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field guide to mannaries #1

While spotting the numerous varieties of mannaries, colloquially referred to as man boobs, while strolling along Pattaya’s Dongtan Beach is a common occurrence – and in fact is a sight impossible to miss (and unfortunately equally impossible to un-see) – proper identification of each species has previously been nigh impossible due to the lack of accurate scientific classification of this extraordinary example of the aging western male during its migratory visits to the tropics. Most visitors to the surrounding area take little note of what is one of the world’s most popular sites for male mammary watching, too intent on their own hobby of collecting and categorizing the mating calls of the elderly in rut – yet another popular hobby among professionals and amateurs alike at which Pattaya exceeds and is, rightly so, famous for around the world. Yet with so few other daytime activities available to the unsuspecting visitor who’d mistakenly thought the area was an acceptable beachside destination, mannary spotting can be a rewarding hobby that even beginners will enjoy thanks to the rich abundance of migratory sex touri and sexpats who call Pattaya home.

Mannary spotting is a growing hobby world-wide thanks to the relative ease of finding prime examples to collect. And while other closely related hobbies require specialized equipment to fully enjoy the sport, the mannary spotting enthusiast needs little more than a field book for note taking, a cellphone camera for documenting finds, and sunscreen to protect the hobbyist from the amplified rays of the sun glaring off the suntanning oiled drenched bodies of the various species of mannaries he or she will encounter. Eye wash too is a popular piece of equipment that no serious mannary spotter would be caught dead without, although its effectiveness is strongly debated among the mannary spotting community. And most long-time mannary spotters agree that years of psychotherapy are a necessity when introducing younger hobbyists to this rewarding sport.

In recent years, global warming and the disastrous effects associated with the current state of the world’s economy has resulted in a steady deterioration of the mannary spotting landscape in Pattaya. Where once the mannary spotting hobbyist could find a plethora of prime examples of the various species of mannaries during any outing, it is now becoming more and more common for hobbyists to spend as long as ten minutes before sighting their first prime set of mannaries for the day. Additionally, where Dongtan Beach and its surrounding breeding grounds were once the purvey of mannaries whose genealogy could be traced back to North America and European beginnings, the purity of the area’s make-up is currently degenerating as mannaries from Slavic, Oriental, and Arabian countries becomes the norm. With this in mind, as well as the need of documentation and classification before the traditional mannaries of Pattaya’s beaches become extinct, Bangkok Bois is proud to publish it’s inaugural issue of The Field Guide To Dongtan Beach Mannaries:

Pattayaceae sextouriana

The Pattayaceae sextouriana is one of the more common mannary to be found on Dongtan beach and its environs. With an estimated 108 subspecies within this genus, the Pattayaceae sextouriana is often the first mannary beginners spot. Typically found lounging underneath a beach umbrella while it feeds on young prey, the Pattayaceae sextouriana’s distinctively large aureolas make it easy to identify even among novice mannary spotters. Advanced hobbyists have been known to tag individual Pattayaceae sextouriana to chart its prodigious growth over the years of its migratory sessions. Some Pattayaceae sextouriana eventually loose their ability of movement and can then be found year round on the beaches of Pattaya, like passengers on a cruise ship in permanent drydock. To differentiate these specimens from the common Pattayaceae sextouriana, identifying nomenclature is generally added to their name, such as Pattayaceae sextouriana ‘jabbathebuttus’, one of the more well known examples of this phenomenon of nature.

Sexpatus maximus

The Sexpatus maximus is a great example of how mannaries adapt and change due to environmental conditions. While closely related to the Pattayaceae sextouriana, the Sexpatus maximus, due to its years of migratory visits, has taken on a distinct lopsided appearance caused by the species tendencies to constantly swivel its head as the young prey it prefers to feed on parades past its roost. Known as the Grass Is Always Greener Effect by some hobbyists, and The Butterfly Effect to other enthusiasts, this unique anatomical abnormality among members of the species is generally considered to be a primary reason for its well known sense of disgruntlement and anger. Beginning hobbyists are warned about approaching the Sexpatus maximus too closely as its failing eyesight and gigantic appetite often causes it to attack even those who would not normally be considered acceptable prey among the general mannary community in Pattaya.

Not pictured but boasting a similar set of mannaries is the Sexpatus maximus ‘balloonchaser’, a sub species unique to the area whose equally lopsided appearance is caused by the constant swiveling of it upper vertebrae while foraging for free buffet food often offered by mannary spotting hobbyists to draw the Sexpatus maximus to their blind. Note that most professional mannary spotters consider this a form of chumming and do not believe the practice is suitable for the hobby as it interferes with the Sexpatus maximus’ normal habits and accompanying growth patterns.

