Christmas came early this year: Olympic Diver Tom Daley and his penis have announced they are gay.
There have been a large number of actors and other minor celebrities who have come out this year. A surprisingly large number if we were talking about a mere five years ago in fact. But nowadays announcing your fabulousness to the world just ain’t all that. Don’t get me wrong. The decision to do so is still a traumatic and highly charged emotional affair for many; the act may generate less buzz among the general public than the latest cute kitten doing funny things video that went viral, but it’s still a major step for anyone in the public eye. But the bigger interest these days isn’t who is and isn’t gay, but whether or not they should be allowed to marry.
I’m always up for an Out This Week post, but most of those who have braved that step this year were already ‘visibly gay’ so their grand announcement elicited nothing more than a “Eh.” Typical was some reality TV personality who came out last week. I’d never heard of him. But did see a clip of his coming out. I didn’t actually watch the clip to the grand moment, the first few seconds were enough to tell me the dude was gay. Visibly so. It was kinda like watching The Crying Game when someone had already told you the chick had a dick – when you already know the ending, sticking around for the reveal really isn’t worth your time. Ooops, sorry. Spoiler Alert!
And so it has been with most of those coming out this year. I’d read about their announcement, turn to Google to see who in the hell they were, Google would tell me they were some young, twinky, at least somewhat effeminate minor celebrity, and I’d go back to a more fulfilling activity like cutting my toe nails. Celebrities coming out have become so routine it’s just not worth the bother. It’ll take an A-list star announcing he flies the rainbow flag to make the world sit up and take notice. And even then, when Tom Cruise finally admits what everyone else already knows, a good portion of the general public is gonna respond with a deafening, “Eh.” At least Suri won’t get scoldings for saying, “My daddy’s gay” any longer.
Tom and his penis strike a pose back when they were posing as straight.
So I was surprised this morning to hear that British Olympic So-So Tom Daley had come out. The surprise wasn’t in that he’s gay. I along with most of the world had already reached that conclusion once it was legal for us to do so. The surprise was how much the world seemed to care.
Maybe it’s because of all the hullabaloo over the Olympics, Russia, and how the gays attending the Winter Olympics will be treated next year. Maybe it’s because Tom has grown up into such a fine specimen of manhood in front of the world’s eyes. Maybe it’s because just when we were coming to terms with the fact it is probably not all right to still be perving over Paul Walker’s luscious body now that he’s dead, an even hotter celebrity body has stepped up and gone gay for our sexual fantasy lives. Maybe it’s because we’re all used to seeing Tom in the same state of undress as your latest conquest just before you reach out and slip his underwear off.
Tom’s gayness has been a subject in the media for quite some time now. There have been numerous stories in the press, some of which involved legal problems for those who made that claim in an inappropriate way. Tom has remained steadfast about being straight throughout. Until now. So I guess he just came out as a liar too. But we won’t go there. The important thing is he just become the world’s gay fantasy boy. Or will have just as soon as he shaves his damn legs.
. . . and speaking of Tom’s back.
Younger gays deciding to come out to the world often turn to social media these days. I like those who do so via Twitter. Brevity is not one of my talents so I respect it in others. And it’s difficult to misconstrue what was said when it was said in 140 characters or less. Tom went with YouTube instead. Which meant you had to actually go watch his coming out clip. Or jut rely on the reports elsewhere from those who supposedly did. I suspect many who reported on his coming out didn’t actually watch his YouTube video. Not that I can blame them. When you pull that clip up, as cute a he looks in his heather grey T-shirt and just-reached-puberty facial hair, a whole slew of videos of Tom in his skimpy bathing suit are offered up as related clips and . . . well, what to watch is an easy decision to make. Besides, we already knew Tom was gay. Or at leas suspected his penis was.
Tom introduced his video with the statement, “This has been a hard decision to make, but I wanted you to hear this from me.” Which tells you he really needs a publicist. I know the Brits commonly wreck havoc with the English language, but still, grammatically speaking ‘difficult’ would have been the more appropriate word to use. When you are about to tell the world – who has been fantasizing about your body for years – that you’re gay, using the word ‘hard’ . . . well, the news is supposed to be about you and not about the physical reaction of everyone else. Hiring a publicist is good advice for any male celebrity coming out these days. And with corporate sponsorships being all the rage, I’d bet you could land a lucrative endorsement deal if your coming out was sponsored by Astro-Glide.
Publicist-less, Tom’s announcement left the media to craft its own headlines with Tom Daley Comes Out As A Gay Man being the typical attention-grabbing attempt at journalism. Which is putting words in Tom’s mouth. When that’s not what most of us want to be putting in Tom’s mouth. The fact is Tom did not say he’s gay. He says, “Come this spring, my life changed — massively — when I met someone. They make me feel so safe, happy, and everything just feels so right. And that someone is a guy.” Proving it’s difficult – and sometimes even hard – to stop using gender neutral pronouns when you’ve relied on them for so long More importantly, Tom immediately adds: “Of course I still fancy girls. But right now I’m dating a guy, and I couldn’t be happier.”
