I’ve always been amazed at spunk that flies across the room and splatters against the wall. Projectile ejaculations are an awesome sight. I’m never sure when a guy blows a powerful load if it is that it’d been too long since his last one, or if it is just youth at work. Regardless, I always take credit and view it as a compliment. And then try and do my best to return that compliment too.

Some guys dribble, some guys shoot, and some guys cause major damage to nearby walls. I know that supposedly absence makes your heart grow fonder, so then is it that abstinence make your spunk more powerful too? Do some guys excel at velocity, while others go the distance? Or is that all just a load of . . .

Yep, smells like science to me.

The results of a recent study published by the US National Library of Medicine and the National Institute of Health found that after 7 days of not ejaculating, men’s testosterone levels reached 145.7% of the baseline. So the less you shoot, the more manly you become.

Interestingly, there were no significant fluctuations from the baseline on days 2 through 5. But by day 6, the guys participating in the study were a bit spunkier and peak levels clocked in by day 7. There was no data for days beyond 7 because we are talking guys here and a week without blowing your load is beyond any man’s capabilities. That is, after all, why the gods gave us hands.

Not all men can be gods of length in both build and projectability, in fact, according to Dr. Kinsey and his seminal work on sexuality, three quarters of the male population dribble at best. He found that “In other males the semen may be propelled from a matter of some inches to a foot or two, or even as far as five or six (rarely eight) feet”.

Sexperts Masters and Johnson weighed in on shooters too, noting that their research showed reported ejaculation distance to be not greater than a foot or two. Sounds like the good dcotors just didn’t check the right men. But then the greedy among us are not concerned with distance covered, but rather with total volume produced. Because being able to clean up afterwards with nothing but a Q-tip can be embarrassing even for the most manly of men.

Researchers claim that while the average man will ejaculate 18 quarts of jiz in his lifetime, the first or second batch of puppies set free during each orgasm accounts for the greatest volume of spunk, about 40% of the total sperm ejaculated. Subsequent encores diminish both in volume and interest. Most men spurt five to ten times per orgasm and while first out can be the most impressive, total volume depends on the number of times a guy goes, “Arrgh!” Overall, how much a guy shoots depends on several factors: time since the last ejaculation, the warmth of the testicles, the degree of sexual excitement, testosterone levels, and age. Some suggest that since semen is largely water and that if you’re dehydrated there will be less volume, that age-old medical advice to drink at least eight glasses of water a day can be more beneficial than originally thought.

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, Super Spunk – or Horst Scultz when he’s being mild mannered – is the world record holder for the greatest distance attained for a jet of semen. Because for some it’s not about quantity it’s all about quality. And if you’re thinking you are gold medal worthy, note that the Spunkmiester’s swimmers flew 18‘ 9”. Horst is the man: he also holds the world record for greatest height – 12’ 4”, which must have been an outdoor record – and greatest speed of spunk with his clocking in at 42.7 mph. At that speed, when he spits, you swallow. Or risk losing an eye.

But then most men don’t think speed and orgasm are two things that go together well. And while it might be nice to shoot at a velocity quicker than an old Asian man driving in the fast lane on the freeway, most men shoot at the same speed that old guy is driving at: 27 MPH. Yup, ejaculating outside in a residential area could get your puppies a speeding ticket. In any case, they’d prove to be a danger to pedestrians. But then one of those pedestrians might like what you worked up and you’ll make a new friend.

If you dribble instead of shoot, is there hope for you? Well, not much. But you probably have a pleasant personality and that counts for something, right? But if you are tired of having your partner ask if you came yet, the experts say you can improve your reach by exercising your Kegel muscles. Uh, pretend you have to pee real badly and don’t want to have an accident. Yup, hold it in, and one, two, three . . . exhale.

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