Dragqueenaena dcupia

Even the most advanced mannary spotting hobbyist is thrilled when he spots the Dragqueenaena dcupia, a mannary whose identification can be a tricky one due to its similarity to the far more common mammary. Commonly called the Cross Dressing Pattaya Sex Tourist, mannary spotting enthusiasts advise that beginners can differentiate between the true Dragqueenaena dcupia and the aforementioned mammary by its fondness for show tunes and feather boas, the latter of which is not usually seen unless the hobbyist spots a Dragqueenaena dcupia after the sun goes down. Years of scientific observation has shown that most Dragqueenaena dcupia hail from the UK, though the occasional member of this species from Australia has been spotted too.

Suneeplazaeae janus sexpatii

Commonly known as the Two-Faced Sunee Plazaerian, the Suneeplazaeae janus ‘sexpatii’ boasts a distinctive dual sets of mannaries on its front and back sides respectively. One of the grumpier species of mannaries known to inhabit the Pattaya beach area, many hobbyists believe the Suneeplazaeae janus ‘sexpatii’ has evolved into its easily spotted appearance from spending too many years laying on beachside lounge chairs while attempting to perfect its coloring (a habit of the Dongtan beach mannary known within the hobby as sun tanning) by constantly rolling over. However mannary spotting professionals believe the appearance of the Suneeplazaeae janus ‘sexpatii’ is instead due to its tendency to stab its fellow Sunee Plaza mannaries in the back, its unbridled joy in talking stink about any Sunee Plaza mannary who just left a gathering, and its general appreciation for gossiping about other members of the flock while pretending to be their friend.

Mammuthus pedopohilius sunee

As more and more mannary from Slavic countries have begun new migration habits into the area, the Mammuthus pedopohilius sunee is becoming one of the more common mannary to spot in and around Dongtan beach. Unfortunately, this has caused many novice spotters to think they have sighted a Mammuthus pedopohilius sunee from the back when once the specimen turns around they realize it is a mammary from one of the former Soviet block states instead. Mammaries from both Korea and Okinawa have fooled novice mannary spotters in the past too.

Known for its hirsute appearance, the Mammuthus pedopohilius sunee produces a distinct odor easily identifiable after mannary spotter hobbyists gets their first waft. Some mannary spotting enthusiasts claim the Mammuthus pedopohilius sunee gets its unusual pelt from the unnatural breeding between a human and a wooly mammoth eons ago, but in recognition of the high esteem citizens of Thailand hold elephants in, it is generally considered rude among the mannary spotting community to utter this belief out loud.

Bucknawayium americanus

Despite many locals – and I do mean many – having claimed to have tagged the Bucknawayium americanus on Dongtan beach and its environs, this is an illusive species of mannary, partially due to its mating season which generally occurs only three times a year and for only ten days at a time. Nonetheless, those hobbyists in town when the Bucknawayium americanus is in heat are afforded the opportunity of spotting this often colorful species of mannary thanks to its unique appearance as it often decks itself in clothing more suitable to those of a younger generation, which the Bucknawayium americanus refers to as ‘The Look’.

Hobbitaena timmyosa

There is a widespread disagreement within the mannary spotting community whether the Hobbitaena timmy!osa is a unique species or merely a subspecies of the Pattayaceae sextouriana. Only smaller. Some have suggested it is a substandard specimen of the Pattayaceae sextouriana evolving into a diminutive specimen of the Suneeplazaeae janus ‘sexpatii’. This is a typical problem with mannary which have previously visited Dongtan beach and its environs as part of its migration habit but then decide, thanks to the overabundance of young prey, to settle permanently in the greater Pattaya area.

Equally debatable within the community is how best to spot the Hobbitaena timmy!osa. Some claim its hobbit-like size is enough for identification, others add that you can only be sure you’ve spotted a Hobbitaena timmy!osa when it is in or around a locale featuring green chairs, while the majority of mannary hobbyists claim the true test is that the Hobbitaena timmy!osa is always chased away from nesting with other mannary, making its deplorably lonely existence easy to spot (while others argue that makes miss-identifying the Pattayaceae lonelywombatus as a Hobbitaena timmy!osa, though most agree the difference in age is enough to tell the two apart.).

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