Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, and I had spent the day surprising each other with quick excursions around Bangkok to places where the other guy had not been. It was now night and (technically) my turn up to bat. Now, if you don’t think I love this guy (who is unfortunately straight but fortunately gives great head) then you explain my choice for the evening . . .

Jumping on the BTS we made our way over to the Asoke station and then a quick walk down the street and around the corner to Soi Cowboy. The grin on Noom’s face was so wide I thought it must hurt. Now for those of you who are clueless, Soi Cowboy is the straight guys’ version of Soi Twilight (well one of them) promising cheap beer and tons of raunch. And lots and lots and lots of, gulp, pussy. I figured we’d wander down the street to check out the scene (and give me a chance to pick out the safest looking bar) but hetro-boy zeroed in on the first open doorway that afforded a glimpse of naked female flesh.

Now here’s a dilemma, which I think could only arise in Thailand. You are with your straight boyfriend (whom you will end the evening with naked in bed) at a straight go go bar filled with naked women performing unspeakable sexual acts on unsuspecting vegetables, small animals, and ping pong balls. Said boyfriend is obviously excited, both mentally and physically. So do you then reach over and rub his hard little nipples? Reach down and stroke his raging erection? I mean this is Bangkok! No one is going to give a damn!

Well as tempting as both of those options were, I reined in my natural impulses and decided to let the boy have his fun for the evening. Then manned up and waved the bitch Noom was ogling over to sit with us. Sitting down, she of course ignored the Thai stud with the bulge in his pants and promptly grabbed the old (rich) farang’s hand and placed it on her tits. Which along with the disappointed look on Noom’s face caused me to dissolve into a fit of laughter. Not the reaction she’d been expecting.

Noom wailed, “Nooooooo, he gay!” which only added to her confusion. So I fell back on my version of Thai: waved a hundred baht note at her, pointed at Noom, and said, “Be nice to the boy.”

Complete understanding on her part, she turned her attention over to Noom and the two happily chatted away in Thai while he played with her tits. Well the scent of money was in the air and we were soon joined by another girl who saw both cash and an available customer when she looked at me. Noom did the ‘he gay’ thing again and his new friend added some explanatory notes in Thai which my new friend decided to ignore with the comment, “No problem. He cute”.

Awwwwwww. So, drinks all around. Noom’s friend is giving him a handjob through his pants. Mine is doing the Where-You-From-Where-You-Stay thing that evidently transcends gender when it comes to Bangkok’s go go bars. Both girls are only wearing skimpy little g string thong things. Noom’s in heaven. And I’m thinking, what the hell, nipples are nipples and when am I ever going to have a set of the female ones stuck in my face again? Time to experiment. I’m not going to get graphic here, some of you are probably all ready feeling squeamish. And they were after all, only tits.

So I gotta tell you. There are big differences between the gay go go bar and straight go go bar experience in Bangkok (besides the obvious one). First, beer is 80 baht. No, really. And the atmosphere is completely different. Usually at the gay places the customers are for the most part quiet and totally focused on the naked male flesh on display. They drink, smoke if it is allowed, fend off the pushy mamasan, but generally sit in quiet reverence while they stare at the naked guys. And the boys stand on stage staring into the mirror trying to convince themselves they are not standing buck ass naked in front of a bunch of aging farang.

At the straight bars, the girls on stage actually dance! No, really! And the customers are rowdy, laughing, bouncing nubile young Thai girls around on their laps; getting shit-faced drunk because the beer is cheap and generally having a grand old time. And the girls, who may be faking their enjoyment much as they will fake their orgasm later that night, laugh, smile, and have fun too. I hate to admit it, but the straight go go bars are actually more fun. One night out and I’d be addicted to them . . . if they’d just get rid of the damn women!

To be fair, when it comes to ‘showtime’ well, as bad as some of the gay shows are there is always a hint of gay sensibility in the production whereas the straight shows seem to revolve around the question of how many different things can we think of to do with a pussy. And PETA members should avoid these shows at all costs (seriously).

So before you ask: no, I did not pay the girl to fuck Noom that night. My limit was big tips, drinks, and fondling to his heart’s desire. And I’m neither stupid nor totally unselfish . . . guess who was extremely horny, hard, and willing when we got into bed that night?

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