First it was the Big Cock Show! on Soi Twilight, now it’s the taxi scams at Suvarnabhumi. If someone doesn’t do something about the National Council for Peace and Order (NCPO) soon, before you know it you’ll be able to visit the Grand Palace without finding that it is closed. And then how are you gonna get to visit three wats for only 25 baht?

With the army now running things, Thailand is at a crossroads. And under the guise of the military’s “Bringing happiness back to Thai people” program it’s taking a giant step down that slippery slope to ruin. The country has worked diligently over the last fifty years to earn its world-renown reputation and in less than a month the generals in charge of the nation have taken draconian measures to insure that reputation becomes a fond memory of the past. Where once the kingdom was known for sex, shopping, and scams – a trifecta that wasn’t difficult to find in one singular experience – the junta seems hell bent on stamping out both corruption and those things that go bump and grind in the night. And where is the happiness in that?

Even down in Pattaya things are getting ugly happy. A week ago they raided Sunee Plaza (again). And now the authorities are cracking down on the under-age bars on Walking Street. The raids in Sin City have been coming so fast and furious that sexpats barely have the time to take to the internet forums to wail about the end of life as they know it before the next one occurs. And back up in Bangkok the military has installed encampments both opposite the end of Soi Twilight and by Soi Cowboy, Thailand’s two most popular boulevards dedicated to prostitution (depending on whether you prefer innies or outies) to enforce happiness on the city’s commercial sex workers. With the recent closing by authorities of the Dolly prostitution complex in Surabaya, Indonesia it looks like SE Asia as a sex tourist destination is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Soon the only place left in the world where you can go for cheap sex will be the rural south of the USA. And face it, a toothless hummer at any price is never a good deal.

Of course it’s not just about sex, because even illicit sex is about money when done right. The NCPO is busy stamping out the tradition of tea money wherever its exists. From raiding bootleg DVD shops in Pattaya, to suppressing human trafficking gangs who prey on foreign migrant workers by forcing a mass exodus of illegal Cambodian immigrants, to installing billboards in Bangkok that preach against corruption using the unThai-like tag line “People who cheat must go to jail”, to eradicating illegal beauty clinics that use social media to advertise their services online, to the junta’s crackdown on the premiums charged for lottery tickets bearing the luckiest numbers on them, to putting an end to the taxi mafia’s rule of terror in Phuket, to a crackdown on drugs wherein narcotics officials are no longer allowed to boast about the quantity of drugs seized and instead are being forced to focus on busting the drug peddler kingpins, to stopping Bangkok taxi drivers and motocy taxis from gouging fares, to bringing an end to the time-honored holiday tradition of the jet ski scam in Pattaya, happy bank accounts in Thailand are quickly becoming extinct.

Sure the junta forced Thailand’s television monopoly to broadcast all 64 World Cup matches for free. But at the same time it is cracking down on football gambling, both online and offline, as well as SMS lucky draws. And how can you enjoy a World Cup match if there’s no chance you’ll win a few hundred baht on the outcome? If this keeps up happy Thais are gonna replace that three finger salute they borrowed from The Hunger Games with a one fingered salute that everyone in the world understands.

Maybe putting an end to the more popular scams tourists face daily in Thailand sounds like a good idea, but for old hands knowing enough to not fall for one of those con games makes repeat visitors happy. Because it’s not that misery loves company but that the misfortunes of others will always put a smile on your face. “The Grand Palace was closed?” we scoff with a slight smile on our faces . . . nothing says happiness like the feeling of being superior. But now all of that is about to change. And it’s not just the pleasure of watching others being scammed that is doomed. The warm fuzzies you get from being confronted by a scam – those unique greetings of rip-offs that tell you that you are firmly back on Thai soil once again – are meeting their bloody end too.

The NCPO’s latest victim of happiness is the taxi mafia at Suvarnabhumi. Major General Nirundorn Samutsakorn of the 11th Military Circle says the NCPO will be computerizing taxi operations at the airport to improve the country’s image and to prevent problems such as passengers left stranded on the road, over-charging of fares, and drivers acting improperly. Under the new system, which will be implemented by the end of the month, airport taxis and drivers would be required to register in a computer system and cab queues would be managed by a card system. All drivers would have to accept the passengers and destinations they get, which will depend on the luck of the draw. “It is expected that the mafia system will disappear, as there will be no need for someone to screen passengers for the taxis,” he said.

In the past, drivers who wanted to score the better paying long-distance fares to outlying regions, like Pattaya, had to pay the mafia to direct passengers their way. And even those taking short haul fares into the city paid to be given premium passengers instead of those who could barely afford to be scammed. Like backpackers. With the NCPO’s latest plan to make Thais happy, drivers will no longer have the mafia to trust in but will be forced to trust in the gods instead. And the military, as one of those gods, wants to put an end to the airport taxi fixed fare scam too.

Where once your not smiling taxi driver greeted you with a “Sawatdee ka,” and “500 baht, okay?” the smiling drivers of tomorrow will have to get their happiness from the meter. And that means no more playing dumb to see how far down the road you can get the driver to take you before you turn down his offer and force him to use the meter. Those happy times are no more thanks to the NCPO. With the new taxi regulations at the airport, you might as well be landing at Changi Airport. But wait! There’s more happiness!

Those travelers in the know have always been happy about avoiding the 50 baht airport surcharge added to your fare at the official taxi queue by grabbing a cab outside of the fourth floor departures gates. Even the recent installation of barriers to prevent passengers from exiting at that floor did little to stop the practice of grabbing a cheap fare into town. Under the NCPO’s new airport system this practice will no longer be illegal. Maj Gen Nirundorn said there would be no more mafia chasing taxis away on the fourth floor. Under the new system, taxis will be allowed to pick up passengers immediately after a drop off, but will not be allowed to park and wait for a fare. So now, not only will first-time visitors get the advantage of what once required years of visits to benefit from, but it’ll take you hours after landing before you can go native and find a law to ignore.

And therein lies the rub. General Prayuth and his National Council for Peace and Order think they know the will of the Thai people. They believe free music concerts, free hair cuts, and free movie tickets to see The Legend of King Naresuan Part V is what will make the Thai people happy. And despite his comment that “Thai people, like me, have probably not been happy for nine years, but since May 22, there is happiness,” the measures being taken are not spreading smiles in the Land of Smiles. Because no one profits when you wipe out corruption. No one makes a fistful of baht when you put an end to scams. No one is going to be happy when you cut off a major source of their income. And their way of life. And those of us who have traveled to Thailand for decades, who know and love the country for what it is, are not gonna be happy when you change the very things that made us fall in love with the kingdom in the first place.

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