Beauty pageants are an important part of holiday celebrations in Thailand; they are where next year’s crop of gogo bar workers and ladyboys get their start. And Songkran is no exception. Every local Songkran celebration includes a beauty pageant as part of its festivities – because you can’t just hold a contest to pick out the district’s most nubile young lady without it being required by historical tradition. The justification used for Songkran is its origin legend, which for now you only need know involves the seven daughters of a god who lost his head over gambling (literally). To save the earth from a calumnious end, on Songkran Day each year one of the seven daughters leads a procession carrying his head on a celestial salver. Yup, good times.

Each of the daughters – called Nang Songkran, or the Songkran Ladies – like in most families has her own traits though all seven share similarities. Kinda like knowing a Kardashian daughter is always gonna be a bit slutty and have a big ass though just how slutty and just how big of an ass depends on which daughter it is. The major trait the Songkran Ladies share is that they are all hideously ugly. Which you wouldn’t think would lead to a beauty pageant, but then this is Thailand. Which lucky lady wins the local Songkran beauty pageant is up to the crowd; which of the seven daughter gets the honor of parading around with daddy’s head on a plate depends on the day of the week Songkran Day (April 13th) falls on – each Nang Songkran has been assigned a specific day of the week.

For this year, 2013, Mahothon Devi (AKA ‘The One With A Big Belly’) is the winner. She is known to wear water hyacinth flowers behind her ears, has a discus and trident as her weapons, wears a black dress adorned by sapphires, loves pigging out on hog deer meat, and rides on a peacock. The winner of the local beauty pageant – who generally but not always does not share the physical attributes of the Nang Songkran for that year – is often carried on a palanquin mounted on the animal associated with that year’s Songkran Lady in each locality’s Songkran parade. So expect to see lots of peacocks in this year’s parades. Even in Pattaya where you can expect to see many of the One With A Big Belly in any given year.

Not only do the Songkran Ladies represent the days of the week, but also in earlier times the characteristics of each of the daughters were associated with the type of weather that could be expected for that year. Kinda like Groundhog Day in the U.S. And like traditional predictions for the New Year in western society, the Thai New Year celebration too was used to foretell what to expect from the coming year. How well the economy will do, whether or not a catastrophic event will occur, how the crops will do, and what good or bad luck will be experienced by the royal family were all predicted by when Songkran officially began. Which is answered by a simple calculation of the time the sun enters Aries. And all it takes to know the answer to those questions is a single glance at the year’s Nang Songkran.

Just as every good sex touri knows it’s not just about the ride but about the position too, with annual Songkran predictions it’s not just about which of the ugly daughters is featured that year, but the position she rides her mighty stead (or colorful but otherwise useless bird in this year’s case – which once again sounds like we’re talking about a Kardashian).

According to legend, the Nang Songkran will stand on the animal’s back if she comes in the morning, ride on its back if she comes in the afternoon, recline with her eyes open if she comes in the evening, and recline with her eyes closed if she comes past midnight. The standing posture is related to trouble and suffering, the riding posture signifies pandemic, death and disaster, the reclining posture with eyes open signifies peace and happiness while the reclining posture with eyes closed reflects the glory of the King.

This year – if I did my calculations right, and y’all know how talented I am with numbers – Mahothon Devi should be riding on the back of her peacock; unfortunately that signifies death and disaster. Which, considering the number of traffic fatalities and bodily injuries thanks to Songkran celebrations every year sounds like business as usual. It’s just a shame that there are no longer Royal Court Astrologers, or we’d have a better understanding of what the year has in store for us.

The King’s official astrologers were once those who determined which Nang Songkran would rule and which position she would take on her ride, along with predicting the auspicious and inauspicious days for the year. Their calculations for Maha Songkran day, the two following days of Songkran, along with predictions for the year would be presented to the King on the advent of the festival. The court artist would then paint a picture based on their information, showing that year’s Nang Songkran and her position. The court would then issue the “Songkran Announcement”, which detailed the time for the new year, and what the Thai people could expect from the coming year.

As fond as Thais are for lucky signs, this tradition is no longer followed. Picking out which lovely local lass’ future will be filled with the wonders of a gogo bar in Patpong, however, still is.

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