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Name That Tune: The world is singing the praises of Bangkok taxi drivers. No, really.

Name That Tune: The world is singing the praises of Bangkok taxi drivers. No, really.

Hotels.com just released the results of its survey on the best taxis in the world, in an obvious attempt at beating out Trip Advisor as the best place on-line to find totally useless and erroneous travel information. And the proof in the pudding is that Bangkok taxi drivers came in at the 8th spot. Yup, according to 3,000 people in 30 countries the Bangkok taxi experience is the 8th best in the world. Which means you have to assume a lot of armchair travelers voted, or most respondents thought they were talking about cabbies in Bangor, Maine. Those who have actually had the pleasure would probably rank them a bit lower on the list. But then if Hotels.com included Hell in their definition of ‘the world’, then damn it Bangkok’s taxi drivers got gypped, they should have placed much, much higher.

The survey said Bangkok tied with Singapore and Bogata – where the time honored paseo millonario, or millionaire’s ride, is the name of the game in which fares are robbed at gunpoint by the driver’s cohorts. Mexico City beat out Bangkok, placing in the #5 spot ‘cuz in Mexico you also get the opportunity of being kidnapped with your ride, a trick Bangkok hasn’t yet perfected. Though you could claim those frequent add-on excursions to the best place in town to buy gems, get clothes tailor made, or snap up unbelievably cheap plane and bus tickets count as ‘temporarily abducted’. Still, there’s room for improvement.

The six criteria used to determine the top taxis on the planet were: safety, value, knowledge of area, availability, quality of driving, cleanliness, and friendliness. Methinks the results were heavily weighted toward ‘availability’ ‘cuz most Bangkok cabs would score in the negative numbers on the rest of those criterion. In fact this survey might be the first time the word ‘safety’ was used in the same paragraph as Bangkok taxi. Though to be fair, since its a racial thing you can’t really take points off under ‘quality of driving’ just because all Bangkok cabbies are guilty of committing DWA offenses.

Bangkok’s traffic gridlock is a chicken or the egg proposition when it comes to the city’s taxis.

Bangkok’s traffic gridlock is a chicken or the egg proposition when it comes to the city’s taxis.

According to Hotels.com, the one place cabbies in The Big Mango really shine is in value. In fact they tied with their brethren in The Big Apple on that one. Because no one has ever heard of a customer being taken for a ride by a cabbie in New York. But scams aside, the internet hotel booking site got that one right. Taxis are a good value in Bangkok. As long as you don’t put a high value on your life. But it could be worse. You could have climbed into a tuk tuk instead.

Thai culture is part of what makes Bangkok such a fun and exotic place to visit and the best way to experience that is: when in Thailand do as the Thais do – aka it’s the Thai way or the highway. Not that you really have a say in the matter when dealing with Bangkok’s cabbies. So here are some rules of the road for using taxis in Bangkok:

1. The Closer I Get To You.
For a Bangkok taxi driver, a perfect world would be one wherein you – the fare – are already at your destination. But since the closest that happens is when a clueless touri hails a cab to be taken to some hot spot that is only a block away, it’s up to Bangkok cabbies to help you perfect your taxi catching skills. Which is all about making their job easier. And Rule #1 is that you must be headed in the same direction their taxi is pointed. Sure they could make a U turn, or hang a right and backtrack on the next main thoroughfare, but that’s not the point. Because in Thailand we . . . .

2. Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door.
There’s a reason movies filmed in Thailand don’t include a scene where the hero jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow That Cab!” Because in Bangkok, there’s a process. And no one likes to sit through a six hour long movie. The customer is always right is not an axiom of service in Bangkok; the customer is left standing on the curb is a more likely event. Politeness is a hallmark of Thai culture. As is the rule of he who has the car gets to decide who rides in it. So before jumping into a cab, you need to first open the door and politely beg the driver to take you on as a fare. You’ll also have to spend a few minutes discussing whether or not he’ll take you where you want go. And whether he’ll use the meter or just quote whatever figure pops into his head instead. And then if you get the thumbs up, you can only hope he doesn’t change his mind during the ride.

There are many tricks to choosing a taxi in Bangkok. Your best bet is to select the one that is already at your intended destination.

There are many tricks to choosing a taxi in Bangkok. Your best bet is to select the one that is already at your intended destination.

3. Singin’ In The Rain.
Most Tourists just aren’t familiar enough with the local gods, goddesses, and spirits who are such a part of everyday life in Thailand. For example there’s Phi Nometer, a pesky spirit associated with rain whom you’d better make merit to during a downpour or suffer the consequences. During periods of worship – aka when it is raining – Bangkok taxi drivers who always have your best interests at heart, will frequently invoke this god’s name as a reminder and will then help you to make merit by collecting 200 baht on the spirit’s behalf.

4. One Night In Bangkok.
And it’s not just your spiritual well-being that concerns Bangkok taxi drivers. Thais are very status conscious. And assume touri are too. Even if they are too stupid to realize it. And nothing says Hi-So like dropping a few hundred baht needlessly. VIPs (which is not Thai for Very Ignorant People despite what you may think) tend to gather at popular restaurants, night clubs, and upscale entertainment areas like Patpong and Nana Plaza. Cabbies picking up a fare in these areas will always quote a fixed fare in honor of their customer’s high status. Touri who don’t better think this is a scam. It’s not. It’s a compliment. And the higher the fare quoted, the more highly your driver thinks of you.

