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mouth urinal

There are like 2.8 million good reasons why it’s better to be a man than a fish. Peeing wherever you want – without having to sqaut – has got to be close to the top of that list. Draining a kidney with no additional effort required other than providing your best buddy with a clear field of fire (and ocassionally bothering to aim) is one of life’s great pleasures that no woman can ever experience or understand. I talk a good game about equality of the sexes, but let’s face it ladies: until you can stand up, unzip, and let fly with the rest of us you will never be truly equal.

And it’s a shame you have to take that one siting down.

Not that women should bitch. Public restrooms for guys are spartan affairs. Assuming Spartans liked wet floors and a stench that would have sent Leonidas and his 300 men fleeing from Thermopylae on Day #1. Because we can pee wherever we feel like it those who design public restroom seldom spend much effort on doing anything more than providing a trough or a hole for us to aim at toward. Women, on the other hand, get treated like princesses. Their restooms are little cocoons of fluffery, filled with amenities and offering spacious areas for . . . I don’t know what. Maybe practicing giving birth. You’d think they’d be thrilled with the luxury provided as compensation for having to undress and squat just to empty their bladder, but nooooooo. I guess it’s because so often they get their panties wet that they also easily get them in a wad.

In an effort to ensure men can get some satisfaction, at least when relieving themselves, several establishments have recently installed new urinals in their mens rooms shaped like a mouth. Mick Jagger’s mouth to be precise. The Rolling Stones’ famous lip logo, modeled after Mick’s impressive mouth by designer John Pasche in 1971, has been used to manufacture a wall mounted urinal, rooms full of which have been installed at the The Rolling Stones Fan Museum in Luechow, Germany, among other European spots. Or maybe that’s ‘you are peeing’.

Up until now, peeing in Mick Hagger’s mouth has been an experience reserved for David Bowie. Forget about partying like a rock god, now you can pee like one. And these urinals certainly help narrow down the selection of tunes to whistle while you work it. But claiming the urinals fringe on squatter’s rights, Marianne Joensson-Olm, equal-opportunities officer in Luechow, told a Hamburg-based broadcast network, “There’s been an outcry among the people – about a dozen women have complained to me alone.”

Roda Armbruster, a local feminist, too claims the urinals discriminate against women. “If the urinals sported a tongue, it would have been acceptable,” she claimed. I guess to German feminists watersports are only cool if you throw in some kink. Besides, the tongue should be reserved for the toilets.

Anything to take our mind off the troll standing next to us checking out our equipment while we piss is a good thing to men. And a mouth-shaped urinal just makes the act of relieving yourself that much more enjoyable. Women, who are just pissed off to once again be left out of the fun, see it differently. A McDonalds in Holland was forced to remove their mouth urinals after a complaint from an American tourist was received (figures), The Woman Abuse Working Group – a coalition of 24 organizations in Canada – forced The Honest Lawyer restaurant in Hamilton to flush their use of the urinals, claiming they were offensive to women. And Virgin Airways scrapped their plans on installing the urinals in the airport lounge in New York thanks to the shrill outcry of shrill women even before the urinals were in place.

Bathroom Mania!, the urinal’s manufacturer based in the Netherlands, who claims the mouth-shaped urinals are “one target men will never miss,” is not concerned. They report orders for the urinals are flying in faster than they can be filled.

(And yes Alex, you did see this coming . . .)

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