Where in the hell is Chris Brown when you need him?

Celebrity visits to Thailand always seem to make the news. Amazing Thailand indeed, the unique juxtaposition of historical culture, exotic and breathtaking scenery, and in-your-face sleaze that is everyone’s favorite SE Asian country always manages to bring out the best in visitors, allowing them to leave their indelible stamp on The Land of Smiles. From Lady Gaga making a pit stop at a local Drag Show for Tourists and thinking that had something to do with supporting The Gays, to George Bush The Sequel’s incredibly huge travel entourage whose presence doomed whatever mission of failed diplomacy he was in town to attempt, to PM Yingluck making googoo eyes at President Obama and saving him from having to visit a gogo bar for the Thai woman in heat over the size of your wallet experience, to Jeremy Renner’s death defying visit to the Thai version of a barroom brawl – and that’s not to mention both Davey Wavey’s and the Gay Travel Guru’s singular visits to the Land of Smiles that then qualified them as experts on the country as they dispensed travel advice for the truly clueless – there is something about Thailand that infects the sensibilities of Personalities quicker than Paris Hilton can pass on genital herpes to her latest BFF (and you thought she didn’t know the meaning of ‘forever’).

Pop star and diva wanna-be Rihanna is the latest celebrity to make the news while visiting Thailand. She was in Phuket – the part of the country everyone loves to hate even though it attracts more than 5 million visitors per year – for a long weekend, managing to stir up the locals and her millions of Twitter fans thanks to a never-ending stream of Tweets and Instagram selfies, some of which lead to arrests and crack-downs by the local authorities. Which is no mean feat for a celebrity whose prior claim to fame was being the punching bag for a rapper with a cock the size of Nakhon Ratchasima province.

The Barbadian beauty with major back, taking a quick break from her Diamonds World Tour hit Phuket over the weekend and rather than visiting one of the hi-so resort areas decided to slum it like the masses and headed for Patong Beach instead. You wouldn’t think Soi Bangla would be a hang out for the rich and famous, but RhiRhi couldn’t resist the allure of Patong’s naughty nightlife, nor the allure of documenting every single moment of her adventure. You’d think with MMA stars like Roger Huerta, Georges St.-Pierre, Jose Aldo, and Anderson Silva to name but a few calling Phuket home while during training Rihanna could have at least spent some time with a few equally minor celebrities who know a thing or two about the island instead of spending her time in the more heavily touristed areas. But then on second thought maybe taking the chance at pissing off a guy who really knows how to throw a punch might not be that good of an idea.

Succumbing to the delights that Thailand offers, RhiRhi managed to cause a bit of a brouhaha by tweeting a photo of herself posed with some of the local wildlife. Unfortunately for the Thais who were making a living off of the stupidity of tourists, one of her photos showed her cuddled up with a furry primate called the slow loris. Which just happens to be an endangered species. As is now the career of said locals.

The slow loris, a squirrel-like animal with big eyes, is native to Southeast Asia and is listed as a protected species. Thanks to Rihanna’s Kodak moment local authorities took a break from busting jet ski scam artists and arrested two locals – a 20-year-old man and a 16-year-old boy – who now face charges of possession of protected animals. The charge carries a penalty of up to four years in prison and a 40,000 baht ($1,300) fine. Which in Thai means about 5,000 baht in tea money.

“Phuket authorities were alerted to the picture (of Rihanna), and last night police arrested the two individuals who brought out the loris as a photo opportunity for tourists,” reported Phuket district policed chief, Weera Kerdsirimongkon. Police confiscated two lorises from the pair. Weera said authorities have tried for years to crack down on the problem of vendors exploiting wildlife, particularly in popular tourist areas where people pay to pose for pictures with elephants, orangutans and other animals.

“It’s like a cat-and-mouse game. But this time it’s bigger because a celebrity like Rihanna posted the picture, and there were more than 200,000 ‘likes’ from around the world,” he said. Nice to know Phuket’s law enforcement efforts are based on the popularity of the crime.