5. Get Here (If You Can).
No one likes a traffic jam. Even when any hour of the day most traffic on Bangkok’s streets could be considered jammed. But some areas of town are notoriously congested and, perhaps not surprisingly, they tend to be the same areas of town everyone wants to go to. Bangkok taxi drivers are proud of their city and hate to add to its rep for traffic gridlock. So they often refuse to go anywhere near the busier areas of town. No problemo. If you are lucky your driver will know of an Officially Sanctioned Gem Sale he can take you to instead.

Touri hit Bangkok’s red light districts to get lucky, lucky cabbies hit them to score a 200 fare for a 40 baht ride.

Touri hit Bangkok’s red light districts to get lucky, lucky cabbies hit them to score a 200 fare for a 40 baht ride.

6. Almost There.
Closely associated with a taxi driver’s refusal to take you where you want to go because there’s too much traffic are drivers who are big on procrastination. That means they don’t decide to not take you where you want to go until you are almost there. But once they make that decision, there’s no hesitation in pulling over and issuing the helpful instruction, “You walk.”

7. I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.
In London cabbies are required to demonstrate a working knowledge of the city’s streets before being issued a license to drive a taxi. In Bangkok potential cabbies face the far more rigid requirement of knowing someone who has a license that they will let them use. And they get bonus points if they just arrived from some far flung rural corner of the country and have never been in Bangkok before. Couple that with the Thai mastery at reading maps and there’s an 80% chance your driver will get lost. Several times. But unlike American men who refuse to sop and ask for directions, Bangkok cabbies willingly ask for other resident’ help. Like about every half a block. No problemo. Savvy fares know that the sixth time your driver pulls over to ask for directions is the time to open your door and bid him a fond adieu with, “I walk.”

8. The Ballad of Gilligan’s Isle.
Just sit right back / And you’ll hear a tale / A tale of a fateful trip . . . One of the joys of getting lost is what you may find. And miraculously, when Bangkok cabbies get lost they often find their favorite gem store, tailor, or discount ticket operation. This, of course, is a scam. And everyone knows it. So your driver will not insult your intelligence by trying to get you to spend money at the places he finds. Instead he’ll suggest you play his version of Scam The Scammer. The unsuspecting business gives the driver a chit for free gas for delivering a customer to its doors. And all you have to do is spend a few minutes inside while your driver gets his gas coupon. Of course if you actually buy something, well, that’s your bad. And then your driver will have to take you to yet another place until you master the Scam The Scammer game. The bonus for you is that while you thought you were taking a 15 minute trip to the mall, instead you get a cheap tour of half a dozen of the city’s more popular districts. And that my friends is what travel is all about.

By law all Bangkok taxies are required to use their meter. By custom all Bangkok laws are a suggestion best ignored.

By law all Bangkok taxies are required to use their meter. By custom all Bangkok laws are a suggestion best ignored.

9. Ticket To Ride.
There’s been a lot of moaning and whining amongst the cheap bastard contingent of late thanks to the government’s plan to impose an arrival fee on incoming touri. Many claim they will no longer visit if this charge comes to pass. Which shows you how sharp those Thais really are. What many don’t realize is that this has been planned and test marketed for quite some time with the help of taxi drivers serving the airports. The 500 baht incoming touri fee has been charged to unsuspecting visitors in lieu of a metered fare for years with little to no complaint.

10. It Ain’t Me Babe.
The reason touri who’ve been overcharged by a taxi driver results in little to no complaints is not something Bangkok cabbies leave to chance. Arriving safely at your destination is best left to the fates; having to cough up some tea money when you were just trying to make an honest living is not. If you got scammed by an airport taxi, you are given an Official Government Form to assist you in filing a complaint. Unfortunately for you it is in Thai. Except for the phone number for the complaint hot line. Which was disconnected several years ago. And if you do figure out how to file a complaint, the driver is not the person whose license is displayed, and you’ll need the cab number too – so there are not one but three different registration numbers to choose from, all made up of just short of a hundred numerals. Often with the occasional Thai letter thrown into the mix just in case you are some kind of math whiz.

11. Highway to Hell.
Even with the odds stacked against you, occasionally your cabbie will actually be the person pictured in the license displayed on the dashboard. Hopefully, you’ll have no reason to need that info because it is just as likely the dashboard will also be stacked with a curiosity cabinet of religious statues, toys, and once-popular action figures. You may think this is a dangerous practice as it blocks the view out of the front window. Your cabbie knows it is not because he’s not really interested in that view anyway. And you are far better off not being able to see what’s happening outside of your vehicle anyway. Besides, everyone knows driving skills are highly overrated anyway. It’s a much better bet to place your safety in the hands of the Buddha. Which requires you have at last half as dozen Buddhas affixed to the dashboard.

All those amulets, talismans, and other assorted religious paraphernalia blocking the view in Bangkok taxis would be dangerous, but most cabbies drive with their eyes closed anyway.

All those amulets, talismans, and other assorted religious paraphernalia blocking the view in Bangkok taxis would be dangerous, but most cabbies drive with their eyes closed anyway.

12. Twist In My Sobriety.
If you’ve spent any amount of time in Bangkok’s notorious traffic then you know just how stressful of a job Bangkok’s cabbies have. Even as a fare, after 15 minutes on the road all you can think about is how badly you need a drink to calm your frayed nerves. But drinking and driving is a fatal mix so most Bangkok taxi drivers refrain from chugging down booze while on the job. Yaba, on the other hand, just takes the edge off things. And then a shot or two of hootch takes the edge off the yaba high. Which then isn’t about drinking and driving but rather about drinking and smoking meth. The good news is that Bangkok taxi drivers who can’t control their yaba addiction end up losing their job. Then they become tuk tuk drivers instead.

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