Oh, Tom. You were doing so good.
Tom make a splash with is YouTube video about fancying girls but dating a penis anyway.
When giving gay face is your natural inclination, delivering that line with a straight face is difficult. And guaranteed to not get anyone hard. And when you are finally ready to admit to the world that the idea of other mens’ penises does, it’s a shame you put so much effort into the announcement and still manage to fail to provide the money shot. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But bisexuals are probably a figure of your imagination. And ‘pussy’ has never sprung to anyone’s mind when they thought about Tom Daley. Unless it was preceded by ‘boy.’
In his not quite coming out video Tom says he was taken by surprise by his feelings for his unidentified boyfriend (not that he’d actually use the B word) but that that possibility has always been at the back of his mind. Uh, huh. He also says the reason he decided to post his video rather than come out in the press was that he didn’t want his words to be twisted, that he wanted to put an end to the rumors and speculation. Uh, huh. Possibly, using the word ‘gay’ at least once in your five+ minute video might have accomplished that task. Of course when it’s been less than a month since you launched the publication of your 2014 Calendar, any publicity is good publicity. One can only hope fellow British Olympian Louis Smith does it better.
Just last September during an interview with The Mirror, Tom said: “I think it’s funny when people say I’m gay…I laugh it off. I’m not. But even if I was, I wouldn’t be ashamed. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest what people thought.” Which must have made his not-boyfriend-just-the-guy-I’m-dating feel all warm and fuzzy. But then Tom is known for his body and not for his mind; for being cheered and adored for jumping into lukewarm chlorinated water, not for braving the depths of honesty and transparency. In Tom’s world his frequent ‘I’m not gay’ statements are not lies. That’s just Tom being ‘vague’. But then maybe ‘vague’ is British slang for ‘gay’. ‘Cuz if there is one thing you can say about Tom, it’s that the boy is pretty damn vague.
So just who is the top to Tom’s bottom?
Now that despite Tom’s best efforts we have confirmation that the boy has a more than passing relationship with penis – not to mention that as suspected all Olympic divers really are gay – just who scored Tom’s butt is next on the rumor agenda. Back when the 19-year-old Olympic bronze medallist admitted to only dating girls (that’d be last July) Tom gushed over how hot One Direction’s Harry Styles was, even saying, “Harry would obviously beat me in a pulling competition. I wouldn’t stand a chance.” Uh, huh. Again. Thanks for sharing one of your fantasies Tom, but Harry says he’s not bisexual, a statement that wasn’t at all vague. Besides, it’s been Tom’s bromance with fellow band member and not gay or bisexual either Liam Payne that made the news. But Tom says he met his Boy Special last spring, and by then he and Liam’s fling was old hat. And Tom was busy ‘dating’ US Diver Kassidy Cook then anyway. Maybe ‘Kassidy Cook’ is British slang for ‘Kristian Ipsen’.
Fellow Olympian and all around hottie – not to mention possibly vague – Anthony Ogogo appeared on Tom’s television show Splash, and certainly could qualify as the top in Tom’s life. But the timing isn’t quite right for that pairing either. Unless ‘January’ is British slang for ‘spring’. As much of a celebrity as Tom is, his world still primarily revolves around diving. And with all of the vague men who make that sport their career, not-boyfriend material is plentiful in Tom’s world. So there’s a good chance he met his current vaguely not gay not a boyfriend at the Barcelona World Diving Championships.
Tom and his penis’ reaction to their first glimpse of Kevin Chavez.
China’s Qiu Bo and He Chong are both good not-a-boyfriend material. But that’s more my fantasy than Tom’s and I’m sure he was already familiar with both as those two divers have frequently beaten his ass in the past. And we’re looking for a potential who has other uses for Tom’s ass anyway. U.S. diver David Boudia would qualify too, but he’s been busy convincing the world he is not gay by getting married. ‘Cuz that has always been so believable about vague celebrities and athletes in the past. Mexico’s former world’s most impressive unibrow contender Yahel Castillo would certainly put Tom’s speedo in a state of unrest, but Yahel’s massive bulge made it’s debut at the Olympics in 2012 and Tom had to have noticed that impressive stretching of lycra along with the rest of the world back then. Danell Leyva certainly did.
It’s a shame Tom’s team mate Chris Mears couldn’t make the timing cut. But you have to assume for Chris it’s been a been there done that existence as far as Tom goes anyway. However, relatively new to the scene and a perfect specimen of everything drool-worthy in a man is Mexico’s Kevin Chavez, who exemplifies everything in a not-a-boyfriend Tom could possibly want. Those abs, those thighs, that el massivo bulge . . . we’re talking Greg Louganis quality meat back when Greg was quality meat. And the timing works. You probably haven’t seen much of Kevin yet, but one look will have you wishing for seeing more of him. Much more. And if he didn’t catch Tom’s eye, and end up being pitcher to Tom’s catcher, come the 2014 Olympics Tom might just be releasing a new video. ‘Cuz same-sex marriage is legal in Brazil.
Kevin Chavez is my vote for Tom’s not-a-boyfriend.
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