The Instagram photo Rihanna shared on Twitter was captioned: “Look who was talkin dirty to me!” Which was typical of not only her one track mind but proves today’s R&B stars should not be allowed anywhere near a computer without the supervision of a publicist. Throw in her captioning of the photo she posted of herself playing with elephants on Patong’s Walking Street: “They all hail Empress when She walk by” and grammar aside instead of being sentenced to community service for bitch slapping RhiRhi, Brown should have been congratulated for the community service he performed. Okay, so that’s not quite in league with The Bieb surrendering his pet monkey to the gestapo, but evidently, while prostituting elephants to tourists on the street is also illegal in Thailand, that photo didn’t rack up as many ‘Likes’ so Phuket’s police ignored the infraction.

As they, and the rest of the world, did of her photo which she captioned “‘She was either tryna get married to me, or asking for the rest of my crop over costume!” Not that ladyboys are illegal in Thailand. But you’d think after dating Rob Kardashian Rihanna would recognize a ladyboy when she saw one. Of course you do have to give her a bit of a pass, not only because she’s more interested in getting down and dirty with lesbians than ladyboys (though Kardashian counts in both categories), but thanks to eyeballing what those elephants were packing probably brought Brown back to mind. Which, in turn, like with every other horny tourist in Patong meant Rhi’s next stop was one of Thailand’s famous ping pong shows.

Her Twitter comments on that part of her adventure must have racked up even more ‘Likes’ than did her adorable shot of mugging with an endangered species (uh, the slow loris, not Rob Kardashian) ‘cuz that one caught the attention of Phuket Governor, Maitree Intusoot. Thanks to her spreading the news of Thailand’s sex shows globally, Maitree now claims that the authorities will investigate and anyone found running an illegal sex show will be prosecuted. District Chief Officer Weera, fresh from his success in busting the slow loris scoundrels chimed in noting that his administration often inspects the entertainment complexes in Patong, and that they have prosecuted unlicensed bars and clubs where illegal sex shows were performed in the past. Or at least those behind in their tea money payments.

Many Thais reportedly feel the singer’s choice of words was disrespectful. Her critics weren’t concerned with her promotion of the country’s sex industry to her 31 million Twitter followers, rather they took issue with her use of the phrase “only in #Thailand” , tweeted after describing her ping-pong show experience. Some netizens pointed out that Rihanna’s choice of words was somewhat ironic considering that she is about as well-known for her music as she is for her sex tape. Not to mention her nude selfies. But that’s the problem with using Google Translate; the incensed Thais missed the point in her tweet. What she said was:

“Either I was ph*ck wasted lastnight, or I saw a Thai woman pull a live bird,2 turtles,razors,shoot darts and ping pong, all out of her p*$$y. The birds feathers were all damp! Lol And THEN she tried to turn water into coke in her $!! Uhh yea, all I’m saying is water went in and soda came out! I’m traumatized!!!”
And what traumatized the 25-year-old Queen of Pop whose own pussy has performed for the likes of Colin Farrell, Ashton Kutcher, Drake, Matt Kemp, Rashard Lewis, Dudley O’ Shaughnessy, Ryan Phillippe, Josh Henderson, Josh Hartnett, Shia LaBeouf, J. Cole, Jay-Z, Meek Mill, JR Smith, Nicki Minaj, Debbie Coda, Melissa Forde, and of course Chris Brown – before, during, and after taking the phrase ‘hiting it’ to new heights – was that the far less experienced Thai gogo girl couldn’t managed to pull a bird out of her pussy without getting the bird’s feathers damp.

Phuket has enough problems with its rep among tourists. The authorities might do better by clamping down on visiting celebrities than on sex shows and endangered specie photo ops. Thank the gods Justin has just landed in Bangkok and we can be assured of some sane celebrity news coming out of Thailand now.

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