“Hello Dear. You called just in time, we can watch Dancing With The Stars together.”

“Mom you know I don’t watch Dancing With The Stars.”

“Well you should it’s a very entertaining television show and then you could tell me who all these stars are because I don’t know any of them.”

“Well that’s because they are not stars Mom They’re desperate pseudo-celebrities attempting to gain relevance again.”

“No dear, if you watched the show you’d know this season they are all famous stars from previous years.

“Yes, well, celebrities from previous lifetimes seems to sum it up just about right.”

“The only one I recognize is that Christy Allie. It’s so nice to see that someone appreciates a plus size woman as a sex symbol.”

“You mean Kirstie Alley? Who said she was a sex symbol?”

“That little man who is one of the judges. The one I can’t understand. I think he’s Mexican.”

“No Mom, he’s gay. Gay men may know ballroom dancing and fashion but haven’t a clue about sex symbols when it comes to women.”

“That’s not true! It was the gays that made Barbra Streisand such a big star! Until the gays discovered her she was just another ugly little Jewish girl with a big nose.”

“I’m sure her career had more to do with her singing than her gay fans Mom.”

“You don’t know dear. If the gays hadn’t championed her she wouldn’t have become a star. You know in my day those people weren’t even allowed to use the beach.”

“The gays?”

“No dear, the Jews. When I was a little girl they had signs posted to tell people which beaches the Jews could use and which they were not allowed on.”

“Yes Mom, I know. In the good old days racism was an accepted part of life.”

“That wasn’t racism. That just helped people know where they belonged. I’m sure they felt more comfortable with their own kind.”

“Okay Mom. Maybe the Republicans will take the White House back this year and we’ll all get to appreciate segregation once again.”

“Don’t be such a smarty-pants. You know it was my generation that elected a Catholic as president.”

“Yeah Mom, that was brave of you. And then he got shot two years later.”

“Well that’s what happens when you allow those kind of people to come into power.”

“What? The Pope had Kennedy killed?”

“Of course not dear. It was the Mafia. And you know they are all Catholic too.”

“Well then it’s a good thing President Obama isn’t Catholic, huh?”

“Well of course he isn’t dear. He’s a socialist.”

“Oh come on Mom, Obama is not a socialist. The right-wing nutters just say that because they can’t admit they hate him because he is black.”

“See that’s why I don’t like talking politics with you. Everything is racism with you. If you watched that nice Bill O’Reilly you’d know better. You know he prides himself on being impartial and unbiased. And Bill is not a racist.”

“Right Mom, he’s not. He’s a sexual predator who abuses his female staff members.”

“They never proved that!”

“You know he’s Catholic.”

“Well be that as it may, he is very astute man. And I like that he teaches his audience a new word every night. Young people just don’t take pride in their vocabulary these days.”

“Mom, his staff comes up with those words. And he can’t even use them properly in a sentence. Half the time they are verbs and he uses them as a noun.”

“Yes Mr. I Went To College, I’m sure you know better. At least he speaks English unlike that man they hired to replace Larry King. I don’t know what they were thinking hiring an Englishman for that job. Americans don’t want to hear some foreigner telling us what we should know.”

“I don’t think they had a lot to choose from Mom. Anderson Cooper already had a daytime talk show but even then I don’t think they wanted to replace Larry King with a gay man.”

“I knew that man was a gay! You can never be sure about the English. I think they are always suspect.”

“No Mom, not Piers Morgan. Anderson Cooper. Anderson Cooper is gay.”

“Anderson Copper is not a gay!”

“Yeah Mom, He is. He came out last year.”

“Well I’m sure that’s not true. The network probably made him say that. You know they do that kind of thing for ratings. And he’s such a handsome man. But you can tell he’s not a gay. I think that pretty Frenchman they have on Dancing With The Stars is though.”

“Who’s that Mom?

“How should I know, you know I don’t speak French. You should watch the show then you would know who I mean.”

“Well you got me there Mom.”

“There’s also a little Chinese boy on this year. Maybe you know him.”

“Now why would I know some Chinese guy who is on Dancing With The Stars?”

“Because you are always flying over there dear!”

“No Mom, that’s Thailand. Not China. And I haven’t quite yet met every single person in either country yet anyway.”

“Well it’s all the same thing. Now hold on and let me check my television listing, I’m sure they have his name in there, you probably do know him. Here it is. Now why would they give a Chinaman a Greek name?”

“I haven’t a clue Mom, what’s his name?”

“Apolo Ohno. He’s very good. I didn’t think the Chinese were much for dancing.”

“Mom. Apolo Ohno is not Chinese. He’s an American Olympian. His father is Japanese but his mother was Caucasian.”

“Chinese, Japanese, Thai . . . I don’t understand why you make such a big thing about it. If it was important they would tell us. You know last year they tried to say that handsome blonde contestant, William, was Mexican.”

“I’m sure they only made him say that for the ratings Mom. Everyone knows Mexicans aren’t blonde.”

“Exactly! It’s not good for the show’s integrity when they lie like that. Speaking of the Chinese, how is that nice friend of yours who sends me all the gifts?”

“Noom? He’s Thai Mom, not Chinese. And he’s fine. I’ll tell him you said hello.”

“I don’t know why you always have to fly over there to visit him. I think it’s time that he came here for a visit instead.”

“I’m sure he’d like to Mom but it’s not easy for Thais to get a visa for the U.S.”

“Well that Chinese boy had to get one to be on Dancing With The Stars so it can’t be all that difficult.”

“He’s not Chine . . . never mind Mom. I’ll tell Noom you want him to come visit.”

“I just read in the newspaper that your President Obama has told the immigration people to treat same-sex partners as family members, so maybe that will help.”

“Um, Mom, are you suggesting I marry Noom?”

“Well no dear. But if the network can make Anderson Cooper say he is a gay I don’t see why you can’t do the same thing to help get your friend into the country.”

“Okay Mom, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“It’s not the grandchild I keep hoping for, but he does seem to be such a nice young man.”

“Thanks Mom, he is. I’m going to let you get back to your show now.”

“Will you call again next week?”

“No Mom, in another week or so.”

“Sometimes I think your brothers and you take turns calling me. It seems I only hear from each of you every three weeks.”

“I’m sure that’s just a coincidence Mom.”

“Okay, but I might call you next week for some help. Sarah Palin’s daughter is on again and she doesn’t seem to be doing too well. I might need you to call in to vote for her.”

“Um, Mom, I’m not calling Dancing With The Stars and especially not to vote for Sarah Palin’s daughter.”

“You know she could have been President!”

“Yes Mom. But then you wouldn’t have Mitt Romney to vote for this year.”

“I’m not sure I can vote for Mitt Romney. We tried that with the Catholics once, I’m not sure we can trust a Mormon. But Glenn Beck says he will win and God only has him behind in the polls so that it can be a miracle when he wins.”

“Well I’m sure Glenn Beck is right Mom. If Romeny wins everyone will agree it is a miracle.”

“You know when I gave birth to you and your brother the woman who shared my room was Mormon and she had secret underwear.”

“Yes, Mom. You’ve told me that before. I gotta go now. Love you. Bye.”

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