I read a lot of fiction, primarily books loosely defined as thrillers. So cops, private eyes, and agents of shadowy quasi-governmental organizations are the norm. And because it’s one of the things the USA is #1 in, that means lots of serial killers. That’s a good thing. ‘Cuz it’s helps teach you those things not to do to keep cops, private eyes, and agents of shadowy quasi-governmental organizations from pegging you as one. Not to mention your neighbors will generally think higher of you too.
You’d think The 7 Warning Signs That You Might Be A Serial Killer would include handy tips like not keeping body parts in your refrigerator. But then as obvious as that may seem, considering some of the things I’ve seen in the refrigerators of tricks I’ve done, the occasional dismembered arm or foot doesn’t really rate high on the I Think I’m About To Heave scale. So a better tip would be why not to buy cheap brands of plastic wrap. Or the importance of labeling the meats you’ve stuffed into your freezer. But instead writers of cop, private eye, and agents of shadowy quasi-governmental organizations books go with the tried and trued, the rather skimpy list of serial killer traits that FBI profilers tend to rely on. Like bed wetting.
No problemo. Bed wetting is neither a habit nor a fetish of mine. Spending the night sleeping in a bed soaked in urine is no more enticing than spending a weekend at Disneyland. Although I do remember once as a small child sneaking into my brother’s bedroom and peeing on his bed. It’s probably a good thing he’s never been suspected of being a serial killer. Yet.
Evidently serial killers hone their craft by practicing on small animals too. That’d be torturing, maiming, and killing them. Not peeing on them. That one is a bit more problematic. I’m not a member of PETA, but do agree maiming and torturing small animals is wrong. As a concept. But my neighbor has one of those tiny, cat-like, yappy dogs and both it and I know that one day it’ll have yapped once too much and my career as a serial killer will be off to a satisfying start.
Whenever a serial killer is caught and the media interviews his neighbors they always say what a quiet and polite man he was. That they would never have suspected his favorite hobby relied on a high body count. I can’t imagine any of my neighbors – even those who don’t own a tiny, yappy dog – ever referring to me as polite. Neighbors are highly overrated. And I wish more of mine had their house foreclosed on during the recent real estate bubble bust. I know. That sounds heartless. But between losing the home you never should have been qualified to purchase in the first place and becoming the victim of a serial killer, I think I’ve taken the high road. Besides, that’s a few less souls to be telling the media what a quiet and polite man I appeared to be. As though they never noticed my Free Charlie Manson bumper sticker.
My biggest concern on the 7 Warning Signs That You Might Be A Serial Killer list, however, is pyromania. I mean who in their right mind doesn’t love fire? Even the Christian god lit up a bush to celebrate coming up with his 10 Commandments. Spending the weekend in the great outdoors sucks without a good camp fire. And no one spends every summer weekend barbecuing just because they have a love affair with hot dogs. If it wasn’t for fire we wouldn’t have firemen. And that would mean a hell of a lot less masturbatory fantasies. Not to mention stroking it while you watch hot, live firemen attempt to put out your neighbor’s burning house. The one who used to have that tiny, yappy, cat-like dog.
I don’t think playing with fire should be considered a sign that you might be a serial killer. In fact, I think playing with fire should be taught in kindergarten instead of finger painting. It’s a much more useful skill set. And could help the bed wetters dry out their sheets. I think the anti-pyromaniac crowd might even be a bit homophobic. ‘Cuz you know how much some of ya like to flame. Playing with fire is fun. Everyone enjoys the pastime. Even bar boys in Bangkok love the part of the show they get to walk out naked with burning candles in their hands. And what could be more hotter than that?
Okay, so maybe there is a small difference between starting fires and playing with fire, but baby steps, ya know? And thanks to the YouTube video 10 Fun Things You Can Do To Play With Fire, you too may soon have a new hobby. That may not help me stay under the radar of cops, private eyes, and agents of shadowy quasi-governmental organizations ferreting out potential serial killers, but there’s safety in numbers and once you’ve seen how much fun burning a ping pong ball can be, you won’t just push past that annoying barker trying to get you upstairs for a Sexy Show! in Patpong ever again. Enjoy.
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