There are no signs at the hotel to direct you toward Davdi’s room or the shrine. To get to the latter, walk through the lobby, watch for signs to the swimming pool area, then exit through the gate on the right where you’ll be dumped into a service area and parking lot. Then follow your nose. The Chao Mae Tuptin Shrine is tucked into the corner of the parking lot, adjacent to one of the klongs; the air is quite foul.

The Goddess Tuptim Shrine is littered with hundreds of lingams. (That’s a polite word for the mass of cocks you’ll find here.) Years ago it is said, a woman came to pray at the shrine asking for help, from Chao Tuptim, to conceive. Nine months later, she gave birth to a healthy chid. She was so pleased that she came back to the shrine and left a large wooden carving of a giant penis in thanks. Others have followed in her footsteps. Their offerings are hundreds of cocks lining the shrine’s pathway and filling the surrounding area. Most of them are made of wood; some of metal, stone, horn, or bone. Others are incised with special Buddhist inscriptions or have names written on. There are little fat ones, tall thin ones, tall fat ones, small thin ones . . . some even have legs. Others have colorful pieces of fabric tied around them for protection blessings; some are dyed bright red, blue or green.

Size queens will be in heaven viewing the large black phallus standing on end next to Tuptin’s spirit house, nestled under the huge ficus tree in which her spirit is said to reside. Regardless of the size, shape, or material the cock is made of, essentially they all give off the same message: Offer up a penis to the shrine, and you too may undergo the miracle of conception . . . or maybe you’ll just luck out and find a fun penis to spend the night with.