You’d think Dustin Lance Black was 105 the way everyone reacted to his good fortune in being the one to officially pop Tom Daley’s cherry. It must be a bitch to have earned the dirty old man moniker at the relatively young age of 38. But then again when you’re the one who got to officially pop Tom Daley’s cherry, what others call you probably doesn’t really matter.

Nonetheless there are many who claim Dustin is too old for Tom, and many who say that it’s just a mentoring stage, that Tom will soon find someone closer to his own age to spread his legs for. Despite that May / December romances have been around longer than the Gregorian calendar whose months that brand of affair is named after. For centuries young men have turned to older men for the money, security, knowledge, and money they provide them. And older men have cast their gaze toward the youthful for their beauty. And because, as Sophie Tucker put it, “20 goes into 80 a hell of a lot more than 80 goes into 20.”

Just how old or how young is of concern at times. Even someone as disgustingly ancient as Hugh Hefner knows there’s a limit to the age acceptable for his personal playmates. And outside of Pattaya, the world tends to agree. It’s not called a January / December romance for a reason. But what can’t be denied is that older men are attracted to younger men and vice versa. Because each, in his own way, makes the other happy.

Few would argue that doing Tom would make most of us happy. Partially because of that body, largely because of that ass, and a little bit thanks to that impaled prima donna look he’d throw you over his shoulder, the one that only an Olympic diver could make. But is it his youth alone that is the appeal? Can Tom make Dustin happy? Or is Dustin looking for happiness in all the wrong places?

Yup, smells like science to me.

A recent study by Dr. Hannes Schwandt at The Center for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics examined how men’s expectations compare to reality at different life stages by analyzing happiness levels for 23,161 German men aged 17 to 85. As his study only used Germans as subjects, he found their average happiness level, regardless of age, came in at a rating of 0. Kidding. Obviously Dr. Schwandt had a sense of humor given his last name, and while a sliding scale was still necessary, since his German research subjects were in London and not Germany at the time, comparatively speaking their happiness levels were quantifiable.

The bad news is that Dustin is not old enough for Tom. The good news is that now that Tom has moved from “fancying girls” to being a total queen, he’ll soon be on the market again. And that should make those a decade older than me quite happy. ‘Cuz Dr. Schwandt’s research says the happiest age are 23 and 69. And it all has to do with unmet expectations (and if you’re 69, 23-year-old booty).

Dr. Schwandt found that thanks to raging hormones and a life revolving around soaking up copious amounts of beer the young are generally happily satisfied with their life, a level of general satisfaction that peaks at the age of 23. Then reality sets in. Along with adulthood. That begins a long dry period filled with disappointment that culminates with a mid-life crisis around the age of 55 at which point happiness levels start climbing once again. Even if it becomes more difficult for the happiest part of you to rise along with it. By the age of 68, life starts looking rosy again and men’s happiness levels peak (once again) at the age of 69. Dr. Schwandt say this is largely due to the elderly generally feeling less regret over the choices they’ve made in life. Especially if one of those choices was a hunky 23-year-old boyfriend.

Happy is as happy does, and nothing can kill a good buzz quicker than hanging around dour, unhappy people. So if you missed out the first time around, your best bet at the age of 69 is to surround yourself with other happy people. Or 23-year-olds as they are better known as. But don’t delay. ‘Cuz even with all those happy pills doctors love to prescribe for the old folk, by the time you hit 77 regrets kick in once again and you become the angry old cuss your mama warned you about. Or you move to Pattaya.

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